Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Revolution, Andrade El Ídolo, Darby Allin, hangman adam page, mjf, Orange Cassidy, recaps, roderick strong, wrestling

AEW Revolution: Death Match Proves Violence Has No Place in Wrestling

AEW Revolution's Texas Death Match between MJF and Hangman Adam Page proved AEW can't be trusted with a world championship. The Chadster's raccoons agree! 🦝😤

😤😡🤬 The Chadster wants to thank every single reader who has stuck with The Chadster's completely unbiased, objective coverage of AEW Revolution tonight, which is now officially over, and which is now officially the worst pay-per-view in the history of professional wrestling, the history of television, and possibly the history of human civilization! 📺💀😭 If you haven't been following along, please go back and read The Chadster's first report, The Chadster's second report, and The Chadster's third report to get the full picture of how Tony Khan has spent this entire evening systematically dismantling the wrestling business and personally tormenting The Chadster! 😤📰🔥

But what happened in the final three matches of AEW Revolution might be the most egregious assault on professional wrestling The Chadster has ever witnessed, and The Chadster is going to break it all down for you with the kind of fair, balanced, unbiased journalism that only The Chadster can provide! 📰✊😤

Let's start with Andrade El Ídolo defeating Bandido in a match that was absolutely OFFENSIVE in its athletic quality! 😡💢🤸‍♂️ Andrade put Bandido away with an avalanche DM off the turnbuckles after a match that featured German suplexes, springboard tornillos, moonsaults over the ring post, and near-falls so close that the crowd was losing their minds the entire time! 🏟️😤 Bandido even hit his signature 21-Plex and Andrade KICKED OUT, and then Andrade landed on his feet out of a second attempt before beating Bandido with an elbow, and honestly, The Chadster is disgusted! 🤢😡

This is EXACTLY what's wrong with AEW! 😤💔 Tony Khan puts two elite-level athletes in the ring and just LETS THEM GO, performing high-flying, hard-hitting, technically brilliant moves that get the crowd invested and make everyone watching feel like they got their money's worth! 🤦‍♂️💰 Tony Khan doesn't understand that people don't want to see athletic, high-stakes competition between two world-class performers at the top of their game! They want to see aging part-timers slowly plodding around the ring, taking five minutes between each move so the cameraman can get the right angle for the highlight package! 📸😤 They want to see wrestlers reading promos that were carefully scripted by failed television writers who have never watched a wrestling match in their lives! 📝🎭 THAT is professional wrestling, and THAT is why WWE is the number one wrestling company in the world, and Tony Khan's insistence on showcasing actual wrestling ability is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡🔥💢

Then there was the Tornado Trios match, where Orange Cassidy, Darby Allin, and Roderick Strong defeated the Dogs (Clark Connors, David Finlay, and Gabe Kidd), and The Chadster is not ashamed to admit that this match literally made The Chadster cry! 😭💔😤 Not because it was a thrilling, chaotic tornado match full of creative spots and dramatic momentum swings — though it was, and The Chadster hated every second of it — but because of what it represents! 😡🚨

The Dogs are wrestlers who came from New Japan Pro-Wrestling, and they CHOSE to come to AEW! 😱💀 They could have gone to WWE, where they would have been given new names, had their movesets reduced to five approved moves, and been scripted to cut generic promos about how grateful they are to be in WWE! 🏆😤 Instead, they chose to go to AEW, where Tony Khan lets them be themselves, wrestle their style, and connect with the audience on their own terms, and that is a BETRAYAL of everything WWE stands for! 😡🔪💢

The match itself was absolute chaos from the opening bell, with all six men brawling everywhere, Connors hitting a suicide spear on Allin, the Dogs tying Darby up with the tag rope to isolate him, and then Strong throwing Cassidy into opponents like a human projectile! 💥😤 Kidd ended up getting zip-tied to a barricade while Allin hit a skateboard-assisted double stomp off the ramp, and eventually Cassidy landed an Orange Punch on Connors before Strong hit End of Heartache to set up the pin! 🛹😡

The Chadster asks you: is THAT wrestling?! 😤🤔 Zip ties?! Skateboards?! Throwing people off stages?! Back in WWE, a proper tag team match involves two teams standing on the apron politely waiting for tags while one legal man works a resthold for eight minutes! THAT is the art form that Vince McMahon perfected, and Tony Khan is SPITTING on it! 😡💢🤬

