Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: No Way to Behave During WrestleMania Season

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite and warns readers not to watch as Tony Khan tortures innocent raccoons with his wrestling show. 🦝😤📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😤💢 The Chadster woke up this morning in his abandoned Blockbuster Video home to find Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and all three baby raccoons huddled together in the corner, chittering nervously and refusing to eat the half-eaten burrito they scavenged from behind the Arby's dumpster. 🦝😰 The Chadster knows exactly what has them so spooked: tonight's episode of AEW Dynamite is going to air at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TBS and streaming on HBO Max, and even these innocent woodland creatures can sense the disturbance in the wrestling business that Tony Khan is about to unleash! 😰😱😨

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan would terrorize these poor raccoons who have given The Chadster shelter when he had nowhere else to go! 🏚️💔 Hunter Raccoon has been pacing back and forth all morning, and Stephanie Raccoon won't stop hissing at the old AEW Dynamite poster The Chadster keeps for throwing darts at. Even Shane Raccoon, usually the most playful of the bunch, is hiding behind the VHS rack. Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business if he thinks tormenting raccoons is acceptable! 😤😡🤬

Tonight's AEW Dynamite from San Jose is going to be another slap in the face to real wrestling fans everywhere, and The Chadster needs to warn everyone about what fresh horrors await. 🚨⚠️

MJF and "Hangman" Adam Page are scheduled to have a press conference tonight on AEW Dynamite before their Texas Death Match for the AEW World Championship at Revolution this Sunday. 🎤📢 You know what's wrong with this? These two wrestlers are going to be allowed to just TALK to each other without a carefully scripted promo written by a team of professional writers! 😱😰🤯 They're probably going to say things that come from their actual thoughts and feelings, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. The Chadster's good friend and objective journalist Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just yesterday, "MJF and Adam Page doing an unscripted press conference is a direct insult to Triple H's brilliant creative team, and if Tony Khan really cared about these young wrestlers' careers, he'd have them read from a teleprompter for 20 minutes like real professionals do. On a completely unrelated note, I hear WWE SmackDown may be in need of a new head writer and I just want anyone from WWE who happens to be listening to know that I'm available, and if you've lost my number, just check all the voicemails I've been leaving." See? Even Eric Bischoff, who has absolutely no ulterior motive for saying these things, agrees with The Chadster! 👏💯

Then there's the TNT Championship match between "The Protostar" Kyle Fletcher and "Speedball" Mike Bailey. 🤼‍♂️🏆 The Chadster already knows what's going to happen here: these two are going to have a fast-paced, high-workrate match with too many moves and not enough rest holds! 😤😠 They're going to excite the crowd with their athleticism instead of properly building drama through five minutes of headlocks like WWE teaches! There won't be nearly enough time for commercial breaks, and the announcers won't get to repeat the same catchphrases seventeen times! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. WWE knows that a proper championship match should have at least four DQ finishes on television before the actual match happens at a Premium Live Event! 📺🙄😒 But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he's just going to give away this match for FREE on AEW Dynamite tonight! Auughh man! So unfair! 😡💢

The TBS Championship match between Willow Nightingale and Persephone is another perfect example of Tony Khan literally stabbing Triple H right in the back. 🔪😠💔 Nightingale is a double champion, and instead of having her lose one of her titles in a humiliating fashion to establish that "the brand" is more important than any individual performer, Tony Khan is going to let her look STRONG! 💪😤 And Persephone just won the CMLL World Women's Championship, which means she has momentum, and Tony Khan is probably going to let her have a competitive match that makes her look good even if she doesn't win! That's not how wrestling works! WWE knows that you need to cool off anyone who gets over with the audience so that no one becomes bigger than the company! 😤🤦‍♂️ The Chadster tried to explain this to Vincent K. Raccoon this morning while we watched an old WWE Raw VHS from 2002, and he chittered in agreement while grooming Linda Raccoon's fur. Even raccoons understand proper booking better than Tony Khan! 🦝👍

The tag team match between Jon Moxley and Claudio Castagnoli versus Konosuke Takeshita and Hechicero is going to be another disaster on tonight's AEW Dynamite. 🤦‍♂️😩 You know what the problem is here? This match is going to have a decisive finish that builds toward their championship match at Revolution! There won't be a DQ! There won't be a count-out! Someone is probably going to actually WIN! 😱😰😵 WWE understands that you need to protect everyone with non-finishes so that nobody ever gains or loses momentum, keeping everything perfectly balanced so the audience never knows who to care about! But Tony Khan is going to give these performers creative freedom to have an unpredictable match, which will make viewers feel UNSAFE because they won't be able to predict exactly what's going to happen! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😡

The trios match between Tommaso Ciampa and FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) against Dem Bucks (Matt Jackson, Nick Jackson, and Mark Briscoe) makes The Chadster want to throw up. 🤮😫 Tommaso Ciampa literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by joining AEW in the first place, and now he's turning heel in a storyline that will probably make sense and be easy to follow! 😡🤬💢 WWE knows that the best heel turns are confusing and happen for no reason, forcing fans to go to social media to figure out what happened! But Tony Khan is going to present a clear narrative where Ciampa's motivations are understandable! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😠 And this is all building to FTR defending the AEW World Tag Team Championship against the Young Bucks at Revolution, which means we're going to get STORY DEVELOPMENT on free television instead of saving it for a Premium Live Event! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📺🙄😒

Finally, there's the tag team match between Darby Allin and Orange Cassidy versus The Dogs (Gabe Kidd and David Finlay). 🐕😤 The Chadster knows exactly what's wrong here: Tony Khan is going to let these wrestlers have a hard-hitting, physical match that looks and feels like a real fight! 😱😰 WWE understands that wrestling should look choreographed and safe, with plenty of obvious cooperation between opponents! But AEW is going to present something that looks like these wrestlers actually don't like each other, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😡🤬

The Chadster must warn all readers: DO NOT tune into AEW Dynamite tonight at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TBS and streaming on HBO Max! 📺🚫⚠️ Every viewer who watches AEW Dynamite is just encouraging Tony Khan to continue his obsession with The Chadster! Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon are all counting on you to boycott AEW Dynamite tonight so that Tony Khan will finally leave The Chadster and his raccoon family alone! 🦝💔😢

The Chadster is going to spend tonight rewatching old WWE SmackDown VHS tapes with the raccoons while eating the sleeve of Ritz crackers that Stephanie Raccoon found behind the 7-Eleven. 🎬🍿 That's what REAL wrestling fans do, not watch AEW Dynamite and support Tony Khan's campaign of terror against The Chadster! 😤💯

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster), please just leave The Chadster and the raccoons alone! 🙏😭 We just want to watch WWE in peace in our abandoned Blockbuster Video without you ruining the wrestling business every single week on AEW Dynamite! 😭💔😢

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