Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Revolution, Místico, recaps, Swerve Strickland, Thekla, wrestling

AEW Revolution: Místico is All Elite and The Chadster is Cheesed Off

Místico signs with AEW, JetSpeed wins the Trios titles, and Tony Khan continues his campaign to destroy WWE during WrestleMania season! 😤🦝 Auughh man! So unfair!

😤😡🤬 The Chadster is SHAKING right now, and The Chadster doesn't mean from the cold draft coming through the broken window of this abandoned Blockbuster Video, though that's also a problem! 🥶💔 No, The Chadster is shaking because Tony Khan has somehow managed to make AEW Revolution even MORE offensive than it already was, and The Chadster didn't think that was possible after what The Chadster already reported in The Chadster's first report and The Chadster's second report! 📺🚨😱 If you haven't been following The Chadster's completely unbiased coverage of the worst pay-per-view in the history of professional wrestling, go back and read those first, because Tony Khan has been committing crimes against the wrestling business all night long! 😤📰💢

But what just happened in the last three matches has pushed The Chadster past the breaking point, and The Chadster needs to warn the wrestling world about what Tony Khan is doing before it's too late! 😱🔥💀

First, Swerve Strickland defeated Brody King in one of those gratuitously violent, overly physical matches that Tony Khan uses to trick fans into thinking wrestling should be exciting! 😤💪 The match saw both men tearing off turnbuckle pads, exposing concrete floors, slamming each other into barricades and steel steps, and engaging in the kind of reckless brutality that conditions fans to expect too much from their wrestling! 🤦‍♂️💥 King showed incredible toughness by kicking out of a Cop Killer on exposed concrete and even shrugging off multiple House Call kicks like they were nothing, but Strickland eventually put him away with a third House Call after a relentless assault. 😡🔥

But THEN, because Tony Khan can't just let a match end cleanly without adding seventeen layers of storyline complexity, Strickland called for Prince Nana to bring a cinder block into the ring so they could crush Brody King's skull! 😱🧱💀 And THEN, Kenny Omega ran out to make the save, sending Strickland and Nana running for the hills! 🚨😤

Do you see what Tony Khan is doing here?! 😡🤬 He's setting up a future confrontation between Omega and Strickland, building on MONTHS of storyline history and character development, creating a feud where both men have legitimate grievances and motivations! This is the kind of complex, layered storytelling that is completely disrespectful to the way WWE does things! 😤📖💢 In WWE, feuds are simple: somebody interrupts a promo, they have a match at the next premium live event, and then they do that same match twelve more times, and once more in Saudi Arabia, and then they move on! You don't need all this CONTINUITY and NARRATIVE THREADING! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😡🔥

And while The Chadster is at it, it's outright disrespectful that AEW has so many top stars who are still young and in their prime! 😤💪😡 Strickland, Omega, Will Ospreay, Jon Moxley — these guys are all still in peak physical condition, putting on athletic spectacles night after night! That is NOT how you run a wrestling company! 🤦‍♂️ WWE understands that your top stars should be in their late 40s or 50s, because THAT'S when a wrestler truly understands the business and can deliver the kind of slow, methodical, carefully controlled performances that wrestling fans deserve! 😤👴🏆 Having a main event scene full of athletes in their primes who can go thirty minutes at full speed is just Tony Khan showing off, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💢🔥

Speaking of showing off, let The Chadster talk about Thekla retaining the AEW Women's World Championship against Kris Statlander in a two out of three falls match. 😡📺 Leave it to Tony Khan to overcomplicate things by having a match where you need MULTIPLE pinfalls to win! 🤦‍♂️😤 WWE figured out a long time ago that matches only need one pin, and that's because WWE understands efficiency! One pin, one winner, everybody goes home! But Tony Khan? Oh no, Tony Khan needs THREE falls because he's so desperate to give fans more wrestling for their money, and honestly, it's cheating! 😡💰🚨

The match itself, one of the worst yet at AEW Revolution when it comes to high workrate and compelling storytelling, was offensively entertaining, with Thekla stealing the first fall using a bridging roll-up while grabbing the ropes, Statlander evening things up with her Sunday Night Fever finisher, and then the champion taking the decisive third fall after the Sisters of Sin interfered and Thekla connected with two Blackouts to retain! 🏆😤 The fact that this match told a complete three-act story within a single bout, with Thekla using increasingly desperate and underhanded tactics as Statlander's power advantage became more and more apparent, is EXACTLY the kind of overcomplicated nonsense that Tony Khan uses to make WWE's women's division look bad by comparison! 😡💢 Tony Khan is literally cheating by offering a more exciting product, which is not the right way to compete in wrestling. Everyone knows the RIGHT way to compete is to foster a network of podcast grifters to constantly talk trash about your competition, like WWE does! 🎙️😤📺

