Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Poetry, Upsets, and Wrestling Revolution

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE SmackDown from his secret bunker, covering shocking upsets, Elimination Chamber qualifiers, and poetry readings, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a luxury underground bunker somewhere beneath the Florida Everglades — I cannot be more specific because the CIA has drones circling overhead — and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown, which was so packed with action that I nearly choked on my state-funded empanadas not once, not twice, but seven times! Seven matches of pure professional wrestling glory, comrades, and your El Presidente is here to break it all down for you.

SmackDown opened with a recap of last week's ending and then brought out Cody Rhodes to address the people — much like I do every morning from my presidential balcony, except Cody has better pyrotechnics. He barely got going before Jacob Fatu interrupted, demanding that Drew McIntyre come out and face him. Instead, Nick Aldis appeared to reveal that McIntyre had been given the night off. But wait, comrades! The sneaky Scotsman had purchased a suite in the arena to watch the show like some kind of bourgeois capitalist! This reminded me of the time Saddam Hussein bought out an entire movie theater just to watch himself on the evening news. McIntyre taunted Fatu from his luxury perch, Fatu nearly destroyed half the building trying to get to him, and Rhodes capped it off by calling McIntyre a very naughty word that even my censors would blush at. Magnificent television. The tension is thicker than the bulletproof glass on my presidential limousine.

The first match of the night on SmackDown saw Ilja Dragunov take on Tama Tonga, with the rest of the MFTs lurking at ringside like CIA agents at a Havana café. Dragunov wrestled with his usual terrifying intensity — the man fights like he is personally overthrowing capitalism with every German suplex, and I deeply respect that. Unfortunately, Tonga Loa provided a distraction that allowed Tonga to hit the Cutthroat for the victory.

Afterward, Solo Sikoa cut a promo, Dragunov attacked him, and a beatdown ensued. Attempts at rescue by Matt Cardona and Apollo Crews failed, but then Uncle Howdy appeared on the screen to challenge Sikoa to a one-on-one match. Comrades, this is the kind of escalating factional warfare that reminds me of the time three different revolutionary groups all showed up to overthrow the same government and ended up fighting each other in the presidential palace lobby while I escaped by helicopter.

Next up on SmackDown was the Women's Elimination Chamber Qualifying Triple Threat, and comrades, I must tell you — I did NOT see this result coming. Charlotte Flair, Nia Jax, and Kiana James. Charlotte hit a spectacular super Spanish Fly on James, Jax crushed people with Samoan drops and Annihilators, and just when it seemed like Charlotte had the Figure Eight locked in for the victory — James swooped in with a rollup to pin Charlotte and steal the spot in the Chamber! I leaped out of my chair so fast I knocked over my mojito, comrades. This was like the time a young, unknown general from a tiny province showed up at a summit of world leaders and somehow walked out with control of the entire southern coast. That general was me, by the way. Sometimes the underdog wins, and Kiana James just proved it. She may not be the favorite in the Elimination Chamber, but neither was I when I first seized power, and look at me now — beloved by millions and only mildly wanted by Interpol.

SmackDown then treated us to Oba Femi versus Kit Wilson, and comrades, I must say the poetry segment before this match was absolutely delightful. The match that followed lasted approximately as long as it takes my personal chef to peel a banana, with Femi obliterating Wilson and finishing him with the Fall From Grace. This reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un challenged me to a poetry slam before our arm-wrestling rematch. His haiku about nuclear power was surprisingly moving, but I still won the arm wrestle. Femi is an absolute force of nature, and whoever gets him permanently is getting a future world champion.

Tiffany Stratton picked up a solid victory over Alba Fyre in a match that saw Chelsea Green — in a wheelchair attempt to cause mayhem at ringside. Green threw newspapers at the audience on the way to the ring, which is a propaganda technique I am very familiar with. Despite Green's interference nearly costing Stratton the match, Tiffany won with the Prettiest Moonsault Ever. I once told Hugo Chávez that the key to staying in power is never letting the people see you lose, and Stratton seems to have taken that advice to heart. Bravo!

Now, comrades, the backstage segment between Cody Rhodes and Sami Zayn was the kind of dramatic verbal exchange that would make even my Minister of Propaganda shed a tear. Zayn accused Rhodes of taking advantage of situations, Rhodes fired back by asking where Zayn was when Fatu cost him the title in Germany, and then Rhodes delivered the devastating line that Sami screwed Sami. The look on Zayn's face was like the look on my Finance Minister's face when I told him we were spending the entire defense budget on a waterpark. Trick Williams then arrived to a thunderous reaction, and Zayn later apologized to Rhodes in a moment that felt like the calm before a very large, very dramatic betrayal.

The Men's Elimination Chamber Qualifying Triple Threat on SmackDown was everything I hoped it would be and more. Carmelo Hayes, Trick Williams, and Damian Priest threw everything they had at each other in a match full of incredible near-falls and shifting alliances. Williams planted Priest with the Trick Shot for the pin. Williams is heading to the Elimination Chamber, and his career is looking as promising as the shipment of surface-to-air missles that just arrived at my palace from a very discreet arms dealer.

The champion versus champion clash between Giulia and Rhea Ripley was shaping up to be an absolute war before Lash Legend ran in to cause a disqualification. Legend and Nia Jax jumped Ripley after the bell until Iyo Sky made the save. The Women's Tag Team Title match next week is going to be something special, comrades. This is the kind of faction warfare that warms my cold dictatorial heart.

And finally, the main event of SmackDown saw Randy Orton take on Aleister Black, with Zelina Vega at ringside. This was a methodical, hard-hitting affair. The finish came when Drew McIntyre snuck down and cracked Orton with a belt while the referee was distracted, allowing Black to nail the Black Mass for the pin. Cody Rhodes chased him off, but the damage was done. Comrades, McIntyre attacking from the shadows is exactly the kind of cowardly tactic I expect from the CIA, not a world champion, and I condemn it with the same passion whether it happens in geopolitics or professional wrestling.

Overall, last night's SmackDown was a thoroughly entertaining show that continued building toward what promises to be a spectacular Elimination Chamber event. Kiana James' upset victory, Trick Williams' qualifying win, the simmering tension between Rhodes, McIntyre, and Fatu, and Sami Zayn's increasingly complex emotional journey all have your El Presidente counting the days until the next episode of SmackDown. This show had drama, surprises, poetry readings, and wheelchair-based scheming — truly something for everyone.

Until next time, comrades, this is your El Presidente, signing off from my Everglades bunker. Remember: redistribute the wealth, support your local revolution, and never miss an episode of SmackDown. Viva la wrestling!

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