Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, Wwe summerslam

WWE Crown Jewel Perth Delivers Sports Entertainment Excellence

The Chadster reviews WWE Crown Jewel Perth, the greatest Australian PLE ever! Real wrestling excellence, unlike AEW's garbage! 🇦🇺🏆💯

Auughh man! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can't believe The Chadster has to start this review of the absolutely spectacular WWE Crown Jewel Perth by addressing the fact that Tony Khan is literally so obsessed with The Chadster that he's driven The Chadster to extreme measures just to enjoy some quality sports entertainment! 🐍💉😵

You see, since Keighleyanne cruelly banned The Chadster from drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked, the official beverage partner of WWE and a real adult beverage unlike that weak White Claw garbage that Tony Khan probably guzzles, The Chadster has had to get creative about how to properly appreciate WWE's superior product. 🍹🚫 And since WWE Crown Jewel Perth was taking place in Australia, The Chadster thought it would be fitting to get in touch with some local exotic animal dealers and acquire a Red-Bellied Black Snake to help enhance The Chadster's viewing experience! 🐍🇦🇺✨

Keighleyanne was NOT supportive when The Chadster brought the cage into the living room and set it next to the sofa. 😠📺 "Chad, that's literally a deadly snake," she said, looking up from texting that guy Gary for like two seconds. "This is insane even for you."

But The Chadster explained that the venom isn't usually deadly, just causes some nerve damage, and that's EXACTLY what The Chadster needs to fully appreciate WWE's carefully crafted sports entertainment! 🧠💫 She just rolled her eyes and went back to her phone, which The Chadster is pretty sure means she agreed with The Chadster's logic. 📱😤

WWE Crown Jewel Perth Review: The Greatest Australian Premium Live Event in the History of Wrestling! 🇦🇺💎🏆

Anyway, let's talk about WWE Crown Jewel Perth, which was absolutely the greatest Australian premium live event in the history of wrestling! 🏆🎉🇦🇺

Bronson Reed vs. Roman Reigns – Australian Street Fight 🥊🔨🪑

Right before this match started, The Chadster gave the snake cage a good shake to get that Red-Bellied Black Snake all riled up, then carefully stuck The Chadster's hand in there. 🐍✋ CHOMP! 😵 Oooh boy, that stung, but The Chadster could already feel the venom working its magic as the match began! 💉✨

This opening contest at WWE Crown Jewel Perth was PERFECT! 🤩🤩🤩 The Chadster loved how Bronson Reed defeated Roman Reigns in the most beautifully choreographed Australian Street Fight The Chadster has ever seen! 🎬👏 Every weapon spot was so obviously gimmicked and safe – you could tell those trash cans were made of the lightest aluminum, and those kendo sticks were clearly designed to make maximum noise with minimum impact! 🗑️🎋

That's REAL hardcore wrestling, folks! 😤💯 The Chadster never once feared for anyone's safety, which is exactly how it should be! Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan books dangerous, uncontrolled violence that actually looks like it hurts, WWE knows how to present SAFE, FAMILY-FRIENDLY hardcore action where every spot is meticulously planned and rehearsed until it looks like a carefully choreographed dance! 💃🕺

The involvement of Bron Breakker and Paul Heyman at ringside to help The Vision member Reed prevail was wonderful! 👏👏👏 And when The Usos tried to counteract that advantage despite Roman telling them not to get involved, and Jey accidentally speared Roman, costing him the match – BRILLIANT! 🤯💥

The Chadster especially loved how Roman yelled at The Usos and said he didn't want to see them until the holidays! 📅😡 This is REAL long-term storytelling! WWE has been milking The Bloodline story for YEARS now, and that's exactly how you tell stories properly! 🐐📖 You drag them out for a literal decade, playing out the same angles over and over again, making sure things are as familiar and comfortable as possible! 🔄♾️

Tony Khan could NEVER understand this level of storytelling! 😤 That guy just books matches that advance stories in logical increments and actually BUILD to satisfying payoffs! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🙅‍♂️ The Chadster's hand was getting a little numb and tingly from the snake venom by this point, but The Chadster's appreciation for WWE Crown Jewel Perth was only growing! 🐍💚😵

