Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

El Presidente's Guide to WWE's Epic 2025 European Invasion

Comrades! El Presidente analyzes WWE's daring 11-city European tour. Learn military tactics for wrestling domination and why thermal underwear is crucial!

Greetings, my fellow comrades in professional wrestling fandom! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you from my luxurious underground bunker beneath the Statue of Liberty, where I am currently planning my next move against those meddlesome CIA agents who keep trying to steal my collection of vintage John Cena merchandise. But enough about my personal struggles – I have earth-shattering news that will shake the very foundations of Europe! The capitalist empire known as WWE has announced a most ambitious invasion plan for the European continent in March 2025, and as your resident expert in both wrestling and military strategy, I feel compelled to offer my analysis of this unprecedented maneuver.

Make no mistake, comrades – this is not merely a "tour" as the WWE propaganda machine would have you believe. No, this is a full-scale assault on the hearts and minds of the European proletariat, using the irresistible weapons of spandex-clad warriors and elaborate soap opera storylines. As someone who has orchestrated many coups (all of them successful, I might add), I can appreciate the brilliance of this strategy.

The invasion force, led by the charismatic "American Nightmare" Cody Rhodes and the Austrian powerhouse GUNTHER, will deploy across eleven strategic locations over the course of three weeks. Their mission: to captivate the masses and convert them into lifelong WWE devotees. As a student of history, I cannot help but draw parallels to Napoleon's conquest of Europe – though I doubt even the little Frenchman could have pulled off a German suplex.

Allow me to break down the invasion itinerary for you, my comrades:

• Friday, March 14: Barcelona, Spain – Friday Night SmackDown at Olimpic Arena
• Saturday, March 15: Dortmund, Germany – Road to WrestleMania Tour at Westfalenhalle
• Sunday, March 16: Hannover, Germany- Road to WrestleMania Tour at ZAG Arena
• Monday, March 17: Brussels, Belgium – Monday Night RAW at Forest National
• Friday, March 21: Bologna, Italy- Friday Night SmackDown at Unipol Arena
• Saturday, March 22: Belfast, Northern Ireland – Road to WrestleMania Tour at SSE Arena
• Sunday, March 23: Nottingham, England – Road to WrestleMania Tour at Motorpoint Arena
• Monday, March 24: Glasgow, Scotland – Monday Night RAW at OVO Hydro
• Friday, March 28: London, England – Friday Night SmackDown at O2 Arena
• Saturday, March 29: Vienna, Austria – Road to WrestleMania Tour at Wiener Stadthalle
• Sunday, March 30: Amsterdam, Netherlands – Road to WrestleMania Tour at Ziggo Dome
• Monday, March 31: London, England – Monday Night RAW at O2 Arena

As you can see, comrades, this is a meticulously planned campaign that would make even my old friend Fidel Castro green with envy. The WWE forces will be striking at the heart of Europe's major population centers, using a combination of televised assaults (RAW and SmackDown) and guerrilla-style weekend skirmishes.

Now, some may question the wisdom of announcing such an invasion plan well in advance. But this is where the genius of Vince McMahon's protégé, Triple H, truly shines. By giving the European masses ample warning, he ensures that they will be eagerly awaiting the arrival of their spandex-clad conquerors, much like my citizens eagerly await my weekly televised speeches (attendance is mandatory, of course).

As a seasoned tactician, I must commend the WWE on their choice of strongholds. The O2 Arena in London, for instance, will serve as an excellent command center for the final push of the campaign. And the decision to strike at the heart of EU bureaucracy in Brussels? Truly inspired. I only wish I had thought of using professional wrestlers to overthrow the Belgian government during my younger, more revolution-happy days.

But comrades, we must not underestimate the challenges that lie ahead for our beloved WWE superstars. The European terrain can be treacherous, especially for those accustomed to the climate-controlled arenas of North America. I recall a particularly harrowing experience during a secret wrestling match I had with Nikita Khrushchev in the Alps – the cold played havoc with my signature move, the "Presidente's Elbow."

To ensure the success of this invasion, I humbly offer the following advice to the WWE high command:

1. Ensure all superstars are equipped with proper thermal underwear. Nothing ruins a good bodyslam quite like hypothermia.
2. Be wary of local cuisine. I once saw Andre the Giant laid low by a particularly potent plate of haggis during a top-secret wrestling summit in Scotland.
3. Train the roster in basic European languages. Nothing wins over a crowd quite like Rhea Ripley shouting "Ich bin ein Berliner!" before delivering a devastating Riptide.
4. Always have a backup plan. In the event of unexpected resistance, I recommend deploying the ultimate weapon: a shirtless Theory, whose abs have been known to render entire populations docile and compliant.

In conclusion, comrades, I urge you all to prepare for this historic invasion. Register for those presale opportunities, stock up on face paint and replica championship belts, and brace yourselves for the onslaught of suplexes, dropkicks, and melodramatic promos that await.

And to my dear comrade Triple H, if you're reading this, I have but one request: please consider a Latin American tour in the coming months. I promise to fill the arena with totally willing and not-at-all coerced attendees. Until then, I'll be practicing my People's Elbow in anticipation.

This is El Presidente, signing off from my bunker. Remember, comrades: in wrestling, as in revolution, victory goes to those who are not afraid to climb to the top rope and take the leap! Viva la WWE!

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