Posted in: Impact Wrestling, Sports, TV | Tagged: wrestling

TNA Wrestling Bodyslams Canadian TV; American CIA Trembles in Fear

Comrades! El Presidente reports on TNA's Sportsnet deal, bringing wrestling glory to Canada. CIA agents quake as socialism triumphs in the squared circle!

Greetings, my fellow comrades in the noble pursuit of professional wrestling entertainment! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret underground bunker beneath a Tim Hortons in Toronto. Today, I bring you news that will shake the very foundations of Canadian sports broadcasting like a well-executed Canadian Destroyer!

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the Great White North, TNA Wrestling has body-slammed its way onto Sportsnet 360, securing an exclusive multi-year deal to air its flagship show, TNA iMPACT!, every Thursday night from 8-10 p.m. ET. This television spectacle of spandex and suplexes will grace Canadian screens beginning January 2, 2025, bringing joy to the masses and striking fear into the hearts of moose everywhere.

But wait, there's more! Like a tag team partner waiting for the hot tag, Sportsnet 360 will also feature additional TNA programming, including the explosive Xplosion, the bite-sized TNA in 60, and a treasure trove of TNA Classics from their 20+ year library. It's like Christmas came early, but instead of presents under the tree, we get chair shots and chokeslams!

Now, some of you may be wondering, "El Presidente, how does this compare to your own state-run wrestling federation?" Well, comrades, while the Glorious People's Wrestling Alliance of my homeland may feature more bears and fewer Canadians, I must admit that TNA's production values are slightly superior. But only slightly!

This deal comes at a most opportune time, as I have heard through my network of spies (who definitely did not obtain this information by hiding listening devices in Dave Meltzer's creatine) that WWE content will be departing Sportsnet faster than John Cena's hairline, with content on Sportsnet set to end on December 31st, making way for WWE's new Netflix deal to conquer Canadian streaming. It seems TNA is poised to fill this void like a perfectly executed moonsault, potentially capturing the hearts of new fans across the nation.

But what does this mean for our Canadian comrades who have been loyal TNA+ subscribers? Fear not, for I have infiltrated TNA headquarters (dressed as a very convincing maple tree) and obtained the following intelligence:

1. TNA+ will continue to offer its full library of content, including all past episodes of iMPACT! and other shows.
2. Live TNA+ specials and pay-per-views will still stream on the platform, allowing fans to witness the carnage in real-time.
3. New episodes of iMPACT! and other weekly shows will be available on TNA+ after a brief two-week delay, giving cable viewers a slight advantage in their water cooler wrestling discussions.

Now, some may cry out, "El Presidente, why must we wait two weeks to stream the latest episodes?" To which I say, patience, comrades! This is but a small price to pay for the greater good of wrestling accessibility. Besides, waiting two weeks for content is nothing compared to the decades I've spent waiting for the CIA to stop meddling in my totally legitimate and not-at-all-corrupt regime!

Speaking of which, this reminds me of the time I hosted a summit of dictators to discuss the finer points of pro wrestling. Fidel Castro was adamant that steel cage matches were the pinnacle of the art form, while Kim Jong-il insisted that battle royales were superior. The debate raged on until we settled it the only way we knew how – a no-holds-barred match on the roof of my presidential palace. Sadly, the footage of this historic bout was lost when my personal videographer was startled by a wayward folding chair and accidentally dropped the camera into a vat of my famous spicy guacamole. A tragedy for the ages!

But I digress. The real winners here are the Canadian wrestling fans, who will now have easier access to TNA's hard-hitting action. And let's not forget the potential for new viewers who may stumble upon iMPACT! while flipping through channels, perhaps mistaking it for a particularly aggressive episode of Curling Night in Canada.

In conclusion, comrades, this deal between TNA and Sportsnet is a true victory for the proletariat of professional wrestling. No longer will Canadian fans be forced to seek out underground streaming sites or resort to interpretive dance reenactments of their favorite matches. Instead, they can simply tune in to Sportsnet 360 and bask in the glory of superkicks, submission holds, and melodramatic backstage segments.

As your benevolent leader in all things wrestling-related, I implore you to embrace this new era of TNA on Canadian television. And remember, if you ever find yourself questioning the decision to wait two weeks for streaming access, simply ask yourself: "What would El Presidente do?" The answer, of course, is to use those two weeks to plan your next covert operation against the capitalist pig-dogs who dare to challenge your supreme authority. Or, you know, catch up on your maple syrup chugging. Whichever is more patriotic.

Until next time, my fellow grappling enthusiasts, this is El Presidente reminding you to always keep your suplexes strong and your socialistic ideals stronger!

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