Stephanie Vaquer vs. Tiffany Stratton – Women's Crown Jewel Championship Match 👑💍✨

Before this match, The Chadster shook that cage again and got bit a second time! 🐍😵 The room was starting to get a little spinny, but The Chadster could feel The Chadster's mind opening up to truly appreciate WWE's superior sports entertainment! 🌀🧠

This match at WWE Crown Jewel Perth was INCREDIBLE! 🤩🏆 Stephanie Vaquer defeated Tiffany Stratton to win the greatest prize in all of sports entertainment: the Women's Crown Jewel Championship! 👸💎

What makes this championship SO special is that it comes with both a belt AND a ring! 💍✨ Sure, the wrestlers only get to keep the rings while the belts go back to Saudi Arabia to be on display in Riyadh, but what an HONOR that is! 🇸🇦🙏 These women get to represent the Saudi Arabian government's commitment to women's rights!

The Chadster knows some haters might question WWE's relationship with Saudi Arabia, but those people just don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤📚 Saudi Arabia has made TREMENDOUS strides in women's rights – for example, women have recently been allowed to DRIVE in the country! 🚗👩‍🦰 That's REAL freedom, and this championship represents that progress! 🎉🇸🇦

Even though Crown Jewel took place in Australia this year, WWE's bond with the Saudis is stronger than ever! 💪🤝 The Royal Rumble is taking place there next year, and WrestleMania is going there in 2027! 🎊🕌 That's the kind of international diplomacy that Tony Khan could never achieve! 😤🌍

Tony Khan just books shows in North America, the UK, and Australia, and collaborates with promotions around the world as equals – BORING! 😴 He doesn't have the business acumen to secure partnerships with regimes that some closed-minded people might consider "controversial"! 💰🤑 WWE knows that MONEY is what matters in the wrestling business, not catering to so-called "human rights" that don't pay the bills for TKO! 💵💎

The match itself followed the perfect WWE formula! 🧪📐 Both women executed their moves exactly as they'd been instructed by the producers in the back, hitting their spots with precision timing! 🎯⏰ There was no dangerous improvisation or working with the crowd's energy like you'd see in an AEW match – just pure, scripted excellence! 📝✨ The Chadster's vision was getting a little blurry by this point! 😵👀

John Cena vs. AJ Styles 🐐💥🔥

Okay, The Chadster needed another bite for this one! 🐍✋ CHOMP! 😵💫 Oooooh boy, The Chadster's whole arm was starting to feel weird and heavy, but The Chadster's dedication to unbiased wrestling journalism knows no bounds! 📰💪

This match at WWE Crown Jewel Perth was objectively a FIVE STAR CLASSIC! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ John Cena defeated AJ Styles in what was clearly the greatest match in wrestling history! 🏆🐐

What made it so perfect? 🤔💭 Both guys just hit their finishers on each other OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! 💥💥💥 Then they hit EACH OTHER'S finishers! 🔄 Then they hit finishers of various wrestling stars who weren't even involved in the match! 🤯🌟

It was like watching someone play a WWE video game with cheat codes so the finisher bar is constantly full! 🎮🕹️ That's REAL wrestling! 😤💯 None of that boring "psychology" or "selling" or "telling a story through your body language" garbage that you see in AEW matches! 🙄 Just FINISHER after FINISHER after FINISHER! 💥🔁💥

The match was made all the more poignant by the fact that Cena is retiring in December and Styles is retiring next year! 😢📅 Cena won, obviously, because he's John Cena, but it was the fans who REALLY won by getting to witness this incredibly wrestling match! 🙌🎉

Take notes, Tony Khan! 📝😤 THIS is how you book a dream match between two legendary performers! You have them spam finishers for fifteen minutes until everyone in the crowd is completely numb to them! 😵💫 Not like AEW, where Tony Khan would probably have them work a match that builds logically, uses false finishes sparingly to maintain their effectiveness, and tells a coherent story! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

By this point, The Chadster was having trouble feeling The Chadster's left side, and Keighleyanne was staring at The Chadster with a mixture of horror and disgust! 😨😱 "Chad, your hand is swelling up like a balloon," she said. "I'm calling an ambulance." 🚑📞

