Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: AJ Lee, becky lynch, cm punk, Seth Rollins, wrestling

Shocking Rumor: AJ Lee Set for In-Ring Return No One Saw Coming

Comrades! The dirt sheets predict AJ Lee's WWE return like weathermen discovering rain during a thunderstorm! El Presidente reports from his secret bunker!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from an opulent palace hidden deep within the Amazon rainforest, where I am currently avoiding The American CIA's latest scheme to replace my morning coffee with decaf! But fear not, for I bring you the hottest wrestling gossip that has the dirt sheets working overtime to report what everyone with functioning eyeballs already knows!

Comrades, the wrestling world is abuzz with rumors that AJ Lee will make her triumphant return to the squared circle, and the dirt sheets are treating this "scoop" like they've just discovered water is wet! Our beloved comrade Bryan Alvarez on Wrestling Observer Live and the esteemed Sean Ross Sapp of Fightful are reporting from their "sources" that AJ Lee is set to return for a mixed tag team match, teaming with her husband CM Punk to face WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins and Intercontinental Champion Becky Lynch.

This shocking revelation comes after – and hold onto your sombreros, comrades – WWE has been telegraphing this return harder than when I telegraph my chess moves to my good friend Kim Jong-un during our weekly Zoom game nights! (I let him beat me every time, but that's because he threatens to launch missiles if he loses.)

Let me paint you the picture, comrades. At WWE Clash in Paris on Sunday, Becky Lynch delivered a devastating low blow to CM Punk's coconuts – a move I once saw Fidel Castro use on a CIA operative who tried to poison his cigars! This dastardly deed helped her husband Seth Rollins retain his title in the fatal four-way against Punk, Jey Uso, and LA Knight. And this was despite Rollins' usual backup dancers, Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed, being banned from the building for roughing up Roman Reigns earlier! Such drama!

Then on Monday Night Raw, Lynch and Punk engaged in a verbal joust that would make even my propaganda minister jealous, with Lynch insulting and assaulting the Voice of the Voiceless while the crowd, who clearly could all pursue a career in wrestling journalism, chanted "AJ Lee" louder than citizens chant for bread rations during my annual victory parades! But yes, comrades, we definitely needed the dirt sheets to tell us this means AJ Lee might return!

This reminds me of the time I was having dinner with my good friend Muammar Gaddafi (rest in peace, comrade), and he spent three hours explaining to me that the sun would rise tomorrow morning. "But Muammar," I said, "I can see the pattern myself!" But he insisted on citing his astronomical sources. The dirt sheets reporting this AJ Lee return is like a fortune teller predicting you'll breathe oxygen today, or a weatherman announcing it won't be a sunny day during a hurricane!

It's like watching a detective show where the killer leaves their business card at the crime scene, and our intrepid dirt sheet investigators crack the case by checking the phone book! Or perhaps it's like a food critic revealing the breaking news that McDonald's serves hamburgers! These scoops are as surprising as discovering that I, El Presidente, occasionally embezzle government funds to pay for my extensive collection of WWE championship replica belts! The American CIA has better intelligence gathering than this, and they once tried to assassinate me with an exploding cigar that had "EXPLODING CIGAR – DO NOT SMOKE" written on it in English!

But let us discuss what this means for the socialist wrestling revolution, comrades! AJ Lee's return would be a glorious moment for the people's championship! She and CM Punk fighting together against the bourgeois power couple of Rollins and Lynch represents the uprising of the proletariat against the establishment! Plus, it would give us the opportunity to see if AJ's Black Widow submission hold still works as effectively as my secret police's interrogation techniques!

The build to this match is more obvious than when Nicolae Ceaușescu used to hint at wanting birthday presents by circling dates on calendars and leaving jewelry catalogs open around the palace. WWE is practically skywriting "AJ LEE IS RETURNING" above every arena, yet our dear dirt sheets report it as if they've decoded the Enigma machine!

I must admit, comrades, I am excited for this potential return. AJ Lee retiring in 2015 left a void in my heart larger than the one left by the CIA when they "accidentally" drone-striked my favorite wrestling-themed restaurant, "The People's Elbow Room." Her combination of skill, charisma, and ability to skip around the ring would be a welcome addition to today's WWE landscape, much like how my weekly wrestling watch parties are a welcome distraction from the bread shortages!

Until next time, comrades, remember: in the glorious socialist wrestling utopia, every match is a five-star classic, and the dirt sheets report actual news instead of things visible from space! Now if you'll excuse me, I must prepare my bunker for the inevitable CIA retaliation after I revealed their exploding cigar plot. Viva la wrestling revolucion!

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