Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, cm punk, the elite, wrestling

Report: Muffin-Fueled Drama and Backstage Power Plays Rock AEW

Your El Presidente spills the beans on the chaotic backstage drama at AEW Collision between CM Punk and proxies of The Elite! Take a whiff, Comrades!

Greetings, comrades! Your beloved El Presidente is addressing you from the gold-encrusted confines of my palace's panic room, evading the incessant prying from the American CIA. They seem unduly consumed with my collection of signed wrestling spandex. But, do not worry compadres, we have more pressing matters at hand; like the behind-the-scenes rumbles at the ring of AEW Collision involving CM Punk and The Elite.

Remember the time I convinced dear amigo, Kim Jong Un, to ban the use of the term 'backstab' in North Korean wrestling matches after a particularly spicy bout of UNO? Well, same goes for the AEW Collision. Word on the street – courtesy of Sean Ross Sapp – is that Ryan Nemeth became persona non grata last Saturday, all thanks to CM Punk, and a rather audacious tweet Mr. Nemeth fired off accusing Punk of being "soft" last year. According to comrade Sapp, Nemeth, a frequent guest of Being the Elite, the cinematic venture of Punk's political enemies, was booked for AEW Collision last Saturday, but was sent home by a coach. It's apparently not the first time, and Sapp noted that Punk previously confronted Nemeth for that tweet he sent about him. Ha! And when your favorite dictator stubbed his toe and wailed like a teething baby, Maduro called me "soft." Irony, comrades, it's not just for capitalist pigs!

Now these overzealous agents from CIA claim that the universe doesn't revolve on their command. Ha! Try telling that to CM Punk! Comrade Dave Meltzer followed up Sapp's report on the Wrestling Observer Radio show to say that both Matt Hardy and AEW Head of Talent Relations Christopher Daniels were sent home in a similar manner in past weeks. Meltzer indicated that Tony Khan would deny this is the case, but that his sources believe CM Punk is behind the moves. But remember, where The Elite dare tread, Matt Hardy and Christopher Daniels are sure to follow. Comrades, just like Che Guevara followed my lead to the bars of Havana with promises of rum and revolution, so Hardy and Daniels are the intimates of the Elite. The CIA might try to convince you otherwise, but guess what, they say lots of things!

Meanwhile, after AEW Collision went off the air last Saturday, Punk cut a promo running down Elite member Hangman Adam Page, whose feud with Punk last year was the start of the animosity between them when Page made an unplanned remark during a promo hinting at rumors Punk had tried to sabotage the career of former best friend turned legal enemy Colt Cabana, a rumor Punk believed The Elite were leaking to dirt sheets like Sapp's and Meltzer's. That animosity ultimately led to the Brawl Out incident, where Punk, after winning the AEW Championship, joined the post-All Out press conference hopped up on muffins and slandered Cabana, Page, and The Elite while a doe-faced Tony Khan sat next to him, smiling as if his mind had retreated to a safe place, much like the time I kidnapped Viktor Orbán's miniature vizla and forced him to go on state television to admit I was the best canasta player in the Global Dictators' Social Club. Haw haw haw haw!

Punk's sultry remarks and invitation to meet him backstage led to a toothy backstage brawl between Punk and The Elite that so all involved suspended and stripped of their titles, with The Elite returning soon after and Punk remaining out with an injury. Punk returned earlier this year to launch AEW Collision, where he appears to be involved heavily in running the show, and where talent friendly to Punk only are rumored to be allowed to appear, while talent friendly to The Elite appear on AEW Dynamite. The worst part is that all of this makes for the most interesting drama to happen in wrestling in years, but apparently none of it can be utilized on television because the two camps cannot get along with each other, like the time North Korean national talent show was deprived of my award-winning tap-dance routine with Fidel Castro due to a feud we were having over ICBM missle rights in Antarctica.

Now, comrades, just between you and I, isn't it not the wittiest when the ones who preach tolerance can't stand even a whiff of dissent? A dictator's trait indeed. Add to it being hopped up on muffins and paranoia, he sees enemies in all, even a former amigo who shares a bank account with his mother or an anxious millennial cowboy. I can't remember the last time I saw such debauchery, probably when Vladimir Putin helped himself to the last of my sweet Guatemalan rum.

In this dog-eat-dog arena of AEW, The Elite and Punk continue to king-hit each other, whilst the clueless Tony Khan tap dances around. The backstage has turned into a ring of fire, suspensions raining, titles stripped, and old friendships trampled upon. Soviet-worthy intrigue, comrades! In the present scenario, a budding camaraderie with Punk is perceived as a golden ticket to AEW Collision. It's as beautiful as our communal farms, just without the muck! The Elite has seemingly hitched their wagons to AEW Dynamite. Their refusal to work with Punk mimics my refusal to share my guacamole recipe with the CIA, trust me, that's a level up.

So, comrades, the grudge match intensifies as the countdown to the record-breaking All In event at Wembley Stadium looms closer. Punk vs. The Elite is AEW's main storyline, but unfortunately every development happens behind the scenes and can only be mentioned in dirt sheet gossip reports instead of on television. Just as we upend the CIA at every turn, let's watch this space to see if Punk and the Elite can turn the tide in their wrestling revolution and agree to work together (unless they already have). For now, the best action in wrestling occurs behind the scenes, secretly and silently, like your El Presidente on a sneaky midnight raid on his own palace kitchen. Adios!

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