Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Saturday Night's Main Event

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event: Mostly Clash in Italy Promotion

Comrades! Your El Presidente reviews WWE Saturday Night's Main Event, where champions retained, Jade pinned Rhea, and Logan Paul cheated like a true capitalist!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the back of an armored zeppelin currently drifting somewhere over international waters to avoid an Interpol notice that I am DEFINITELY not going to comment on at this time! Esteban is curled up on a velvet cushion beside me, picking at a plate of caviar blinis and demanding I recap last night's WWE Saturday Night's Main Event for the people. And who am I to deny a capybara of refined taste? Last night's edition of Saturday Night's Main Event emanated from Fort Wayne, Indiana — a city I have never invaded, though not for lack of trying — and delivered a card where every champion survived, but several challengers walked away with more momentum than my secret police on payday. Let us break it down, comrades!

The Opening of Saturday Night's Main Event

Michael Cole welcomed us to the show with a hype package celebrating the storied history of Saturday Night's Main Event, reminding the comrades at home that this program has been around longer than most of my presidential terms. A perfectly serviceable opening, comrades — the kind of montage that makes you feel patriotic for a country you have never even visited (officially)!

Team Rhea Ripley vs. Team Jade Cargill

Rhea Ripley, Charlotte Flair, and Alexa Bliss were doing surprisingly well as a trio, comrades! There was teamwork! There was unity! There was a GROUP HUG, which is the kind of revolutionary solidarity I have been preaching for decades! Then Jade Cargill rudely interrupted the embrace — Jade, comrade, do you have any idea how hard it is to get Charlotte Flair to hug ANYONE? — and proceeded to plant Rhea with Jaded for the pinfall victory. Jade, Michin, and B-Fab picked up the win, and more importantly, Jade pinned the WWE Women's Champion clean ahead of their Clash in Italy title bout. I have not seen a champion taken down so decisively since I personally deposed the previous president of my country during a poker game!

Ethan Page and Sol Ruca Backstage Promos

Ethan Page declared this the biggest night of his career and claimed Penta only held the Intercontinental Title so Page could eventually take it from him — comrades, this is the same logic the CIA uses when they claim my oil reserves "belong to the free world." Meanwhile, Sol Ruca promised one Sol Snatcher would prove she belonged among the all-time greats. The young comrade speaks with confidence! I approve!

Becky Lynch vs. Sol Ruca

Becky Lynch — The Man, the myth, the woman who once turned down my offer to lead a coup because her schedule was "full" — attacked Sol Ruca before the bell. Sol fought back valiantly, and just when she was about to hit the Sol Snatcher, Becky yanked the referee into harm's way to draw the disqualification. Comrades, this is the oldest trick in the dictator handbook — when you cannot win, sabotage the institutions! Becky followed up with Manhandle Slams after the bell because she is a bully, but the joke was on her: Nick Aldis emerged backstage to inform Becky that after consultation with Adam Pearce, she would be defending the Women's Intercontinental Championship against Sol at Clash in Italy! Bureaucratic justice, comrades! The paperwork giveth, and the paperwork taketh away!

Penta Video Promo

Penta cut a brief, fiery promo declaring that Ethan Page talks too much, while he himself fights with fire and faith. Comrades, "fire and faith" is also the name of my official presidential biography, available for purchase in the gift shop of the presidential palace for the low price of one barrel of crude oil!

Intercontinental Championship: Penta vs. Ethan Page

What a battle, comrades! Ethan Page came to FIGHT, exposing a turnbuckle in classic capitalist fashion — when you cannot win by the rules, dismantle the infrastructure! Page sent Penta crashing into the exposed steel and racked up several near-falls that had Esteban screaming in Spanish at the television. But Penta is a man of the people, and the people do not stay down! He turned the tables, sent Page face-first into the exposed turnbuckle Page himself had created (delicious irony, comrades — the bourgeoisie always falls into their own traps), and finished it with a flip piledriver to retain the Intercontinental Championship! ¡Viva Penta! ¡Cero Miedo, siempre!

Tag Title Backstage Promos

Paige and Brie Bella declared that despite everyone writing them off since Paige's miraculous return, they believed in each other. Comrades, I too believe in them, and I lit a fresh candle at the Cathedral of My Personality Cult to prove it. Nia Jax and Lash Legend claimed they were better than the champions. We shall see, comrades. We shall see.

WWE Women's Tag Team Championship: Paige & Brie Bella vs. The Irresistible Forces

Nia and Lash controlled much of this match using their considerable size advantage — comrades, these women are the size of two of my presidential limousines stacked on top of each other — and Nia nearly had it won after a diving leg drop that registered on local seismographs. But Paige broke up the pin and later rolled Nia into a folding press with help from Brie's "Brie Mode" leverage assist for the pinfall! Champions retain! Comrades, I declare next Tuesday "Brie Mode Day" in honor of this victory. Attendance is mandatory.

The Vision Video Package and Backstage Promo

WWE aired a video package on the history of the tag team titles, followed by Paul Heyman declaring The Street Profits would be DENIED, while Logan Paul declared the tag titles "the smoke" and that they belonged to The Vision. Comrade Logan, you would not know smoke if it was coming out of one of your exploding cryptocurrency rallies!

World Tag Team Championship: The Vision vs. The Street Profits

And now, comrades, the main event! The proletarian champions of partying, Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford, took the fight to Logan Paul and Austin Theory, and for a moment it seemed the working class would prevail! Bron Breakker tried to interfere, but Dawkins POUNCED him clean over the announce desk in a moment that I have already commissioned a statue of for the front lawn of my palace! Ford then hit a beautiful frog splash on Theory, but the capitalist sympathizer Heyman pointed out Theory's foot on the rope. In the ensuing chaos, Logan Paul cold-cocked Ford with a LOADED RIGHT HAND, comrades — a loaded fist, the universal symbol of the bourgeoisie! Theory pinned Ford. The Vision retain through cheating, lies, and metal objects. I am OUTRAGED. I am CALLING THE UNITED NATIONS. I am also, admittedly, not surprised.

Bron Breakker Closes the Show

To add insult to injury, Bron Breakker returned to the ring after the bell and SPEARED both Dawkins and Ford to leave The Vision standing tall to close Saturday Night's Main Event. Comrades, this is exactly what happened the time I tried to throw a state dinner for Steven Seagal and Gérard Depardieu — everything was going well until a giant man came in and ruined the canapés. Heyman, Paul, Theory, and Breakker stood victorious. The Street Profits will live to fight another day, but tonight, the imperialists won.

All in all, comrades, a solid evening of Saturday Night's Main Event — no titles changed hands, but the stories all advanced toward Clash in Italy, which is the kind of efficient narrative storytelling I respect. Now if you will excuse me, Esteban has finished his caviar and is demanding I steer the zeppelin toward Monaco. ¡Hasta la lucha, siempre!

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