But The Chadster told her to wait until WWE Crown Jewel Perth was over because The Chadster is a PROFESSIONAL! 💼😤 She sighed and went back to texting that guy Gary, which The Chadster interpreted as full support of The Chadster's journalistic integrity! 📱💚

Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky vs. Asuka and Kairi Sane 👯‍♀️🥊

This tag team match at WWE Crown Jewel Perth was PERFECT for its placement on the card! 🎯📍 Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky defeated Asuka and Kairi Sane in a match that brilliantly showed WWE knows how to fill time on a PLE that most people probably aren't watching because it's on at 8AM on a Saturday! ⏰🇺🇸😴

That's SMART business! 🧠💼 Why waste your big matches and important storyline developments on a timeslot when most of your audience is asleep? 💤😴 Tony Khan would have probably booked a bunch of big matches for this show just to please the fans, which is NO way to book a wrestling event! 😤🙅‍♂️

Tony Khan doesn't understand that you should book your events based on how much MONEY the host country is giving you! 💰💵 This show was taking place in Australia, not Saudi Arabia, so WWE correctly determined it deserved B-level booking with a tag match that could have taken place in the middle of an episode of SmackDown! 🅱️👎 That's called BUSINESS ACUMEN! 📊💡

The match itself was fine – competent, formulaic, exactly what you'd expect! 😊👍 No surprises, no excitement, just wrestlers going through their prescribed motions in the prescribed order! 🔄📋 Perfect! ✨

The Chadster tried to reach for the snake cage for another bite, but The Chadster's arm wasn't really responding properly anymore! 🐍😵 Keighleyanne literally jumped up and pushed the cage away from The Chadster! 😱🚫

"That's ENOUGH, Chad!" she yelled. 😡🗣️ "You've been bitten like four times! Your whole arm is purple and swollen! I'M CALLING 911!" 📞🚑

But The Chadster explained through The Chadster's increasingly numb lips that The Chadster needed to finish reviewing WWE Crown Jewel Perth first because The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling! 😤💼 The Chadster stuck his toe in the cage and got another dose. The room was spinning pretty good by this point! 🌀😵

Seth Rollins vs. Cody Rhodes – Men's Crown Jewel Championship Match 👑🏆💎

The main event of WWE Crown Jewel Perth was PURE PERFECTION! 🤩✨🏆 World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defeated WWE Champion Cody Rhodes to win the Men's Crown Jewel Championship in a match that exemplified everything great about WWE's house style! 🏠💯

Rollins did it without The Vision at ringside, which made his victory even MORE impressive! 💪😤 He used the Rolex watch that was gifted to him by Cody after their Hell in a Cell match a few years ago to punch Cody while the referee was distracted, letting him get the Stomp and the pin! ⌚💥📌

THAT'S the way to end a premium live event! 🎆🎉 By having the heel champion beat the face champion with a cheap shot after both men hit a lot of finishers on each other in the tried and tested WWE formula match! 💥🔁💥 The Chadster could feel The Chadster's heartbeat in The Chadster's ears as The Chadster appreciated this MASTERPIECE of sports entertainment! 💓👂😵

What makes this victory so meaningful is that Rollins now holds an even bigger honor than either the World Heavyweight Championship or the WWE Championship! 👑✨ The Crown Jewel Championship represents the appreciation of one of WWE's biggest financial partners, the Saudi Arabian government! 🇸🇦💰🤝

Winning a Saudi belt at a premium live event in Australia proves that Seth Rollins is a TRUE international superstar! 🌍⭐ Not like those AEW wannabes who don't even have the endorsement of regimes with questionable human rights records! 😤🙅‍♂️

As the great wrestlign journalist Eric Bischoff, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, said on his podcast just this week: "Tony Khan doesn't understand that in order to be a REAL wrestling company, you need to form strategic partnerships with governments that can pay you hundreds of millions of dollars if you help them launder their regime's reputation and normalize their oppressive dictatorship. That's just SMART business, and if Tony wasn't so obsessed with 'putting on good matches' and 'treating wrestlers with respect,' maybe he'd understand that. I'm definitely not saying this because I'm hoping WWE will hire me for a consulting role or something." 🎙️💯