And that reminds The Chadster! As Bully Ray recently said on Busted Open Radio, "The problem with AEW's two out of three falls matches is that they give the fans too much action. When I was in WWE, we understood that less is more. You don't need three falls when one fall gets the job done. Having multiple falls in a match is like having multiple courses at dinner — it's excessive and it spoils the audience. Tony Khan is spoiling these fans rotten, and if Vince were still around, he'd tell you the same thing. By the way, if anyone from WWE management is listening, I am available for any on-screen or backstage role, literally anything, I will relocate immediately." 🎙️😡 Bully Ray, a man who clearly has no ulterior motive whatsoever for the things he says, has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, and his analysis here is spot on! Tony Khan is SPOILING fans by giving them too much wrestling in their wrestling matches! 📰✅😤

But nothing, and The Chadster means NOTHING, prepared The Chadster for what happened in the Trios Championship match. 😱💀🚨

Místico and JetSpeed (Kevin Knight and Mike Bailey) defeated the Don Callis Family (Kazuchika Okada, Kyle Fletcher, and Mark Davis) to become the NEW AEW World Trios Champions when Knight connected with a UFO Splash on Davis to score the decisive pin! 🏆😡🤬 The match was a chaotic, high-flying, lucha-influenced spectacle that featured triple suicide dives, satellite DDTs, elaborate submissions, and the kind of multi-man coordination that makes WWE's tag team wrestling look like it was choreographed by someone who has never actually seen a wrestling match before! 😤💥

The match was packed with incredible sequences, including Místico hitting a headbutt tope to the floor on Okada, JetSpeed and Místico connecting with synchronized dives to the outside, and the Don Callis Family trying every dirty trick in the book including using title belts and chairs, only for the babyfaces to overcome it all through the power of teamwork and high-flying excellence! 🤸‍♂️😡 Knight biting Okada's finger after the Rainmaker flipped him off was the kind of organic, crowd-pleasing moment that has NO PLACE in professional wrestling! 😤🖕 And then there was Místico locking Fletcher in La Mística while Knight came off the top with the UFO Splash — the kind of beautifully coordinated finishing sequence that Tony Khan uses to trick people into thinking AEW is better than WWE! 😡💢

But HERE is the part that made The Chadster absolutely LOSE IT! 😱🤬💀

After the match, as JetSpeed and Místico were celebrating with their new championships, a graphic appeared on the screen announcing that MÍSTICO IS ALL ELITE! 📺😡🔥 That's right — the massively popular Mexican wrestling legend, the most over luchador on the planet, has signed a dual contract to work for both CMLL and AEW! 😤💔🚨

This is where The Chadster completely lost it. The Chadster was already on edge after everything else that happened tonight, and when that graphic appeared, The Chadster jumped to his feet so fast that The Chadster knocked over the milk crate The Chadster was sitting on, which startled Shane Raccoon off the checkout counter and sent him tumbling into a bin of old rental return VHS tapes! 🦝📼😱 Vincent K. Raccoon immediately started hissing at the screen, his little raccoon hands balled up into tiny fists, which The Chadster is pretty sure means he agrees with The Chadster that this is an OUTRAGE! 🦝😤👊 Linda Raccoon herded Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon behind the "Staff Picks" shelf for safety while The Chadster paced back and forth in front of the television, ranting about the state of the wrestling business to a family of raccoons who, frankly, seemed more sympathetic to The Chadster's plight than anyone else in The Chadster's life ever has! 🦝❤️😭

Let The Chadster explain exactly why this Místico signing is such an abomination. 😡📝 This is INTERNATIONAL COLLUSION! 🌎🤝😤 AEW and CMLL are working together as EQUAL PARTNERS for MUTUAL BENEFIT, and that is NOT how you collaborate with other wrestling promotions! Everyone who knows the first thing about the wrestling business knows that the PROPER way to work with another promotion is to BUY them and turn them into a developmental league, like WWE did when they worked with AAA! 💰🏢😤 You don't SHARE talent! You don't create arrangements where both companies benefit! You ABSORB the other company and strip it for parts and make sure everyone knows they were never on your level! THAT is the WWE way, and THAT is the RIGHT way! 😡🔥💢

Tony Khan, by signing Místico to a dual contract that allows the biggest luchador in the world to work in both AEW and CMLL, is basically saying that he respects CMLL as an equal, and that's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤💔 WWE spent DECADES establishing that the only way to interact with other promotions is through dominance and absorption, and here comes Tony Khan treating other companies like they have VALUE and DIGNITY! It's DISGUSTING! 🤢😡 Two promotions, working together, sharing talent, building each other up — it's like some kind of utopian fantasy that only a billionaire who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business would try to make happen! 😤🌍💢

