Impact Recap: Tommy Dreamer Un-Retires for One More Hardcore Match

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from Texas, where I am currently using my body heat to melt the snow and ice. From each according to their abilities, and to each according to their needs, comrades. And if there's one thing El Presidente has, it's HEAT! Haw haw haw haw! But these freezing Texans can wait, comrades, because it's time for something more important: Impact Wrestling.

Following Tommy Dreamer's loss to Rich Swann on his 70th birthday at No Surrender last weekend, the Innovator of Violence told Busted Open Radio that he's stepping away from on-camera work. But tonight on Impact, Dreamer was back in the ring for a hardcore match with TNA Champion Moose. You can read all about it here in El Presidente's Impact Wrestling report!

Tommy Dreamer relives his ECW glory days in a hardcore match with Moose on Impact
Tommy Dreamer relives his ECW glory days in a hardcore match with Moose on Impact.

Impact Recap – February 16th, 2021

Josh Alexander vs. TJP – X-Division Championship Match

Hot off the No Surrender Impact special, this week's Impact begins with an X-Division Championship. Josh Alexander comes out to face TJP. TJP cuts a promo on Alexander, calling him a "dour, sullen, and unsmiling wrestling hack." I wonder where he got that from, comrades. Haw haw haw haw! The match is great. TJP wins with a splash.

Winner: TJP
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Gia Miller catches Tommy Dreamer leaving Scott D'Amore's office and presses him for info. Dreamer cuts a promo on Moose. Dreamer is gonna beat sense into Moose in an Old School Rules match. So much for taking a break from in-ring stuff, comrades!

Brian Myers meets Hernandez backstage and pays him for helping win at No Surrender. He contracts him again to beat Matt Cardona. After Myers leaves, Fallah Bahh approaches with a proposition. Hernandez gives him 10 bucks.

Commentary tells us that Reno Scum will job out to NJPW's Juice Robinson and David Finlay tonight.

Willie Mack vs. Daivari vs. Suicide vs. Trey Miguel

This is a mini rehash of the Revolver match from No Surrender. They always do this after the Impact Plus specials, comrades. The one at No Surrender was better, but this was still good. Trey pins Suicide to get the win.

Winner: Trey Miguel
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Sami Callihan is waiting for Trey when he gets backstage. Sami says the same stuff he said last week about how Trey is fine when he's winning but can't handle it when he loses. Trey storms off.

Ace Austin interrupts a meeting between Scott D'Amore and TJP. Austin demands a shot at the X-Division Championship since he won the Super X Cup. D'Amore says lots of people deserve a shot, so they'll have a six-man tag tonight and then a triple threat next week with the three winners, and the winner of that will get a shot at the X-Division Championship. This booking is bordering on Steiner math, comrades. Haw haw haw haw!

Hernandez vs. Matt Cardona

Myers is at ringside with Hernandez for this match, and he cheats as often as possible. And who can blame him, comrades? If you aren't cheating, you don't want to win. That's why I made sure to rig all of the elections I was in back when I was running a socialist dictatorship, comrades, even though the people were all too scared not to vote for me anyway. But at least I was good at it. Cardona hits Radio Silence, which is his new name for the Rough Ryder, on Hernandez and gets the win, despite the interference.

Winner: Matt Cardona
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Gia Miller interviews Cardona in the ring after the match. She wants to talk about Brian Myers, but Cardona doesn't want to, comrades. He says he's here to light a new torch and carry it himself. Myers interrupts. He accuses Cardona of copying him. Cardona asks Myers about the act he's putting on, but Hernandez attacks Cardona from behind. Before the beatdown can get into full swing, Eddie Edwards runs out to make the save. Edwards and Cardona hug. Awww!

Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan are in another pad ad. They have heart-shaped sunglasses, and Schiavone has some balloons. Tony Khan says he got no gifts for Valentine's Day, but he got gifts for Impact in the form of these ads. He says he writes the ads off on his taxes as a charitable donation, comrades. He says Impact makes crappy decisions and again credits them with helping Tony open the Forbidden Door, which is himself. Tony Schiavone talks about tomorrow's Dynamite. Khan says Kenny Omega will get a belated Valentine's Day present tomorrow.