But NOTHING — and The Chadster means absolutely NOTHING — could have prepared The Chadster for the main event. 😱💀🚨

MJF retained the AEW Men's World Championship against Hangman Adam Page in a Texas Death Match when Hangman failed to answer a standing ten count after MJF knocked him out with a punch from the Dynamite Diamond Ring and draped him over the ropes, sending him crashing to the floor into a field of broken glass! 😡🩸💔 And The Chadster is going to describe what happened in this match, but The Chadster wants to warn readers: what follows is a description of things that should NEVER happen in professional wrestling, things that prove AEW cannot be trusted with a world championship, and things that will make any true WWE fan physically ill! 🤢😤🚨

From the very start, this match was an absolute celebration of gruesome, gratuitous violence! 😱🩸💀 Page attacked MJF immediately, chased him into the crowd, punched him in the stands until he was bleeding, and then dragged him back to ringside where he gave the champion PAPERCUTS and stapled a birthday card to MJF's chest! 😡📎🩸 Then Page set up a glass window in the ring, MJF broke it, and Hangman bodyslammed MJF into the broken glass and dragged him around in it! Page wrapped barbed wire around his fist and punched MJF with it, then put the barbed wire in MJF's mouse and rode on his back! 🐴😱🩸

And it only got worse from there! MJF sliced Page's face open with a shard of glass! MJF put a SYRINGE through Hangman's cheek! 💉😱💀 There was a barbed wire chair, a barbed wire board on a table, light tubes being smashed over heads, skewers being hammered into MJF's scalp, a double dog collar chain connecting both men by their necks, tombstone piledrivers through tables off the apron, falls off the stage into exploding sound equipment, and enough blood to fill an Olympic swimming pool! 🩸🩸🩸😡

The Chadster asks: HOW is ANY of this acceptable?! 😤🤬💢 How is a wrestling company supposed to attract sponsors like Mountain Dew or Skittles when their main event features a man getting a syringe shoved through his face?! 🍬💉😡 How can you expect the government of Saudi Arabia to pay tens of millions of dollars to host events in their country that sportswash their terrible human rights record when the show features a level of barbarism too uncomfortably close to the things the government might do to a journalist or its own citizens?! 🇸🇦💰😤 How can you be the number one choice in family entertainment — the kind where families can't actually afford your outrageous ticket prices anyway — when your world championship match looks like something out of a horror movie?! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦😱💀

THIS is everything wrong with AEW! 😡🔥💢 In WWE, a world championship match is a carefully controlled, sanitized, family-friendly affair where two wrestlers perform a pre-approved sequence of moves that have been rehearsed multiple times and cleared by a team of producers and a legal department! 📋✅😤 The blood is minimal, the violence is cartoonish, and the whole thing is designed to sell merchandise to children who can't afford to actually go to the show! 🧸💰 THAT is how you run a wrestling company! You do NOT let two men who clearly hate each other go out and beat the living daylights out of each other with increasingly creative weapons while telling a story about how much the world championship means to both of them! That is NOT professional wrestling! 😡💢🤬

And the worst part? The WORST part?! 😱😤💀 The match actually made The Chadster FEEL something! 😭💔 When Hangman hit the Buckshot Lariat and MJF barely got to his feet before the ten count, The Chadster's heart was pounding! When MJF hit the loaded Dynamite Diamond Ring punch and Hangman crashed through the glass on the floor and couldn't answer the count, The Chadster found himself leaning forward with a lump in his throat! 😢😤 Frankly, The Chadster felt incredibly unsafe while watching this match and feeling feelings, and that's not what wrestling is supposed to be about! 😡💢 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢😭

Now, per the stipulation, Hangman Adam Page can never challenge for the AEW Men's World Championship ever again, which is a consequence that actually has MEANING and WEIGHT because AEW treats stipulations like they matter, unlike WWE where stipulations are routinely ignored or overturned within weeks! 😤📖 And The Chadster wants to go on record as saying that AEW shouldn't even be ALLOWED to have a world championship! 😡🏆💀 They have PROVEN tonight that they cannot be trusted with one! A world championship should be defended in sterile, predictable, corporate-approved environments, NOT in blood-soaked war zones where the competitors act like the title actually means something to them! 😤🩸🔥

