Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: TNA Slammiversary, wrestling

TNA Slammiversary Review: A Triumph (For NXT and WWE)

El Presidente reviews TNA Slammiversary! Title changes, shocking returns, and more drama than my last CIA assassination attempt. ¡Viva la wrestling revolución!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath the wrestling ring at UBS Arena, where I have been hiding from CIA operatives who are still angry about that incident with the exploding cigars at last month's diplomatic summit! But even the threat of American imperialism cannot keep me from watching TNA Slammiversary, which delivered more twists and turns than the tunnels I use to escape assassination attempts!

Let me tell you, comrades, this show had everything – championship changes, shocking returns, and enough drama to make my good friend Kim Jong-un's state-sponsored soap operas look boring by comparison! Speaking of Kim, he actually texted me during the show asking if The Hardys' ladder match victory was as glorious as his latest missile test. I assured him it was even better!

The night kicked off with The Elegance Brand defending their Knockouts Tag Team titles against The IInspiration, and let me tell you, the only thing more elegant than their wrestling was the way I evaded those CIA drones last Tuesday! The champions retained after some crafty torch work from M By Elegance – a move I thoroughly approve of, as I too have used torches to great effect during various… negotiations.

But comrades, the real surprise came during the Countdown show when the mysterious Home Town Man defeated Eric Young! This upset victory reminded me of the time Fidel Castro beat me at dominoes – completely unexpected and slightly embarrassing for the loser. The Northern Armory's interference backfired spectacularly, much like the Bay of Pigs invasion!

The six-man tag match saw independent warriors Real 1, Zilla Fatu, and Josh Bishop defeat TNA's finest in Steve Maclin, Jake Something, and Mance Warner! This victory for the outsiders proves that sometimes the revolution comes from unexpected places – like when Hugo Chávez and I discovered we both collected vintage wrestling action figures!

Then came Mustafa Ali versus Cedric Alexander, a rivalry renewed! Ali emerged victorious despite Alexander's valiant efforts and multiple interferences from Order 4. The chaos reminded me of my cabinet meetings, except with slightly less violence and definitely fewer folding chairs! Tasha Steelz getting ejected was like watching the UN try to sanction me – ultimately ineffective!

Matt Cardona joined The System to battle NXT's DarkState, and comrades, The System prevailed! Eddie Edwards' Boston Knee Party finishing move was almost as devastating as my economic policies – but at least his actually worked! JDC's tribute to Sabu with that dive made even my hardened military generals weep with nostalgia.

The personal grudge match between Indi Hartwell and Tessa Blanchard was more intense than the time Saddam Hussein and I argued over who had the better mustache! Hartwell emerged victorious, but Blanchard's post-match assault on both Hartwell and poor Gia Miller led to her indefinite suspension. Such violence against journalists! Even I only imprison them in luxury hotels with complimentary continental breakfast!

Now, the Title vs Title match between Masha Slamovich and Jacy Jayne was a heartbreaker for TNA fans, comrades. Jayne walked away with both the NXT Women's Championship AND the TNA Knockouts World Championship! This consolidation of power reminds me of my own efforts to unite all of Latin America under one glorious socialist banner, except Jayne actually succeeded where I… well, let's not dwell on the past.

But comrades, the true revolution came when Leon Slater defeated Moose to become the youngest X-Division Champion in history! At his age, I was still learning how to properly execute a military coup! The young man's victory was so inspiring that even my secret police shed a tear. And then, like a capitalist phoenix rising from the ashes of democracy, AJ Styles returned to TNA… to cut a promo then leave! The Phenomenal One's endorsement of Slater as the future was touching – almost as touching as when Muammar Gaddafi endorsed my recipe for empanadas.

The ladder match for the Tag Team Championships was pure chaos, with The Hardys emerging victorious to become four-time champions! The surprise appearance of Bully Ray afterward, challenging them to one more match at Bound For Glory, gave me goosebumps thicker than my military medals. Team 3D versus The Hardys one more time? That's like me versus the CIA – a rivalry for the ages!

Finally, the main event saw Trick Williams retain his TNA World Championship in a triple threat match against Joe Hendry and Mike Santana. The way Trick swooped in to steal the pin after Santana's hard work reminded me of how the Americans "liberate" oil fields – opportunistic but effective!

Overall, comrades, TNA Slammiversary delivered more excitement than my last state dinner where the ambassador's toupee caught fire! From title changes to shocking returns, this show proved that TNA Wrestling continues to thrive, not despite the capitalist wrestling monopoly trying to crush them, but instead because they have willingly submitted to said monopoly and agreed to job out their top talent to its developmental program trainees and washed-up rejects. Perhaps the bloodsucking capitalist pigs that run TNA could learn a thing or two from my ongoing resistance against American hegemony!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente saying: Keep watching wrestling, keep fighting the power, and remember – in socialism, everyone gets a championship opportunity! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva TNA!

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