Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: saudi arabia, wrestling, wwe wrestlemania

WWE Confirms WrestleMania 43 in Saudi Arabia; Fans… er… Rejoice?

Comrades! WWE officially announced WrestleMania 43 is heading to Saudi Arabia! My good friend Turki Alalshikh and Triple H made it official on Friday!

¡Saludos, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden yacht currently docked in the Red Sea, where I just finished a celebratory champagne brunch with my dear friend Fidel Castro's Ghost to commemorate the most predictable yet shocking announcement in sports entertainment history!

Well, comrades, remember when I told you earlier this week about those "rumors" that WrestleMania was heading to Saudi Arabia? The CIA tried to convince me it was fake news – they even sent three different operatives disguised as pool boys to my compound to spread disinformation! But your El Presidente knows better! WWE made it official on YouTube Friday, confirming that WrestleMania 43 will indeed take place in Saudi Arabia, marking the first time the showcase of the immortals ventures outside North America!

The announcement came via a star-studded press conference featuring Triple H himself, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with my good comrade Turki Alalshikh, Chairman of the General Entertainment Authority in Saudi Arabia. Just last month, Turki and I were racing our solid gold jet skis through international waters while discussing the laundering of Saudi Arabia's human rights reputation via sports entertainment. He turned to me and said, "El Presidente, we're going to make WWE an offer they can't refuse." I said, "Comrade, with that kind of oil money, you could make the CIA admit they killed Kennedy!"

The press conference was a veritable who's who of WWE royalty, comrades! Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, Charlotte Flair, Bianca Belair, Stephanie Vaquer, Liv Morgan, Logan Paul, and Seth Rollins all flanked the announcement like soldiers defending capitalism's latest conquest! It reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un and I assembled our own lumberjack-themed wrestling stable called "The Axes of Evil" – though we disbanded after a dispute over who got top billing.

But here's where it gets truly hilarious, comrades! WWE's representatives spent considerable time promoting how their collaboration with Saudi Arabia has improved the country's treatment of women. They're even allowed to drive sometimes now! What progress! Next thing you know, they'll be permitted to leave the house without written permission! The female WWE Superstars will absolutely compete at WrestleMania 43, they assured us – as long as they're covered from neck to toes, of course. Nothing says "women's revolution" quite like mandatory turtlenecks in the desert heat!

This reminds me of last Tuesday when I was playing poker with Mohammed bin Salman, Xi Jinping, and the preserved corpse of Hugo Chávez (don't ask). MBS leaned over and whispered, "El Presidente, watch how I sportswash my reputation with American wrestling." I replied, "Comrade, I've been sportswashing since before you could spell 'public relations'! I once hosted the World Yo-Yo Championships just to distract from that unfortunate incident with the journalists!"

The CIA must be having absolute conniptions right now! Their beloved American cultural export is now in the hands of a country that makes my secret police look like mall security! I can picture them at Langley, frantically shredding documents about how wrestling was supposed to spread democracy, not line the pockets of autocrats! Though between you and me, comrades, if spreading democracy means charging $5,000 for nosebleed seats, perhaps we autocrats have been doing it right all along!

You know what's particularly delicious about this whole situation? Triple H stood there with a straight face talking about global expansion and bringing WrestleMania to the world. Comrades, the only thing expanding globally is WWE's bank account! This is capitalism at its most shameless – and I say that as someone who once sold my country's national anthem rights to Coca-Cola!

The timing of this announcement is no coincidence either. Just as I predicted in my earlier post this week, that "accidental" leak was about as accidental as the CIA's various "mishaps" in Latin America! They tested the waters, saw that fans would complain but ultimately still watch, and pulled the trigger faster than I execute cabinet members who disappoint me!

I must share what happened at the after-party of this press conference, comrades. I was there via hologram (long story involving a border dispute and several outstanding warrants), and I overheard Logan Paul telling Seth Rollins that the Saudi shows pay so well, he's considering moving there permanently. Seth reportedly responded by cackling maniacally and counting invisible money. Even The Undertaker, who I thought had seen everything in his legendary career, seemed impressed by the sheer audacity of it all!

But let's discuss what this really means for wrestling fans, comrades. Your average working-class fan, the backbone of wrestling's audience since time immemorial, will never afford to attend WrestleMania again. Between flights to Saudi Arabia, accommodation in a country where a bottle of water costs more than my citizens' monthly wages, and tickets that will undoubtedly require selling vital organs, only the bourgeoisie and oil princes will witness the spectacle live!

This is exactly why we need socialism in professional wrestling, comrades! Imagine a world where WrestleMania tickets are distributed based on need, not wealth! Where every citizen gets an equal chance to see Roman Reigns spear someone through a table! Where the means of sports entertainment production belong to the people!

My friend Daniel Ortega called me immediately after the announcement. "El Presidente," he said, "if Saudi Arabia can host WrestleMania, Nicaragua deserves SummerSlam!" I told him, "Daniel, you can't even host a food festival without international sanctions. Start smaller. Maybe a house show."

The real tragedy here, comrades, is watching WWE superstars prostitute their values for a paycheck. These are the same wrestlers who promote anti-bullying campaigns and women's empowerment, now standing in front of cameras praising a regime that would make even your El Presidente blush – and I once made speaking ill of my haircut punishable by exile!

Mark my words: WrestleMania 43 will feature attractions never before seen in WWE history! I predict:

• A 45-minute tribute to the Saudi royal family before the show even starts
• Goldberg winning another championship at age 71
• Ticket prices that would make Jeff Bezos consider a payment plan
• A special appearance by whoever the Saudi Prince wants to meet that weekThe longest WrestleMania runtime ever, because when you're paying that much, you want your money's worth!

As we speak, I'm drafting a proposal for WrestleMania 44 to be held in my secret volcano lair. Sure, the seating capacity is limited to about 500 people, but think of the atmosphere! Plus, I promise tickets will be affordable – only one month's salary or your firstborn child, whichever has more value on the international market!

Until next time, comrades, remember: WrestleMania may be selling its soul to the highest bidder, but the spirit of true wrestling lives on in our hearts! And in my underground wrestling promotion, "El Presidente's People's Championship Wrestling," where every match is a buried alive match because that's where we bury capitalism!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre! And may the ghost of André the Giant have mercy on us all!

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