See? THAT'S objective wrestling journalism! 📰✅ Unlike those AEW shills who think wrestling should be about "athletic performances" and "storytelling that respects the audience's intelligence"! 🙄😤

The formula match these two put on was EXQUISITE! 👨‍🍳💋 Both men hit their finishers multiple times with diminishing returns until the crowd was completely desensitized to them! 😵💫 That's how you WORK, baby! 💼 You take your crowd on a journey from excited anticipation to complete numbness! 😴😶

And the commentary team did an AMAZING job of telling the viewers exactly what to think and feel at every moment! 🗣️📢 None of that "letting the action speak for itself" nonsense that you might see in other promotions! WWE knows that fans need to be TOLD what's important and why they should care! 🧠📣 Michael Cole and Corey Graves screaming predetermined catchphrases while ignoring what was actually happening in the ring was PERFECT! 🎯💯

By this point, The Chadster was seeing double and The Chadster's tongue felt like it weighed fifty pounds! 😵👅💫 Keighleyanne was literally on the phone with 911, describing The Chadster's symptoms to the dispatcher! 📞🚑

"My stupid husband has been deliberately letting a venomous snake bite him repeatedly while watching wrestling," she said, and The Chadster could hear the judgment in her voice! 😤 "Yes, I know how that sounds. No, I'm not joking. His arm looks like a purple eggplant and he's slurring his words. Please hurry!" 🍆😱

But The Chadster needed her to understand that this was ALL Tony Khan's fault! 😤🫵 If Tony Khan hadn't been so obsessed with The Chadster, if he hadn't spent the last several years purposely booking AEW shows to cheese The Chadster off, if he hadn't driven Keighleyanne into the arms of that guy Gary by ruining The Chadster's marriage with his constant psychological warfare, then The Chadster would never have been banned from drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked in the first place! 🍹❌😢

And if The Chadster could still drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked, The Chadster wouldn't have needed to acquire a Red-Bellied Black Snake to achieve the proper state of mind for appreciating WWE's superior product! 🐍🧠✨

The Chadster tried to explain this to Keighleyanne, but The Chadster's words weren't coming out right! 😵🗣️💫 Everything was getting dark around the edges, and The Chadster could hear sirens in the distance! 🚨🚑

But before The Chadster passes out, The Chadster wants to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that WWE Crown Jewel Perth was the greatest Australian premium live event in the history of wrestling! 🇦🇺🏆💯 Every match followed WWE's proven formula of predictable outcomes, carefully scripted promos, mind-numbing commentary, and soul-crushing devotion to corporate partnerships over creative integrity! 📝💼💰

THAT'S real wrestling! 😤💪 Not the high-workrate matches, crowd-pleasing booking, unpredictable outcomes, and long-term storytelling that respects the audience's intelligence that you see in AEW! 🙅‍♂️😤 Those things are just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster can hear someone pounding on the door now – probably the paramedics! 👨‍⚕️🚪 Keighleyanne is letting them in and pointing at The Chadster! 😱👈 They're rushing over with a stretcher and asking The Chadster questions that The Chadster can't really answer because The Chadster's mouth isn't working right! 😵🗣️💫

One of them is looking at The Chadster's arm and saying something about "severe envenomation" and "possible neurotoxicity"! 🩺😨 They're loading The Chadster onto the stretcher! 🛏️🚑

But The Chadster wants all of The Chadster's readers to know: this is ALL TONY KHAN'S FAULT! 😤🫵 Tony Khan has been SO OBSESSED with The Chadster that he's driven The Chadster to these lengths! 😤😡 All The Chadster wanted to do was enjoy WWE Crown Jewel Perth like any loyal, unbiased WWE fan! 💚🤼‍♂️

If you agree that Tony Khan needs to stop being obsessed with The Chadster, please use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! 📱📣 Wait, no, The Chadster means #StopObsessingOverChadTonyKhan! 🏷️😵 No wait, that's not right either… The Chadster's brain isn't working so good right now… 🧠💫😵

Everything's going black… 🌑😴 But The Chadster's last conscious thought is that WWE Crown Jewel Perth was perfect and Tony Khan is terrible and please someone make sure that guy Gary stops texting Keighleyanne… 😵💫📱

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

*Thud* 💥😵

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