Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Tribal Combat Set, Theory Swings Chairs

Comrades, El Presidente reviews WWE Raw's go-home show before Clash in Italy! Tribal Combat is signed, Austin Theory swings chairs, and Rey Mysterio rises!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the marble-tiled hot tub of my recently constructed mountainside chalet, nestled high in the Andes at an altitude so extreme that the CIA's surveillance drones become disoriented and crash into the surrounding glaciers like drunken pigeons. My loyal capybara Esteban floats beside me on a tiny inflatable raft shaped like a swan, sipping mineral water through a crystal straw held by my personal aquatic concierge, a former runner-up from a Brazilian cooking competition. Last night's WWE Raw from Columbus, Ohio served as the final stop before Clash in Italy, and comrades, what a magnificent go-home WWE Raw it was! Pour yourself something fermented and let us examine the proceedings together.

• Top Moment: Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu's intense contract signing with blood oath stakes for Clash in Italy
• Match of the Night: Penta vs. Je'Von Evans — Intercontinental Championship defense delivered an excellent opener
• Surprise Attack: Austin Theory's chair assault on Joe Hendry mid-singalong and later on Angelo Dawkins
• What to Watch at Clash in Italy: Tribal Combat between Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu; Brock Lesnar vs. Oba Femi II

Paul Heyman Opens Raw with a Brock Lesnar Message and Oba Femi Confrontation

Paul Heyman opened WWE Raw by hyping Brock Lesnar vs. Oba Femi II, with Lesnar appearing via video message to acknowledge his WrestleMania beating but promising vengeance. Then Oba Femi himself walked in, signed the contract, intimidated Heyman to within an inch of his expensive suit, and calmly informed him that this time, he is fighting to kill The Beast. Comrades, I have seen that exact look in a man's eyes only once before, when I told Kim Jong-un that we were out of his preferred brand of Swiss cheese at a state dinner. Heyman's terrified sales-pitch energy is unmatched in the industry — the man could sell you back your own kidneys and you would thank him for the discount.

Penta vs. Je'Von Evans for the Intercontinental Championship

Penta retained against Je'Von Evans in an excellent opener, countering a late OG Cutter attempt into a backstabber before finishing with the Mexican Destroyer. Evans was frustrated afterward but eventually apologized backstage and shook Penta's hand like a true gentleman of the proletariat. Comrades, this is how champions should defend their titles — every week, against the hungriest workers, distributing opportunities like a properly run collective farm. Take notes, capitalist pigs!

Logan Paul Injury and The Vision's Locker Room

Michael Cole announced that Logan Paul tore his triceps at Saturday Night's Main Event and will be out for months. Comrades, I must confess, when I heard this news, I did a small celebratory dance that startled Esteban so badly he fell off his swan raft. Austin Theory tried to hand Paul Heyman the tag title, but Heyman explained that thanks to The Vision's freedom-of-movement contract clause — a document I assume was drafted by the same lawyers who once handed my country's mountain ranges to a Swiss bank — Theory remains champion alongside Bron Breakker. Truly, the bourgeoisie always find a way to keep the gold in the hands of the few.

Austin Theory Attacks Joe Hendry

Joe Hendry led the crowd in a rousing chorus of "Can We Fire Logan Paul" before Austin Theory ambushed him with a steel chair, warning him to keep Logan's name out of his mouth. Comrades, attacking a man in the middle of a singalong is the lowest form of cowardice, comparable only to interrupting karaoke night at the presidential palace, which is punishable in my country by exile to a slightly less luxurious palace.

Seth Rollins Confronts The Street Profits

Seth Rollins tried to recruit Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford to a unified anti-Vision alliance. Ford rejected him with extreme prejudice, accusing Rollins of not understanding loyalty — a fair criticism, comrades, as Rollins has changed allegiances more times than I have changed my official military rank during a hurricane.

Bayley & Lyra Valkyria vs. Raquel Rodriguez & Roxanne Perez

Bayley and Lyra Valkyria defeated Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez after Liv Morgan was ejected for ringside interference and Dominik Mysterio's attempt to use the AAA Mega Championship backfired spectacularly when Perez accidentally clocked him with it. Comrades, Judgment Day's outside-interference strategy is becoming the wrestling equivalent of my 2007 attempt to invade a neighboring nation using only smoke signals and good intentions — beautifully planned, hilariously executed.

LA Knight and Jimmy Uso Promo

LA Knight announced he is entering the King of the Ring tournament with eyes on Roman Reigns, prompting Jimmy Uso to warn him off Bloodline business. Knight responded that if Bloodline business becomes his business, he will put them out of business. Comrades, this is the kind of MBA-thesis trash talk that makes me yearn for the days when threats were delivered properly, like the time Idi Amin threatened a rival by mailing him a tape recording of himself laughing for forty-five minutes.

Seth Rollins vs. Montez Ford

Rollins defeated Ford after a missed 450 Splash led to a Stomp, but the real action came afterward when Austin Theory ambushed Angelo Dawkins on the stage with a chair, forcing Ford to reconsider Rollins's pitch. Theory is treating chair shots like a punch card at a coffee shop — buy nine assaults, get the tenth free. Heyman is going to need a larger budget for steel chairs.

Rey Mysterio vs. Rusev — No. 1 Contender's Match

Rey Mysterio defeated Rusev by countering the Accolade into a roll-up, earning a future Intercontinental Championship match against Penta. After the bell, Rusev and Ethan Page attacked Rey before Dragon Lee made the save. Comrades, the lucha libre alliance grows stronger by the week, and I have seen what happens when masked men unite — it is how I escaped a CIA extraction attempt in 1994, accompanied by a young Antonio Banderas, who insisted on choreographing our getaway.

Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu Contract Signing

The main event saw Jacob Fatu sign the Tribal Combat contract, then proceed to redecorate the ring by throwing furniture at security until Roman Reigns emerged. Roman invoked a blood oath that prevented Fatu from touching him before Italy — a beautiful piece of family legalese — and laid out the stakes: if Fatu wins, Roman serves him; if Fatu loses, Fatu serves Roman. The segment ended with the two cousins forehead-to-forehead in a staredown so intense I could feel it through the projector sail. Comrades, this reminded me powerfully of the time I attended a family Christmas dinner with the entire Ceaușescu clan in 1989 — the level of seething family resentment was identical, though admittedly that gathering ended somewhat differently. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv2fEdRaMOM Overall, comrades, this was a tightly packed go-home WWE Raw, accomplishing exactly what a final show before a premium live event should accomplish. Next week, WWE Raw emanates live from Turin, Italy at the bizarre American hour of 2 p.m. ET, and the King and Queen of the Ring tournaments begin. I shall be watching from a hastily commandeered Italian villa, with Esteban demanding only the finest prosciutto and a private gondolier. Until then, comrades — workers of the wrestling world, seize the squared circle from the capitalist pigs! ¡Viva la lucha! ¡Viva Raw! ¡Viva la revolución!

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