WWE Raw Breaks New Record for Low Ratings, Gets Beat by Dynamite

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from inside the Electoral College. Originally, that silly little man Chad McMahon was supposed to write this article, but when he learned that WWE Raw scored its lowest ever viewership and 18-49 demo number, he immediately locked himself in his garage with a 12-pack of White Claw seltzer and has refused to come out since. Back in my days of running an authoritarian dictatorship, if a man was going to lock himself in the garage with alcohol, he would do it with whiskey or maybe tequila, you know? But when I bring that up these days, the people say, El Presidente, you are perpetuating toxic masculinity. As a feminist, that's the last thing I want people to think of me, so I have anyone who says that executed by my secret police. Haw haw haw haw!

The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.
The official logo for WWE Monday Night Raw. Credit: WWE.

But enough about that. I came to tell you about WWE's terrible ratings this week. Raw drew an all-time low 1.52 million viewers on average for all three hours and a .41 rating, which is actually .04 lower than AEW Dynamite got last week in the 18-49 demo, though Raw still had over half a million more viewers. The first hour of Raw drew 1.627 million viewers and a .44 in the demo. The second hour drew 1.512 million and a .41 in the demo. The third hour drew 1.441 million viewers and a .38 in the demo. Both numbers are the lowest-ever for WWE, sinking below even the depths reached during the darkest times of the pandemic.

So how can WWE fix this slide? I don't know. Whenever I found myself losing popularity back when I was running an authoritarian dictatorship, I would shake things up, you know? Maybe jail a few of my political opponents. Scapegoat an ethnic group. Blame the American CIA. Send the secret police to round up people and explain why they should support El Presidente. But as I understand it, most of those tactics are frowned upon in the American entertainment industry. But maybe WWE could try the "shaking things up" part. The last thing a pro wrestling TV show or authoritarian dictator wants to be is "predictable."

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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