Think of the beginning of most animal documentaries. They often start in forests dense in greenery with a subtle male British accent leading the camera's navigation. One thing you wouldn't expect is to hear an interruption of the narration from a singular female voice singing "You get the limo out front (oh oh) Hottest styles, every shoe, every color." Sir David Attenborough can be seen irritably scanning his surroundings, after all, he was narrating another male bird's mating dance and twig retrieval.
He's ready for battle but remains unaware of the camouflage abilities of his current competitor. Ahead, from behind a tall mossy tree, Hannah Montana herself comes into sight. The outfit doesn't appear to be "forest-ready" but then again Attenborough is like an omnipotent antique encyclopedia being here and in his home sipping tea at the same time, so no judgments here.
Hannah Montana adorns her blonde wig, ready to fling it off at a moment's notice to become Miley Cyrus. White and tan cowboy boots, two differently colored tank tops on a short-sleeve shirt, a purse one could only find in the rarest Kohl's collection, and oddly bleached but not bleached skinny jeans finish the look. Attenborough is not impressed and in his attempt to get at the icon's nerves, he simply stares at her with a powerful look of pure boredom only the British could muster. Prepared for this, from one random episode involving the Queen of England, Hannah Montana pulls out a perfect distraction…a chunky silver scarf with speckles of connecting sparkles that scream 2009. The bits of light reflect off of the blinding scarf into Attenborough's eyes and send him panicking momentarily.
One may assume that the relics of the 2000s would be a great tool against the 95-year-old broadcaster, but think again. He's an ancient man whose extended weird knowledge of the history of their location is large. He knows the area, but Hannah Montana also knows how to blend in and out of her surroundings, so much so that she sends Attenborough into another confused state after running around him changing her wigs. As she is about to sing "Nobody's Perfect", an obvious taunt towards her rival, Attenborough remembers an important piece of information about the forest…it's known for unsteady ground and the occasional areas of developing quicksand. Hannah Montana stops in her tracks as her tight-fit skinny jeans and boots become enveloped in the quicksand and any reluctance only gets her more stuck. Attenborough gets ready to be omnipotent as hell again and transport himself off to watch penguin families migrate. Before disappearing like some odd magic act, he makes Hannah Montana aware that he's won by snatching her flowing wig off her head and placing it on his. Only the quietness of "I'm the star now" can be heard in the forest as he drifts off. So you know what this means? The victory goes to…
Britt's Nonsense Battle Winner: Sir David Attenborough!