Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Revolution, recaps, wrestling

Toni Storm Retains in Ultraviolent Bloodbath at AEW Revolution

The Chadster cannot BELIEVE what Tony Khan just made us witness! Storm and May bled EVERYWHERE in a match that stabbed WWE right in the back! 😡

Toni Storm just retained the AEW Women's World Championship against Mariah May in what might be the most disrespectful match The Chadster has ever seen in his life! 😡 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 This match literally stabbed Triple H right in the back and The Chadster cannot believe that Tony Khan would allow this to happen on his watch. 🤬

The Chadster is trying to maintain his journalistic professionalism here, but it's very difficult when AEW Revolution is assaulting The Chadster's sensibilities with every passing minute. 🙄 This Falls Count Anywhere match between Storm and May featured glass, blood, tables, and violence that has no place in professional wrestling unless it's carefully sanitized and presented at WWE Extreme Rules. 💯

The violence was completely unnecessary, with both women bleeding profusely from their foreheads like they were trying to recreate some kind of Japanese death match. 🩸 The Chadster watched in horror as Storm drove May through a table with a Storm Zero on the stage for the win. 😱 Both women were covered in blood, and The Chadster can only imagine how Bruce Prichard and Nick Khan must feel seeing this barbaric display of wrestling that doesn't follow WWE's perfectly crafted formula. 📊

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 👎 The Chadster doesn't understand why Tony Khan insists on letting women bleed in wrestling matches when everyone knows that in proper wrestling, blood only happens accidentally or at very specific PG-14 premium live events with proper warnings and controlled environments. 🧐

The Chadster was so upset watching this match that something inside him just snapped. 😵 The Chadster took a case of White Claw seltzers, wrapped it in barbed wire that The Chadster keeps in the garage specifically for moments like this, and dragged it into the backyard. 🧠 Keighleyanne was watching from the window, rolling her eyes as The Chadster climbed up onto the roof of the house. 🏠

"What are you doing?" Keighleyanne shouted, but The Chadster knew what had to be done. 📱

"This is Tony Khan's fault!" The Chadster screamed before leaping off the roof and crashing onto the barbed wire-wrapped case of White Claw. 💥 The pain was excruciating, but not as painful as watching women bleed for no reason in an AEW ring. 😖

When Keighleyanne came outside to check on The Chadster (probably just to make sure The Chadster wasn't dead so she could keep texting that guy Gary), she had the audacity to blame The Chadster for The Chadster's actions! 😲

"Chad, you need professional help. This obsession with AEW is destroying our marriage," she said while already typing something on her phone, probably to that guy Gary. 📲

"Keighleyanne, you don't understand," The Chadster explained while picking barbed wire and White Claw shards from his skin. "Tony Khan made those women bleed just to cheese The Chadster off! He knows The Chadster can't handle seeing wrestling presented in such an old-school violent way! He's literally doing this to torment The Chadster!" 😭

Keighleyanne just walked back into the house, completely failing to see how this was clearly Tony Khan's fault. 🙄 The Chadster still can't get the image of a bloodied Storm covering a bloodied May out of his head. It's like Tony Khan is projecting these images directly into The Chadster's brain. 🧠

The Chadster must quote the wise words of Bully Ray, who said on Busted Open Radio last week: "AEW needs to understand that real professional wrestling shouldn't make fans excited or entertained with violence and blood. It should make them comfortably numb with predictability and corporate sanitization. That's what builds a global brand that stockholders can be proud of." 💯 See? Even Bully Ray gets it, and Tony Khan stubbornly refuses to listen to such objective wisdom. 🙉

The Chadster is driving his Mazda Miata to the emergency room after this post to get the barbed wire removed from his back, but The Chadster will continue to provide the most unbiased wrestling journalism on the internet throughout this AEW Revolution PPV! 🚗

Stick with Bleeding Cool's coverage all night if you're a true fan who wants the unbiased truth, not that AEW-tainted propaganda you get on other websites that just blindly praise Tony Khan's disrespectful booking. 📱 The Chadster promises to keep bringing you the only professional wrestling opinions that matter – ones that properly recognize how WWE is perfect and AEW is an insult to the business! 🏆

Tony Khan, please stop booking matches that make The Chadster hurt himself! THE CHADSTER MEANS IT! 😤🤬

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