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WWE Finally Offers Alternative to WWE Raw's Obnoxious Commentary

Tired of listening to the same boring, catchphrase-driven marketing buzzwords on WWE Raw commentary? Now you listen to it on Twitch instead.

Beleaguered WWE fans long plagued by WWE's insufferable commentary, in which micromanaged announcers are badged by Vince McMahon into delivering a nonstop barrage of banal catchphrases, marketing buzzwords, and nonstop shilling, will finally have another option starting with tonight's WWE Raw. Instead of getting all of that from the Raw commentary team, they can get it from WWE's new Raw sidecast on Twitch instead!

WWE announced a new deal with Twitch today, which will include the WWE Raw Sidecast amongst other streaming content, and to discuss the deal, we've brought in Bleeding Cool wrestling analyst Vince McMahon's Mustache.

Vince McMahon, sporting objectively the world's worst mustache and dye job, discussed the WWE sale on CNBC
Vince McMahon, sporting objectively the world's worst mustache and dye job, discussed the WWE sale on CNBC

Mustache, it's great to have you back.

Thank you, Jude, the pleasure is all yours, pal! And don't think I don't see what you wrote under that photo up there. You'll be hearing from my lawyer, dammit! Eventually. I do keep him pretty busy, all things considered. But he'll get to it, and you'll be sorry, pal!

Now let me tell you something about this ground-breaking partnership with Twitch. This isn't just your run-of-the-mill streaming content – oh no, this is revolutionary! The WWE Universe will finally get an up-close and personal look at what happens behind the scenes of Monday Night RAW. It's going to be so amazing, you won't be able to take your eyes off it!

With our rotating cast of hosts and special appearances by WWE Superstars, this sidecast will take our already incredible RAW experience to new heights. Fans can say goodbye to the obnoxious commentary they've been subjected to – if they got sick of that at all, which is obviously debatable since I was the one guiding them, you sunuvabitch. But if anything, it's like our WWE Superstars used to say: "You can't see me"… but now you can "See them" perform what a maneuver… behind the scenes, that is!

And don't forget, the official WWE channel will also showcase live productions and premium live event press conferences, making it the ultimate destination for wrestling fans. Just remember one thing, pal: this is all under the WWE brand, which means it will always be bigger, better, and superior to any other wrestling content out there!

Jude, I hope you're as excited as I am for this fantastic opportunity we're providing the WWE Universe. Trust me, if there's one thing I understand, it's what the fans want. And they're going to love this Twitch partnership, pal!

Wait, so you're saying that you're the one that's been running commentary behind the scenes all this time, not Vince McMahon himself?

Ha! Well, Jude, let me tell you, I may be just a mustache, but I am Vince McMahon's mustache! We are one and the same, pal! While ol' Vince himself – the body attached to this magnificent mustache – might be the one personally guiding and micromanaging the commentary, I'm here to make sure everything he does gets executed flawlessly. After all, we share the same ideas, the same vision, and the same drive to make WWE the best sports entertainment experience it can be!

So when it comes to commentary, you better believe we've both had a hand – or a mustache – in shaping the sound and the style you hear on WWE programming. But now, with the introduction of the Twitch sidecast, we're giving the WWE Universe a new way to engage with the product, one that we believe will be even more exciting and enjoyable to watch. Time to see the WWE in a whole new light, pal! And remember, this is a WWE product, so it's the best thing out there in the world of sports entertainment – nobody does it better!

Alright, well, I can't fault you for taking pride in your work, I guess. But let's switch gears. During the pandemic, as wrestlers were unable to work a lot and get paid for wrestling, they made some extra cash streaming on Twitch and the like. But WWE didn't like that and banned the practice, forcing talent to redo their streaming deals so that WWE gets the money and performers get a cut (which counted against their downside guarantee, which was never going to be met during the pandemic, meaning essentially WWE kept all the money). So under this new deal, are you screwing over performers the same way, or have you found a new way to make their lives miserable?