Havok wants to know why Nevaeh ditched her after they lost at No Surrender. Nevaeh says she is having doubts about their team. Tenille Dashwood and Kaleb interrupt. Tenille says she can be Havok's new tag team partner, and Havok can ditch the dead weight. Nevaeh challenges Dashwood to a match now. Dashwood accepts. Havok tells Nevaeh she has her back, but Nevaeh wants to do it on her own.

Reno Scum vs. Juice Robinson and David Finlay

Who let these street punks into the Impact Zone?! Someone get my secret police on the phone, comrades! Juice Robinson and David Finlay come out, and they have a good old-fashioned inter-promotional crossover match. Robinson and Finlay make relatively short work of Reno Scum and look great doing it.

Winners: Juice Robinson and Dave Finlay
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

The Good Brothers come out and welcome these young boys to Impact. They talk about how they used to carry the Good Brothers' bags back in the day. They say Robinson and Finlay can buy some of the Good Brothers' bourbon and then drink it with them. Robinson says they aren't young boys anymore, and it's not 2015. They'll buy the first round of drinks, but only if Gallows can make sure Anderson doesn't pass out and wake up covered in piss. These young boys have got cojones, comrades! Anderson and Gallows aren't happy with that disrespect.

Drinking at the bar, Rohit Raju blames Mahabali Shera for Raju losing to TJP at No Surrender. Shera ends up shoving Raju, who bumps into James Storm. Storm tells him to apologize. Raju refuses. So Storm breaks a bottle over his head. Shera gets in Storm's face, but Chris Sabin talks him out of fighting. Johnny Swinger shows up and invites Storm and Sabin back to his casino. Swinger reminds me of my protege, Maduro. He was always getting up to crazy schemes like this too, comrades.

After a commercial break, Storm and Sabin arrive at Swinger's Palace. Storm does some freestyle rapping for some reason. Fallah Bah arrives with the ten bucks he got earlier, plays one game of Black Jack, and busts. The Swingettes eject Fallah Bahh as Swinger steals Storm's catchphrase: "sorry about your damn luck," Just like Maduro stole my dictatorship from me after I faked my death! Haw haw haw haw! I love this guy!

Nevaeh vs. Tenille Dashwood

In an unexpectedly long match, Tenille Dashwood gets the win over Nevaeh.

Winner: Tenille Dashwood
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

I guess Nevaeh was right about herself. She is a loser, comrades. Haw haw haw haw!

Deaner cuts a promo on his cousin, Jake. Deaner wants to face Jake in a tables match alone next week and settle their family business. The entire time Deaner talks, Eric Young keeps whispering "Violent by Design" like it's a Calvin Klein commercial, comrades. It's so distracting!

Deonna Purrazzo asks Scott D'Amore to give Kimber Lee and Susan a match for the Knockouts Tag Team Championships. D'Amore likes the idea, but first, they have to face Jazz and Jordynne Grace.

So that's a number one contender's match for the Knockouts tag team championships next week with Kimber Lee and Susan vs. Jordynne Grace and Jazz. Also, commentary informs us, Deaner vs. Jake Something. And the six-man tag to lead to a triple threat for the number one contender to the X-Division Championship: Willie Mack, Trey Miguel, and Josh Alexander vs. Chris Bey, Ace Austin, and Black Taurus.

Moose vs. Tommy Dreamer

With 15 minutes left to Impact, it's time for the main event. Tommy Dreamer, who just turned 70-years-old last Saturday, has a hardcore match with the younger and far more physically fit Moose. It's the massacre you think it is, comrades. Moose beats the crap out of Tommy, but then Tommy cups his balls. Cupping the balls gives Tommy a momentary advantage. As Moose reels from the ball cupping, Tommy hits him with a garbage can lid and then gets more weapons, which is a bad move. Stick with what works, Tommy! Cup the balls! But no, comrades, he uses a baking pan and a chair and a kendo stick, and Moose recovers and regains control. And Tommy never gets it back. Moose wins with the spear.

Winner: Moose
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Did you know I wrote the lyrics to Moose's theme song, comrades?

Well, it was an excellent episode of Impact Wrestling, comrades. I give it a 2.5 out of 5. Next week's show looks even more interesting. Until next time, my friends: socialism or death!

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!