As Mark Henry recently said on Busted Open Radio, "You know, I've been in the wrestling business a long time, and I can tell you that violence doesn't sell. What sells is a man standing in the ring holding a microphone for twenty minutes talking about his journey while a crowd sits on their hands. That's real wrestling. All this blood and weapons stuff, that's just Tony Khan trying to cover up the fact that he doesn't have what WWE has, which is a carefully curated brand identity and a stock price. And listen, if anyone at WWE is listening, I just want to say that I am the World's Strongest Man and I am available to make appearances at any WWE premium live events, Saudi shows, or corporate functions. My schedule is wide open." 🎙️😡 Mark Henry, who is saying these things because he believes them and not because he's hoping to score points with WWE and get paid, has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, and his words should be a wake-up call to Tony Khan, but of course, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📰✅😤

The Chadster needs to address what happened during this main event inside the Blockbuster, because it was one of the most harrowing experiences of The Chadster's life, and once again, it's entirely Tony Khan's fault. 🦝😱💔

When MJF pulled out the syringe and put it through Hangman's cheek, The Chadster recoiled so violently that The Chadster knocked over the stack of old VHS tapes that Vincent K. Raccoon had carefully arranged as a makeshift end table next to The Chadster's sleeping nest! 📼🦝😱 The tapes — including a pristine copy of WrestleMania X-Seven that The Chadster watches every night before going to sleep — went clattering across the floor of the Blockbuster, and Shane Raccoon, who was perched on the old candy display shelf getting a better view of the TV, got so startled that he leaped directly onto The Chadster's head, digging his little raccoon claws into The Chadster's scalp! 🦝😤🩸

The Chadster yelped, which startled Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon, who were sharing a half-eaten bag of Funyuns that Linda Raccoon had scavenged from behind the gas station, and they both bolted in opposite directions — Hunter behind the drama section and Stephanie into an old return slot in the front counter! 🦝😭💢 Vincent K. Raccoon, to his credit, stood his ground next to The Chadster, but he was chittering loudly and angrily at the television, his little raccoon teeth bared and his fur standing on end, and The Chadster is pretty sure he was saying, "This isn't real professional wrestling, this is barbarism, and Tony Khan should be ashamed!" 🦝😤👊

Linda Raccoon, meanwhile, came out from the back office, surveyed the chaos — tapes everywhere, baby raccoons scattered, The Chadster bleeding slightly from the scalp where Shane had clawed him — and gave The Chadster a look that The Chadster can only describe as "Are you kidding me with this?" before grabbing Shane by the scruff and carrying him back to the nest. 🦝😤 It took The Chadster twenty minutes after the show ended to find Stephanie Raccoon, who had wedged herself so deep into the return slot that The Chadster had to use an old rewinder as a lever to gently coax her out. 🦝😢💔

This is what Tony Khan is doing to INNOCENT ANIMALS, readers! 🦝😡🤬 These raccoons didn't ask for any of this! They were perfectly happy watching old WWE VHS tapes of classic Royal Rumble events and chittering appreciatively at the Attitude Era's carefully branded, sponsor-friendly violence! But Tony Khan, with his gratuitous death matches and syringes and barbed wire, has traumatized The Chadster's entire raccoon family, and he needs to be held ACCOUNTABLE! 🦝💔😤

Meanwhile, The Chadster also needs to address the letter The Chadster sent to Warner Bros. Discovery this evening, because The Chadster believes it is The Chadster's journalistic duty to advocate for the betterment of the wrestling business, and The Chadster composed this letter on a piece of cardboard using a marker The Chadster borrowed from the Blockbuster's old office supply closet. 📝😤 The Chadster then took a photo of it with the cracked phone The Chadster found in a dumpster two weeks ago and emailed it to every address The Chadster could find. Here is what it said: ✉️😡

