Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

Tribal Combat Contract Signing Looms Over Tonight's WWE Raw (Preview)

Comrades, tonight's WWE Raw brings a Tribal Combat contract signing, Penta defending gold, Oba Femi responding to Brock Lesnar, and Judgment Day mayhem!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the captain's quarters of my newly commandeered superyacht, the Esteban's Revenge, currently anchored in international waters somewhere off the coast of a tax haven I am legally prohibited from naming. My loyal capybara Esteban is sunning himself on the upper deck while a string quartet of disgraced Eurovision contestants serenades him with the greatest hits of ABBA. Tonight, comrades, we have a magnificent episode of WWE Raw on the horizon, broadcasting on Netflix at 8 ET/5 PT, and your dictator-in-residence has prepared a thorough preview of all the festivities awaiting us. Pour yourself a glass of something illegal and let us examine what WWE Raw has in store!

Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu Contract Signing for Tribal Combat

Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu to make their World Title Tribal Combat Match official for Clash in Italy

The extreme rivalry between World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns and his cousin Jacob Fatu must be settled with Tribal Combat at WWE Clash in Italy, as the future of The Bloodline hangs in the balance.

The OTC and The Samoan Werewolf will take part in a contract signing for the highly-anticipated title rematch, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Raw on Netflix.

Comrades, nothing in this world warms my heart quite like a contract signing, because nothing ever goes according to plan at a contract signing. Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu sitting across from one another at a table with pens in hand is the wrestling equivalent of two warlords meeting in a neutral village to sign a peace treaty while both have snipers positioned on the rooftops. I should know, comrades — I have attended seventeen such meetings, and only two ended without somebody being flipped through a folding table. I once witnessed Muammar Gaddafi attempt to sign a trade agreement with a rival sheikh, and the moment the ink touched paper, a goat was released into the chamber as a distraction while Gaddafi escaped on a jet ski. The Tribal Combat stipulation is a beautiful, primal thing — settling family business through legalized violence is precisely how my own succession disputes have always been resolved. The future of The Bloodline hanging in the balance on WWE Raw tonight! I am vibrating with anticipation.

Penta vs. Je'Von Evans for the Intercontinental Championship

Penta vs. Je'Von Evans | Intercontinental Championship Match

Intercontinental Champion Penta continues to build his reputation as a true fighting champion as he prepares to battle the dynamic Je'Von Evans in a title match.

Find out who will leave Raw with the title, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

A fighting champion, comrades! Penta defends his Intercontinental Championship on free television against Je'Von Evans, the dynamic young upstart who moves through the air like a CIA reconnaissance drone over my eastern border provinces. This is how a champion should conduct himself — not hoarding the title behind layers of corporate bureaucracy like Triple H's quarterly stockholders report, but actively defending it against all challengers. The bourgeoisie at WWE corporate would prefer their champions appear once a month at "premium live events," but Penta is a true man of the people, distributing title shots to the working luchador with revolutionary generosity. Je'Von Evans, meanwhile, reminds me of a young Manuel Noriega — fearless, unpredictable, and willing to leap from terrifying heights for reasons that are never entirely clear. I cannot wait, comrades. WWE Raw shall deliver fireworks.

Oba Femi Kicks Off WWE Raw After Brock Lesnar's Attack

Oba Femi kicks Raw after suffering Brock Lesnar's surprise attack

Following a surprise attack at the hands of a returning Brock Lesnar last week, Oba Femi will kick off Raw tonight.

Don't miss all the excitement, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Comrades, last week I watched Oba Femi get reduced to geological strata by Brock Lesnar, and now The Ruler returns to WWE Raw to address the nation. This is the wrestling equivalent of a head of state delivering an emergency televised address after a failed assassination attempt — a tradition I am intimately familiar with, having delivered no fewer than twelve such speeches myself, most of them while wearing a slightly singed military uniform. I expect Oba to come out furious, defiant, and possibly signing the contract for Clash in Italy in his own blood, which I would respect enormously. Heyman somehow producing a signed contract from thin air last week reminded me of the time my finance minister produced a signed treaty I had never seen before that somehow gave a Swiss bank ownership of three of my country's mountain ranges. Bureaucracy, comrades, is the deadliest weapon in any administration's arsenal. I am eager to see how Oba responds on WWE Raw tonight.

Bayley and Lyra Valkyria vs. Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez

Bayley and Lyra Valkyria battle Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez of The Judgment Day

After an altercation during Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez's title match against WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Brie Bella and Paige last week, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria are set to battle The Judgment Day in a tag team showdown.

Don't miss all the excitement of Raw, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Excellent booking, comrades. Bayley and Lyra Valkyria intervened last week to save the champions from a Judgment Day ambush, and now they must face Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez in direct combat. This is precisely the geopolitical escalation I crave from a wrestling television program — every alliance creates a new enemy, every rescue mission creates a new grudge. It is how I have run my regional foreign policy for decades. I once helped Robert Mugabe escape a particularly aggressive seating arrangement at an African Union dinner, and the next thing I knew, I had been drawn into a six-year diplomatic feud with a small island nation I had never previously heard of. This is how wrestling works, comrades. This is how dictatorship works. Bayley and Lyra are walking into Judgment Day territory with nothing but their wits and their finishing moves, and I salute their courage on tonight's WWE Raw.

Many thanks to WWE's official website for providing the preview materials that made tonight's report possible, comrades. Tonight, I shall be enjoying WWE Raw from the grand observation deck of the Esteban's Revenge, reclining upon a chaise lounge upholstered in the finest confiscated silks, while Esteban dines on imported mango slices hand-fed to him by a former contestant from a Spanish-language dating show. A team of sommeliers stands by with rare vintages, and my personal projectionist will be displaying the broadcast across a forty-foot sail rigged specifically for this occasion. Tune in, comrades, settle in, and let us enjoy WWE Raw together as the workers of the wrestling world seize the squared circle from the capitalist pigs! ¡Viva la lucha! ¡Viva Raw! ¡Viva la revolución!

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