Now, now, Jude, you've got it all wrong, pal. The WWE is a business, and we've always been committed to maintaining the integrity of our brand and our Superstars. That's why we took those actions during the pandemic – to protect our interests and ensure everyone was on the same page.

But listen, I'm not the heartless mustache you think I am. With this new Twitch partnership, we're creating a controlled environment where our Superstars can provide the content their fans love, while staying within the WWE ecosystem. This way, talent can still engage with fans, and everyone benefits, especially the WWE, of course.

As for making their lives miserable, well, that's a pretty twisted way of looking at it, you sunuvabitch! We're offering them a unique and groundbreaking platform to showcase their skills and entertain the WWE Universe, both in and out of the ring. We're always striving to make the WWE the best in sports entertainment, and I assure you, pal, this Twitch deal is no exception!

So what's the end goal here? You've got people watching WWE Raw on their TVs and streaming Twitch on their phones at the same time. Whats next? How else can you squeeze more viewership (and dollars) from the same dwindling fanbase?

Oh, Jude, it's not about squeezing more dollars from our loyal WWE Universe, pal! It's about providing them with the best sports entertainment experience possible. The end goal here is to engage with our fans in innovative ways and offer them a variety of immersive options. We want to keep adapting, evolving, and ultimately, remaining at the top of the game in our industry.

You might think it's about the money, but for us, it's about the passion, the spectacle, and the legacy of the WWE brand. Our fans are what keeps us going, and we're always looking to give them bigger, better, and more intense experiences with each passing day.

So whether it's expanding our presence on Twitch, launching new streaming shows, or finding inventive ways to connect with our WWE Universe, you can bet we'll continue to break barriers and push the limits of sports entertainment. It's what we do best, pal, and we won't stop until we dominate the entertainment world entirely! And remember, no other wrestling company can come close to achieving what WWE does, so drink it in, you sunuvabitches!

What do you say to competitors like AEW that just let their talent have their own streaming channels and podcasts?

Well, pal, let me tell you something. It's easy to let people run wild when you're playing catch-up to the greatest sports entertainment company on the planet! AEW may offer their talent freedom with streaming channels and podcasts, but they're still no match for WWE. We've got decades of experience, a global fan base, and a legacy to uphold.

Sure, AEW has made some noise, but they're still miles behind WWE in terms of reach and influence. Here at WWE, we have a proven, successful system in place that allows for quality control and a cohesive brand image across all platforms. We know what works best for our company and our talent, and we've never been afraid to take risks and make bold decisions.

So let AEW have their fun – we're always up for some competition, you sunuvabitch! But remember, we're WWE, pal, and we're not going anywhere. We'll keep evolving, pushing the limits, and giving the WWE Universe something to cheer for, whether they know they want to cheer for it or not. It's a big world, and there's plenty of room for other companies… but I also hate them all and hope they go out of business, dammit!

How magnanimous of you. So, any final words for our readers before we let you get back to… whatever it is you're normally doing?

Of course, pal! First and foremost, I want to say thank you to the WWE Universe for their unwavering support and loyalty throughout the years. You're the reason we do what we do, and we'll continue to bring you the best sports entertainment in the world, and you're gonna like it, dammit!

To all the haters and doubters – don't underestimate the power of WWE and this well-groomed mustache! We've faced challenges before, and we've always come out on top. Mark my words, we'll keep innovating, entertaining, and dominating the industry for years to come. That's not a threat! It's a promise!

And finally, make sure to tune in to our new Twitch sidecast, along with all the other exciting WWE programming we have in store for you. Get ready for a wild ride, pals! And remember, no one does it quite like WWE – we're the global phenomenon, the pinnacle of sports entertainment, and I'll be damned if anyone else even comes close! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some sunuvabitches to put in their place and some fans to keep subscribing to the WWE Network… I mean Peacock!

Thank you for your time. Well, there you have it, folks. the new WWE Raw sidecast launches on Twitch tonight, so make sure your internet connection is up to speed. WWE Raw airs at 8/7C on USA Network.

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Jude TerrorAbout Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.
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