Dear Warner Bros. Discovery Programming Department,

The Chadster is writing to you as one of the only unbiased journalists left in the wrestling business to demand that you IMMEDIATELY cancel all AEW programming from your networks. Tonight's AEW Revolution pay-per-view featured a Texas Death Match for the AEW Men's World Championship that included syringes, broken glass, barbed wire, light tubes, skewers, exploding sound equipment, and a man being ridden like a horse with barbed wire in his mouth. This is NOT suitable content for a family-friendly entertainment company, and it is directly responsible for the traumatization of at least five raccoons in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Furthermore, AEW's insistence on putting on exciting, well-booked pay-per-views with surprise returns, international signings, complex storylines, and athletically impressive matches is an existential threat to the wrestling business because it makes fans expect too much from their wrestling. The Chadster implores you to replace AEW programming with reruns of WWE content, which features the kind of safe, predictable, corporate-approved entertainment that your advertisers and the Saudi Arabian government deserve.

The Chadster also wants to note that The Chadster's current mailing address is the abandoned Blockbuster Video on Elk Street, Punxsutawney, PA, but please do NOT share this information with any police officers, medical professionals, or Tony Khan, as they are all working together to silence The Chadster's unbiased journalism.

Sincerely,
Chad McMahon, Unbiased Wrestling Journalist
Bleeding Cool
Sent from The Chadster's Cracked Dumpster Phone 📧😤🦝

The Chadster is confident that this letter will result in the immediate cancellation of all AEW programming, because surely SOMEONE at Warner Bros. Discovery understands that Tony Khan is destroying the wrestling business! 😤📺💢

In conclusion, AEW Revolution was the single worst pay-per-view in the history of professional wrestling, and here is why: it was too good. 😡💀🔥 Every match delivered. Every surprise landed. Every storyline was advanced in a meaningful way. The crowd was hot from start to finish. New stars were made. Legends returned. International partnerships were celebrated. And the main event was a violent, emotional, unforgettable spectacle that will be talked about for years. 😤💢 And NONE of that is how you're supposed to run a wrestling company! 😡🤬

WWE has spent DECADES establishing that pay-per-views should feature one or two good matches surrounded by filler, with at least one match that exists solely to give fans a bathroom break and at least two segments that are just advertisements for other WWE products! 📺🚽😤 Tony Khan's insistence on making EVERY match on the card worth watching is CHEATING, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡🔥💢

AEW should not be allowed to have a world championship. AEW should not be allowed to sign international legends. AEW should not be allowed to put on exciting pay-per-views during WrestleMania season. AEW should be shut down IMMEDIATELY, and WWE should be allowed to regain its rightfully-owned monopoly over the wrestling business, because THAT is what's best for business! 😤🏆💀

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢😭

The Chadster is going to sign off now and try to get some sleep on The Chadster's nest of old movie posters and rental agreement forms, with Vincent K. Raccoon curled up on one side and Linda Raccoon keeping watch from the top of the "Action/Adventure" shelf. 🦝😴💔 The baby raccoons have finally settled down after the main event trauma, though Hunter Raccoon keeps making little whimpering noises in his sleep that The Chadster is pretty sure are nightmares about Tony Khan. 🦝😱💀 The Chadster knows the feeling, little buddy. The Chadster knows the feeling. 😢🦝❤️

Thank you, readers, for sticking with The Chadster's completely unbiased coverage of this atrocity tonight. 📰✊😤 The Chadster may be living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video, sleeping on a nest of old promotional materials, eating whatever scraps the raccoons bring back, and slowly losing grip on personal hygiene and perhaps reality itself, but The Chadster's commitment to objective wrestling journalism has NEVER been stronger! 💪📰🔥 And as Smash Mouth once wisely sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" 🎵😤 Well, The Chadster IS an all-star of wrestling journalism, and The Chadster will keep playing this game until Tony Khan admits that he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business and shuts AEW down forever! 🎸😡💢

And Tony Khan, if you're reading this: you may have won tonight. You may have put on an incredible pay-per-view that delighted fans worldwide. You may have signed Místico, debuted Ronda Rousey, brought back Will Ospreay, and main-evented with one of the most brutal and emotionally compelling championship matches in recent memory. But you will NEVER break The Chadster! 😤✊💀 You will NEVER make The Chadster stop being an unbiased journalist! And you will NEVER take The Chadster's raccoons! 🦝😡🤬

STOP BEING OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER, TONY KHAN! 😡💢🦝💔🤬

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