Impact Wrestling Report – The Greatest #Heath4Impact Segment Ever

After a particularly grueling Monday Night Raw, the second pro wrestling show of the week, Impact Wrestling, is here to wash away our tears. Welcome to Bleeding Cool's Impact report, where I watch wrestling and tell you what happened so you can do something productive with your life instead. Of course, with everything going on in 2020, maybe you're better off never leaving your house anyway? Well, I thank you for taking that risk and so that I can earn these essential clicks.

The official logo of Impact Wrestling.
The official logo of Impact Wrestling.

Impact Wrestling Report for September 22nd, 2020 Part 1

Melissa Santos, who usually hosts the Impact Twitch steam, Tommy Dreamer and some other guy I don't recognize are doing it instead, but Tommy has to leave to do something on the NFL Network for an hour, so he won't be back until 9 PM for the second hour of Impact. Impact starts with the usual last week on Impact video (focusing on Moose vs. EC3). Then the theme song plays, and Impact Wrestling begins with Chris Bey heading to the ring for a triple threat to decide who will face Rohit Raju for the X-Division Championship. Josh Matthews is on commentary with Madison Rayne. Trey comes out next. Then TJP. And finally, Rohit Raju comes out to observe the match.

Chris Bey vs. Trey Miguel vs. TJP – Impact X-Division Championship Title Shot at Stake

  • If you're a fan of "flippy shit," this is definitely the match for you.
  • Matthews and Rayne explain that the winner of this match will face Raju immediately, as in right after what is sure to be a grueling match while Raju is fresh.
  • Trey spends a lot of time outside the ring during this match, which Madison Rayne explains is a smart strategy to stay fresh for a match with Rohit Raju. Call it the Roman Reigns defense.
  • Trey eventually makes his move. He hits a bunch of offense on both men but gets beaten back. But then, as TJP works a submission on Bey, Trey hits a meteora off the top rope and gets the pin.

Trey gets a title shot! But it's happening right away. Trey has no time to recover before the match starts…

Trey Miguel vs. Rohit Raju – Impact X-Division Championship Match

  • Raju rolls up Trey and gets the win.

Well, sucks for you, doesn't it, Trey? I'm enjoying Rohit Raju's chickenshit heel X-Division Championship run, though.

Eric Young cuts a promo backstage. His conscience will be clear from this point forward. Everything is on Scott D'Amore and Rich Swann. Young tried to give Swann the easy way out, but he chose the hard way. The road less traveled is less traveled because Eric Young is at the end of it. Everything from here on out is Swann's fault. Impact takes a commercial break.

I still can't understand the name of the guy hosting the Twitch stream. George something? I dunno. Tommy Dreamer will be back in 45 minutes. Willie Mack is in the Twitch chat, though, apparently. Someone asks who the hell the host is. He says he's the Iceman? George Iceman is his name apparently? That's a cool name.

Gia Miller talks to Kaleb Konnely with a K, the personal photographer of Deonna Purrazzo, outside her dressing room. He says Tenille is resting after some bee venom therapy and can't talk right now, but she'll be ready tonight. But then Tenille opens the door. She relays a platitude about perseverance and goes back to her dressing room.

Kimber Lee heads to the ring with Deonna Purrazzo. Susie comes out with Kylie Rae. This match was made on Twitter, the commentary explains.

Kimber Lee vs. Susie

  • The story here is that Susie is slowly unraveling, revealing the Su Yung personality, and Kylie Rae, who has only known her as Susie, has no idea.
  • It's your typical Susie silliness for most of the match, with Kimber Lee getting most of the offense as Susie is too nice to be an effective wrestler.
  • Purazzo gets a little cheating in before a commercial break with George Iceman. The Twitch chatters want Melissa back. Iceman says she'll be back next week.
  • After that, it's more of Kimber Lee whooping Susie's ass. That is, until Susie fires up and starts beating the crap out of Kimber Lee.
  • Lee fights back to get to the top rope, but Deonna Purazzo screws up on an interference attempt, hitting Lee instead. Susie hits the Panic Switch to get the win.

Susie seems about to transform into Su Yung after the match, but Kylie calms her down. Then Deonna attacks Kylie and Susie, but Kylie fights her off and tosses her from the ring. She grabs a mic. "You wanna bully Susie? You wanna bully me? That's fine. I think you're forgetting that I'm the number one contender. You know what that means? You like bullying people so much? Come Bound for Glory, that Knockouts title, I'm coming for it. I'm challenging you at Bound for Glory for that Knockouts title."

Impact takes another commercial break. George Iceman is absolutely flabbergasted that Kylie Rae, who is, in fact, the number one contender for the Knockouts Championship, has challenged the Knockouts Champion to a Knockouts Championship match. Then again, he was also totally amazed by a debate over the quality of Domino's Pizza in the chat. You know what? I like this guy. He's got enthusiasm.

We see a commercial from Heath "Redacted." He says, "I used to have a last name, but now a billionaire keeps it in a safe." Bwahaha. He says he needs a job because he has kids and also because professional wrestling is what he loves to do. He can go anywhere he wants, but he wants to be in Impact because they have some of the best competition in the world and his best friend is here. Rhino asks fans to support Rhino conservation by tweeting the hashtag #Heath4Impact. Heath begs for us to get the hashtag trending so that Impact will give him a job. Rhino says lots of people support the cause from the world of sports and entertainment. He plays cameo videos of David Hasselhoff, Flavor Flav, Nancy Kerrigan, and Chuck Norris, none of whom have ever actually heard of Heath Slater, saying Impact should give Heath a job. Then D-Lo Brown cuts a promo about it. Rhino and Heath make one more pitch, with Heath's actual kids pushing for Impact to give him a job. This was absolutely fantastic. I loved everything about it.

The Good Brothers confront the Motor City Machine Guns backstage. They say the Machine Guns owe them a thank you for stepping in for those "young boys." The Rascalz show up and take issue with being called young boys. They say they've earned respect in the wrestling world and now they're gonna earn respect from the Good Brothers. They want a match. The Good Brothers accept.

The Impact Plus Flashback Moment of the Week is AJ Styles vs. Bully Ray from Bound for Glory 2013. Hey, it's Dixie Carter! We haven't seen her in a while. Short hair AJ is weird to look at in 2020. He wins the match with Spiral Tap.

What else does Impact Wrestling have in store in this episode? Find out by clicking through to part two of this Impact Report down below.

This post is part of a multi-part series: Impact Wrestling Report for September 22, 2020.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!

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