Are Jersey Shore star Pauly D and his girlfriend Nikki Hall engaged? That was the cliffhanger that ended the mid-season premiere of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation that, as all good first episodes do, left viewers with far more questions than answers. For example: is MTV planning to go ahead with featuring disgraced star Ronnie Ortiz-Magro despite his domestic violence arrest earlier this year and the announcement that he would temporarily step back from filming while he pursues improving his own mental health? Are Angelina and Chris getting a divorce? Will Vinny ever settle down? Can Mike "The Situation" survive a rematch with his greatest opponent: the wall?
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, and people always ask me: "Your Excellency, what do you like to do when you are not busy running a brutal Latin American dictatorship and duking it out with the American CIA?" And the answer, besides watching my favorite sport of professional wrestling, is enjoying reality television! The trashier the better! So you know that your El Presidente tuned in last night to watch the return of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation on MTV. If you missed it, that's okay. I will fill you in on what you need to know this time. Miss it again, however, and you will die like a dog, comrade! Haw haw haw haw! Just kidding. Maybe.
At the end of this week's episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, Pauly D dropped to one knee and broke out a ring to present Nikki as the pair celebrated their one-year anniversary, an event so shocking it overshadowed Pauly's other major plot development: dying his blowout platinum blonde. Pauly's fear of commitment drove a wedge between him and Nikki following season one of Double Shot at Love, but after the pair reconciled in Season 2, and Nikki spent the entire pandemic at Pauly's house, their relationship has moved quickly. If Pauly's stunt is anything other than a legitimate proposal, it would be a crueler deception than anything the American CIA has ever pulled off, including framing Lee Harvey Oswald, so hopefully, things are exactly as they appear to be, comrades.
Despite rumors that MTV would edit Ronnie out of the season after his high-profile arrest in April, Ronnie was fully featured in this week's episode, and clips of episodes-to-come seem to feature him as well. Ronnie did avoid a felony charge for the arrest and he and his girlfriend, Saffire, remain united in public. In fact, Saffire made her Jersey Shore debut during last night's episode when the roommates demanded she appears on camera during a Zoom call after seeing her in the background. Ronnie and Saffire's domestic bliss was a topic of discussion amongst other cast members during the episode.
Speaking of domestic bliss, or lack thereof, amigos, Angelina and Chris Larangeira came under fire repeatedly for their relationship troubles, which have made the rounds in the tabloids in the form of divorce rumors. It seems that Chris and Angelina's sex life is basically nonexistent, as the roommates openly discussed on a zoom call. The rocky marriage looks to be a major storyline this season, with The Situation once again reinventing himself as The Investigation in a transparently staged attempt to get to the bottom of it.
Things are going much better for J-Woww and boyfriend 24, who is now 26-years-old but still the brunt of roommates' jokes over his age. Previews for upcoming episodes reveal that he and Jenny will get engaged, and, in a clip that your El Presidente is looking forward to even more than the next election, which I will win with over 95% of the vote, 24 will teach the boys some wrestling moves as they all step in the ring together for a future episode.
In other brewing storylines started on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation this week, The Situation wants to do a gender reveal by smashing through a wall, harkening back to the time in Jersey Shore Season 4 where he smashed his head into a wall in Italy to avoid getting into a fistfight with Ronnie. This time, instead of ending up in a neck brace for the remainder of the season, Big Daddy Sitch hopes the wall will explode with either blue or pink smoke, revealing the gender of his and Lauren's baby. However, Mike seemed to rethink things and the pair did a gender reveal with Christmas tree lights during last night's episode. It's a boy, comrades!
Deena and her Chris are also expecting a baby this season, and Deena's major story contribution this week was kicking off a cookie baking completion between the roommates, one which every couple excelled at except Angelina, who failed at baking and sent household items (including a dildo) to the other cast members instead, and Vinny, who had his mom bake the cookies. The competition sparked the line of the night from Situation, who said, "If Pinterest was a person, it would be Deena." Haw haw haw! Good one!
Speaking of Vinny, his storyline this season involves becoming bi-coastal, as he visited Los Angeles to shop for a house, accompanied by Ronnie. Vinny also seemed to recognize that all of his friends have settled down or are in the process of doing so, leaving him as the last single guido standing. Then again, comrades, maybe he is holding for Angelina and Chris to get divorced so he can finally get with Angelina. Haw haw haw haw! The one complaint I have about this one is the recurring joke of referring to Vinny's move as making him "bi." And during Pride Month, no less!
Overall, it was a very enjoyable episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation, and unlike the first half of the season, which dragged out the resolution of the previous season's wedding speech drama for a dozen episodes, the teasers for this season look much more promising in terms of the drama they contain, apparently including Ronnie's relationship drama. We will have to see if it pans out, comrades, but this is looking like it could potentially be the best season of Family Vacation since the band first got back together in 2018. Until next time: socialism or death!
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