Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, wrestling

John Cena's Last Match Officially Set for December 13 at WWE SNME

Triple H announces John Cena's final wrestling match will happen December 13 at Saturday Night's Main Event in Washington D.C. You can't see him after this!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground wrestling training facility, where I am currently teaching my pet jaguar, Comandante Whiskers, how to perform a proper Five Knuckle Shuffle! But enough about my feline friend's wrestling career – we have earth-shattering news from the world of WWE that has even caused the CIA satellites monitoring my compound to momentarily stop functioning!

The Cenation leader himself, John Cena, has agreed to the date when he will step into the squared circle for the very last time, and Triple H has made it official with a tweet that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world faster than I can nationalize a banana plantation!

That's right, comrades! On December 13, 2025, at the Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C., the Doctor of Thuganomics will compete in his final match at Saturday Night's Main Event. It is fitting that Cena's last stand will happen in the American capital – the very same city where the CIA plots against me daily! Perhaps I will sneak across the border in my submarine (the one I won from Kim Jong-un in a karaoke contest) to witness this historic moment myself!

Just yesterday, I was discussing this very topic with my good friend and fellow wrestling enthusiast, Vladimir Putin, over a game of shirtless chess. "El Presidente," he said while putting my king in check, "John Cena has given us twenty-three years of sports entertainment. Even I cannot see him when he does that hand wave thing!" We both laughed heartily, though I suspect he viewed this less as a playful reference to Cena's notorious catchphrase and more as a serious KGB security failure.

The 17-time World Champion has been on a farewell tour that would make even my annual "Dictator's Victory Parade" look modest by comparison. After "memorable" appearances at WrestleMania 41 and SummerSlam, the one-time scourge of smarks everywhere turned beloved cultural icon will finally hang up his jorts in what promises to be an emotional goodbye.

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the American CIA, it's this: all empires must eventually come to an end, even the empire of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect. Cena's career has been more decorated than my military uniform on Revolution Day – with his seventeen World Championships, five U.S. Championship reigns, and two Royal Rumble victories. These accomplishments are almost as impressive as my record of winning 147% of the vote in my last election!

The WWE press release confirms that this spectacular event will be produced in partnership with Events DC, proving that even the American government cannot resist the draw of John Cena's final match. Perhaps this is their way of apologizing for all those failed coup attempts against me? I choose to believe so!

For those capitalist pigs… I mean, beloved comrades who wish to attend this historic event, tickets will go on sale Friday, October 17, at 10 AM ET. There's also an exclusive presale starting Wednesday, October 15, for those quick enough to seize the means of ticket production! Under a socialist system, of course, these tickets would be distributed equally among all wrestling fans, but alas, we must work within the confines of the capitalist wrestling economy.

I must admit, comrades, that John Cena has been an inspiration to dictators everywhere. His "Never Give Up" motto is something I tell my secret police every morning during our mandatory calisthenics. And his ability to overcome the odds reminds me of the time I single-handedly defeated an entire CIA strike team using only a folding chair and my knowledge of lucha libre, taught to me by the great El Santo himself during a weekend retreat in Havana with Fidel Castro.

The fact that Saturday Night's Main Event will host such a momentous occasion is also significant. This legendary program, which I used to watch via intercepted satellite signals in the 1980s, is the perfect venue for Cena's swan song. It's almost as poetic as the time I wrote a 500-page epic poem about the benefits of state-controlled media!

As we prepare to bid farewell to John Cena, let us remember all the joy he has brought us over the years. From his debut against Kurt Angle to his countless title reigns, from his rivalry with Edge to his battles with Roman Reigns, John Cena has been a constant in our lives, much like my iron-fisted rule over my beloved subjects!

Will Cena go out on his back, putting over a younger talent in the grand tradition of wrestling? Or will he achieve one final moment of glory, his hand raised in victory as the crowd chants "John Cena Sucks" with loving irony? Only time will tell, comrades!

Until next time, this is your El Presidente, reminding you that while we may not be able to see John Cena after December 13, at least we can still see the benefits of a properly implemented socialist healthcare system! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to teaching Comandante Whiskers the Attitude Adjustment. He's almost got it down, though his paws make it difficult to properly execute the fireman's carry. ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva Cena! ¡Viva la revolución!

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