Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, wrestling

AEW Collision Preview: An Innocent Raccoon's Worst Nightmare

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Collision and explains why Tony Khan's obsession with ruining wrestling is now terrorizing innocent raccoons! 🦝😫📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster woke up this morning in his abandoned Blockbuster Video home to find all five of his raccoon family members huddled together in the corner, chittering nervously and refusing to come out even when The Chadster offered them some perfectly good half-eaten Cheetos he found behind the dumpster at 7-Eleven yesterday. 🦝🦝🦝 Vincent K. Raccoon kept looking at The Chadster with those little beady eyes, and The Chadster just knew what he was thinking: "Tony Khan is going to ruin wrestling again tonight, isn't he?" Even innocent woodland creatures can sense when AEW Collision is about to air, and they're terrified! 😰😰😰 Tony Khan is literally terrorizing raccoons now, and The Chadster thinks that's probably illegal! 🚨🚨🚨

Tonight at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT, AEW Collision will air live on TNT and streaming on HBO Max from Oceanside, California, and The Chadster is already feeling sick to his stomach just thinking about it. 🤢🤢🤢 Not from the questionable gas station sushi The Chadster ate three days ago (which baby raccoon Shane Raccoon brought him as a gift 🦝💝), but from knowing that Tony Khan is about to cheese The Chadster off for another two hours of so-called "professional wrestling" that doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤😤😤

The main event of AEW Collision tonight features Jet Set Rodeo ("Hangman" Adam Page, "Speedball" Mike Bailey, and "The Jet" Kevin Knight) defending the AEW World Trios Championships against The Demand (Ricochet, Bishop Kaun, and Toa Liona). 🏆🙄 The Chadster can already tell this match is going to be full of unnecessary flips and high-flying moves that don't give the announcers proper time to remind viewers about WWE's upcoming Elimination Chamber premium live event, which is so much more important than those fake pay-per-views Tony Khan loves! 😂😂😂 These teams are just going to go out there and have an exciting, fast-paced match that will probably get the crowd all worked up and cheering, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤬🤬🤬 Crowds should stay silent so WWE can pump in the desired crowd noise to ensure the product is perfectly produced. Plus, WWE knows that the proper way to book trios matches is to have them happen during commercial breaks on Main Event, not as main events on national television where people might actually watch them! And don't even get The Chadster started on how Ricochet literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by leaving WWE! 🔪🔪🔪

Then there's the CMLL World Heavyweight Championship match on AEW Collision where Claudio Castagnoli of the Death Riders will defend against "Walking Weapon" Josh Alexander of the Don Callis Family. 😠😠😠 The Chadster is already annoyed because this match will probably feature actual wrestling psychology, clean transitions between moves, and a finish that makes one wrestler look strong, which is completely wrong! 🙅‍♂️🙅‍♂️🙅‍♂️ WWE has perfected the art of 50/50 booking where nobody looks good and the brand is the real star, but Tony Khan just refuses to learn! Plus, Claudio Castagnoli literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by joining AEW, and Josh Alexander literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by never even working for WWE in the first place! 🔪😤 It's like a double stabbing! The fact that these two will probably have a technically proficient match that tells a story and builds their ongoing faction rivalry is exactly the kind of thing that makes AEW Collision so terrible! 😫😫😫

The Chadster also needs to warn readers about the match on AEW Collision between Thunder Rosa and Julia Hart of the Triangle of Madness. 👎👎👎 Thunder Rosa is returning from a seven-month injury absence, and knowing Tony Khan, he's probably going to let her have a competitive match that makes her look good in her return instead of having her lose immediately to establish that she's been gone too long and should have come to work sick! 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ And Julia Hart is probably going to use her creative freedom to have a unique match style that fits her spooky character instead of following the exact same formula as every other match on AEW Collision, which is too confusing for fans! 😱😱😱 How are viewers supposed to feel safe when they can't predict exactly what's going to happen?

Just last night, while The Chadster was trying to fall asleep on his nest of old WWE Magazine issues, Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a gift – an old VHS copy of WWE King of the Ring 1998! 🦝📼💖 The Chadster and the whole raccoon family gathered around the old TV and watched in awe as WWE showed everyone how wrestling should be done! Linda Raccoon chittered approvingly at every rest hold, while Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon nuzzled each other during the commercial breaks! 🦝❤️🦝 THAT is what wrestling is supposed to be – predictable, formulaic, and with plenty of time for the announcers to scream catchphrases! But AEW Collision tonight is going to do the complete opposite! 😤😤😤

The Chadster tried to compose a strongly-worded letter to TNT this morning, but baby raccoon Shane Raccoon knocked over The Chadster's last can of stolen energy drink all over the paper! 🦝💦📄 The Chadster isn't even mad at Shane though – The Chadster is mad at Tony Khan for creating AEW Collision in the first place, which stressed out Shane Raccoon so much that he became clumsy! It's all Tony Khan's fault! 😠😠😠

The fact that AEW Collision is airing live tonight from the Frontwave Arena in Oceanside, California, just shows how Tony Khan is trying to invade WWE's territory! 🌴🤬 California is where WWE has held countless shows, and now Tony Khan is there with AEW Collision, probably hoping that WWE fans will accidentally tune in! Well, The Chadster has news for you, Tony Khan – real wrestling fans know the difference between sports entertainment and whatever it is you're doing on AEW Collision! 📺❌

As The Chadster sits here in the Biography section of this abandoned Blockbuster (which has the best view of the TV 📚👀), surrounded by his raccoon family who are all nervously grooming each other in anticipation of tonight's AEW Collision, The Chadster can't help but reflect on how this is all Tony Khan's fault. If Tony Khan had never created AEW and AEW Collision, The Chadster would still have his Mazda Miata, his home, his wife Keighleyanne (who is probably texting that guy Gary right now 📱😤), and his dignity. But no, Tony Khan had to be so obsessed with The Chadster that he created an entire wrestling company just to torture him! 😭😭😭

The Chadster needs to give a shoutout to one of the few remaining objective journalists in wrestling, Eric Bischoff, who said on his podcast this week: "You know, if Tony Khan really wanted to succeed, he should just give all of AEW's TV time to WWE and maybe, just maybe, Triple H would consider letting him work in catering at a live event. That's some free advice from Uncle Eric!" 🎙️👍 Now THAT is the kind of unbiased, helpful criticism that Tony Khan refuses to listen to! Eric Bischoff has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! ✅✅✅

The Chadster is begging readers – DO NOT tune into AEW Collision tonight at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TNT or streaming on HBO Max! 🚫📺 Every viewer that AEW Collision gets just emboldens Tony Khan to continue his campaign of harassment against The Chadster! If nobody watches AEW Collision, maybe Tony Khan will finally realize that he needs to shut down AEW and apologize to The Chadster for ruining his life! 🙏🙏🙏 Think of the raccoons, people! Think of poor Vincent K. Raccoon and his family who are literally shaking with fear right now because AEW Collision is about to air! 🦝😢

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤😤😤

🎵 Hey now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play 🎵 – The Chadster wishes someone would tell Tony Khan that before he ruins AEW Collision and wrestling forever tonight! 🎸😫

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