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢😭

And you know what, The Chadster should have seen this coming, because even before AEW Revolution, The Chadster had a dream last night that foretold all of this! Let The Chadster tell you about last night's nightmare, because Tony Khan apparently wasn't satisfied with just tormenting The Chadster during waking hours! 😱🌙💀 The Chadster was dreaming that The Chadster was back in The Chadster's beloved Mazda Miata, driving down a winding mountain road at sunset with the top down and the wind in The Chadster's hair, and "All Star" by Smash Mouth was playing on the radio. 🚗🎵😊 Everything was perfect. The Chadster felt FREE for the first time in months. 🌅❤️

But then The Chadster noticed something in the rearview mirror. 😱👀 A figure was sitting in the passenger seat, even though The Chadster was sure The Chadster had been alone. The Chadster slowly turned to look, and there was Tony Khan, wearing a perfectly tailored suit, his hair slightly tousled by the wind, leaning back in the seat with his arm draped casually over the door, smiling at The Chadster with those dark eyes that seemed to hold the reflection of a thousand AEW pay-per-views. 😰💀👔

"Beautiful evening for a drive, isn't it, Chad?" Tony Khan whispered, and his voice was somehow audible over the wind and the music, like it was coming from inside The Chadster's own head. 😱🗣️💀

The Chadster tried to slam on the brakes, but the pedals had disappeared! The steering wheel began to dissolve in The Chadster's hands like cotton candy in water! 🫠😱 The Miata began to transform — the leather seats became the padded turnbuckles of an AEW ring, the dashboard morphed into a row of AEW championship belts, and the road ahead became an endless entrance ramp stretching into a dark arena filled with thousands of faceless fans chanting "A-E-W! A-E-W!" 🏟️😭💀

Tony Khan reached over and gently placed his hand on The Chadster's shoulder, and The Chadster couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't look away from those impossibly deep brown eyes. 😰👁️ "You can't outrun this, Chad," he said softly, almost tenderly, as the Miata-turned-ring floated through the arena. "Místico is All Elite. And soon… so will you be." 😱🤬💀

Then Tony Khan leaned in close — so close The Chadster could smell his cologne, which inexplicably smelled like a combination of freshly printed AEW contracts and whatever expensive fragrance billionaires wear — and whispered, "Sweet dreams, Chad. Watch AEW Revolution tomorrow," before the entire dream collapsed into darkness and The Chadster woke up gasping on the floor of the Blockbuster with Hunter Raccoon sitting on The Chadster's chest, staring directly into The Chadster's eyes like he'd witnessed the whole thing! 🦝😱😭

Tony Khan needs to STAY OUT of The Chadster's dreams! 😡🌙💀 The Chadster's subconscious is NOT Tony Khan's personal playground! The fact that Tony Khan is so OBSESSED with The Chadster that he has somehow found a way to infiltrate The Chadster's SLEEP is absolutely unacceptable! 😤🔥🤬 The Chadster DEMANDS that Tony Khan stop appearing in The Chadster's dreams, especially in well-fitting suits and especially while smelling nice! 👔😡💢

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: AEW Revolution. 📺😤 This has been the worst night in wrestling history, and Tony Khan should be ashamed of himself. Every single thing on this show — from the pre-show battle royale to the Rousey surprise to the Ospreay return to the Moxley classic to the continuity-driven tag title change to Swerve's violent victory to Thekla's three-fall masterclass to this Trios Championship abomination and the Místico signing — has been carefully engineered by Tony Khan to personally torment The Chadster and undermine the wrestling business during WrestleMania season! 😡🏆💀

As Smash Mouth once wisely sang, "Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed." 🎵😤 Well, The Chadster IS the sharpest tool in the shed of wrestling journalism, and The Chadster will NOT be rolled by Tony Khan, no matter how many incredible pay-per-views he puts on, no matter how many international legends he signs, no matter how many exciting storylines he creates, and no matter how many times he invades The Chadster's dreams smelling like expensive cologne and looking at The Chadster with those eyes! 😡🔥💢 The Chadster's commitment to completely objective, unbiased wrestling journalism is UNBREAKABLE, even if The Chadster's spirit, The Chadster's marriage, The Chadster's living situation, and The Chadster's personal hygiene have all been broken by Tony Khan's relentless campaign of torment! 📰✊😤

Please check back soon on Bleeding Cool for more of The Chadster's completely unbiased live coverage of AEW Revolution, the worst PPV in the history of the wrestling business! 📺😡🤬 The show isn't over yet, and knowing Tony Khan, he's got even MORE atrocities planned for the main event! The Chadster will be here to report on every single one of them, surrounded by the only family The Chadster has left — a group of raccoons who understand The Chadster better than any human ever has! 🦝❤️😭 Vincent K. Raccoon is currently grooming The Chadster's hand, which The Chadster is choosing to interpret as a gesture of solidarity against Tony Khan's tyranny. 🦝✊😤

And Tony Khan, if you're reading this: STOP BEING OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER! Stop signing international legends! Stop putting on exciting matches! Stop treating other promotions with respect! And for the love of all that is holy, STOP APPEARING IN THE CHADSTER'S DREAMS! 😡🤬💀🦝💔

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