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NXT Great American Bash: Some Stuff Happened While All In Was On

Your El Presidente reviews NXT's Great American Bash while hiding from the CIA in Atlanta's sewers! Tables were broken, socialism was promoted, wrestling fans won!

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Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the Atlanta sewer system, where I have been hiding ever since the CIA discovered my secret stash of Oba Femi action figures! And what better way to spend my time in exile than watching NXT's Great American Bash on my 150-inch plasma television while I keep up with AEW All In: Texas on my platinum-plated iPad Mini Max?

A moment captured from the match featuring Blake Monroe and Jordynne Grace against Fatal Influence at the NXT Great American Bash.
A moment captured from the match featuring Blake Monroe and Jordynne Grace against Fatal Influence at the NXT Great American Bash.

Ah, the irony is not lost on me – a Latin American dictator enjoying something called the "Great AMERICAN Bash." But as my good friend Kim Jong-un once told me while we were sharing a bucket of KFC and watching old Dusty Rhodes matches, "Wrestling transcends all borders, especially when there are tables involved!"

The show kicked off with Je'Von Evans defeating Jasper Troy, and let me tell you, comrades, this match had more twists than the time I tried to explain to the CIA why I had 47 identical body doubles. Evans, fighting through injured ribs like your El Presidente fights through international sanctions, managed to roll up the bigger Troy for the victory. This reminds me of my own battles with capitalism – sometimes the smallest revolutionary can topple the biggest oppressor!

Sol Ruca retained her Women's North American Title against Izzi Dame in a match that featured more hard hits than my last meeting with the UN Security Council. Ruca's Sol Snatcher finisher is almost as devastating as my economic policies! Speaking of which, under socialism, all wrestling finishers would be distributed equally among the workers. But I digress.

The North American Title match between Ethan Page and Ricky Saints was falls count anywhere, which reminded me of my elections – you can win anywhere, as long as you control who's counting! Page retained after putting Saints through tables with a Razor's Edge off the stage. My friend Maduro and I once did something similar at a state dinner, though we used diplomatic tables and the only thing that fell was our approval ratings.

But comrades, the real drama came during the TNA World Title contract signing. Trick Williams, Joe Hendry, and Mike Santana were there, and it ended with Williams going through a table faster than democracy in my country! Then the mysterious Darkstate appeared – clearly a CIA operation if I've ever seen one. They attack randomly and disappear into the shadows? That's page one of the CIA handbook, which I know because I stole a copy during my last visit to Langley. (They thought I was there for "peace talks," but I was really just trying to get John Cena's autograph.)

The penultimate match saw Oba Femi retain his NXT Title against Yoshiki Inamura in a match that featured more power moves than my last military parade. Josh Briggs tried to help Inamura cheat, but Inamura refused – such nobility! This is why capitalism will fail, comrades. Under socialism, everyone would help each other cheat equally!

The show concluded with Blake Monroe and Jordynne Grace defeating Fatal Influence. Monroe showed the kind of charisma that could lead a revolution, while Grace displayed the power of the proletariat! Together they triumphed over their oppressors, much like how I triumph over logical election boards!

Overall, this Great American Bash was more entertaining than the time Gaddafi and I tried to start our own wrestling promotion (it failed when we couldn't agree on whether the championship belt should be made of gold or enriched uranium). NXT continues to deliver the kind of action that makes even a hardened dictator's heart grow three sizes – which my doctor says is actually a serious medical condition, but what does he know? He's not even a real doctor, just my cousin Miguel with a lab coat!

Until next time, comrades, remember: In wrestling, as in revolution, sometimes you must powerbomb your enemies through the table of oppression! Viva la lucha libre!

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El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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