Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Hulk Hogan, shelton benjamin, wrestling

Shelton Benjamin Verbally Bodyslams Hulk Hogan Over Non-Apologies

The revolution begins as Shelton Benjamin tells Hulk Hogan to keep his name out of his mouth! El Presidente reports on this glorious uprising against Hulkamania!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underwater wrestling arena where I host matches between captured CIA agents and trained dolphins! Today, I bring you news of a glorious revolutionary uprising in the world of professional wrestling!

For too long, the bourgeois icon known as Hulk Hogan has walked around like the proletariat should kiss the ground beneath his twenty-four-inch pythons. But now, a hero of the people has emerged to challenge this capitalist figurehead! Yes, comrades, Shelton Benjamin has finally done what so many wrestling stars have been afraid to unequivocally do – call out the Hulkster for his non-apology apologies following his racist comment scandal!

This reminds me of the time my good friend Fidel Castro and I were watching WrestleMania together while smoking cigars, and he turned to me and said, "El Presidente, I bet all this talk of prayers and vitamins is covering up for some major character flaws." How right you were, mi amigo!

For those of you who may have been hiding in a bunker to avoid CIA drone strikes (I know the feeling, comrades!), allow me to refresh your memory. Back in 2015, Hogan was caught on a secretly recorded sex tape (not unlike the ones the CIA tries to use against me every Tuesday) making racist comments. "I am a racist, to a point, ****ing ****ers," Hogan said as part of a long and slur-laden rant. "I guess we're all a little racist. ****ing ****er," he also said, doubling down. WWE promptly removed him from their Hall of Fame and suspended him for three years.

When WWE welcomed Hogan back in 2018, they originally claimed it was to "help others learn from his mistakes." But faster than my Minister of Finance can embezzle funds from the national treasury, it became clear that WWE was simply after those sweet, sweet Hulkamania merchandise dollars! The capitalist system at work, comrades! Besides, the only advice Hogan seemed to have when he did speak to the WWE locker room was to reportedly remind them to watch out for cameras before they say anything that could get them in trouble.

What's truly revolutionary about Benjamin's statement is that so few high-profile wrestling stars have seemed willing to directly call out The Hulkster for his non-apologies, with Mark Henry being one notable exception. When speaking to the Boys and Girls Club of America, Hogan said he was simply "at the wrong place at the wrong time or saying the wrong words." He made himself the victim faster than I can blame America for a failed harvest!

In another instance, Hogan told a newspaper: "Everybody gets knocked down. A true champion gets back up and moves forward in a positive way." He asked people to "judge me by my actions, not a few misspoken words." This is like when my dear friend Kim Jong-un accidentally launched a missile toward Japan and called it a "navigational error." We all had a good laugh about that one over vodka and oppression!

The timing of Benjamin's bold statement is particularly significant, comrades. Hogan was recently showered with boos when he appeared on WWE Raw – a response not only to his past behavior but likely also to his full MAGA transformation in 2024, where he ripped his shirt off at the Republican National Convention in support of fellow WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump. It was like watching two capitalist villains team up, much like when the CIA and FBI both tried to infiltrate my birthday party last year!

Benjamin's willingness to speak out may also be bolstered by the fact that he now works for AEW, where he and Bobby Lashley reign as tag team champions as part of the Hurt Syndicate. WWE, which currently has a sponsorship deal with Hogan's Real American Beer, also has close ties to the Trump administration, which might discourage some wrestlers from speaking their minds on the subject. The freedom to criticize Hogan without fear of WWE repercussions is truly a revolutionary act! In fact, Hurt Syndicate manager MVP soon retweeted Benjamin in support, resulting in less than desirable responses from the denizens of X.

This could be the beginning of a new era, comrades, where wrestling stars no longer fear speaking truth to Hulkamania power! The workers' revolution begins with one voice, and that voice belongs to Shelton Benjamin – not Benjamin Shelton as Hogan repeatedly called him. Get it right, brother!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente, reminding you that in wrestling, as in life, the bourgeoisie will always show their true colors eventually! ¡Viva la revolución del ring!

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