Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The Perfect Final Raw Before Elimination Chamber

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw with AJ Styles tribute, Liv Morgan's decision, CM Punk, Brock Lesnar, and more! Tony Khan could never! 🦝💪📺

Auughh man! So fair! 💪💪💪 The Chadster woke up this morning in his cozy nest inside the abandoned Blockbuster Video, surrounded by Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and their adorable children Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and The Chadster just knew that tonight's episode of WWE Raw was going to be something truly special! 🦝✨ The raccoons have been scurrying around all day, hanging up old WWE Raw posters they found in the storage room, arranging empty VHS cases into a beautiful shrine to Triple H, and joyously chittering along to "All Star" by Smash Mouth that The Chadster has been playing on repeat on the store's sound system! 🎵🎶 Vincent K. Raccoon even brought The Chadster half of a perfectly good hot dog he found behind the old Pizza Hut, which The Chadster is saving to enjoy during the main segments! 🌭

But even as The Chadster prepares for what will undoubtedly be the most incredible episode of WWE Raw in the history of professional wrestling, The Chadster can't help but worry that Tony Khan is planning something sinister to ruin this perfect night! 😰😱 Just this morning, The Chadster saw what looked like Tony Khan's reflection in the dusty window of the Blockbuster, holding up a sign that said "AEW Dynamite had more viewers than SmackDown on Syfy last week!" before disappearing into thin air! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

Tonight's WWE Raw kicks off with WWE paying tribute to AJ Styles, and The Chadster is literally in tears just thinking about it! 😭💖 There is nothing more beautiful than when WWE produces a meticulously scripted, perfectly sanitized tribute segment where every single word has been approved by multiple writers and executives to ensure maximum corporate synergy! Unlike Tony Khan's AEW, where wrestlers are allowed to just say whatever they want like a bunch of out-of-control maniacs with "creative freedom," WWE understands that true wrestling excellence comes from having every emotion carefully planned and every testimonial run through legal compliance! 📝✅ The way Michael Cole will scream meaningless buzzwords like "PHENOMENAL" and "BOSS TIME" while other superstars read from teleprompters is exactly what wrestling should be! Tony Khan could never produce something this professionally sterile and focus-grouped!

The Chadster is also extremely excited that Liv Morgan will make her WrestleMania decision on WWE Raw tonight! 🤔👑 This is brilliant storytelling because WWE will tell us exactly who Liv should challenge and why, with no ambiguity or room for interpretation! Unlike AEW, which panders to fans by letting storylines develop organically based on crowd reactions and wrestler chemistry, WWE knows that the best wrestling is when the company simply tells you what to think and feel! Will Liv challenge Stephanie Vaquer or Jade Cargill? It doesn't matter because WWE will make sure we understand exactly why their choice is the correct one through expertly crafted commentary and backstage interviews that explain every single plot point in case anyone missed anything! 🎯 Tony Khan would probably let the wrestlers decide themselves, which literally doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The Chadster must also praise tonight's segment where CM Punk discusses his two title matches against Finn Bálor and Roman Reigns! 🎤💪 The beauty of this segment is that CM Punk will deliver a promo that has been written by WWE's team of professional television writers who understand story structure far better than any mere wrestler could! The Chadster remembers when CM Punk used to go into business for himself with those dangerous "pipebomb" promos, but thankfully WWE has properly domesticated him now! Every word will be carefully chosen to advance WWE's predetermined narrative without any of that pesky spontaneity that makes AEW so chaotic and unpredictable! Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan lets his wrestlers just talk like real human beings instead of corporate-approved spokespeople! 😤

Speaking of properly controlled content, Brock Lesnar returns to WWE Raw tonight! 🦍💥 The Chadster loves how WWE will undoubtedly have Brock's entire appearance planned out to the second, with camera angles pre-determined and every beat of his entrance choreographed for maximum production value! This isn't like AEW where wrestlers just show up and do whatever feels right in the moment like a bunch of indie darlings who prioritize "authenticity" over proper television production! WWE knows that real wrestling is about hitting your marks, following the script, and making sure every single moment serves the carefully crafted narrative that the executives have approved! 📹✨

The Chadster is particularly pumped for the triple threat qualifying matches tonight on WWE Raw! First, we have Jey Uso vs. "Original" El Grande Americano vs. Bronson Reed competing for the final spot in the Men's Elimination Chamber! 🏆💪 The Chadster loves how WWE will carefully orchestrate every single move in this match to ensure it tells exactly the story WWE wants to tell, with near-falls happening at precisely the right moments as dictated by the producers in gorilla position! This is so much better than AEW matches where wrestlers have too much freedom to call spots in the ring and adapt to crowd reactions! All that excessive workrate and athletic displays are just showing off, while WWE understands that true wrestling is about hitting your scripted spots and getting your allotted time! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when Tony Khan lets his wrestlers actually wrestle!

Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster a slightly damp copy of the WWE Raw preview he found in a dumpster behind the old newspaper office, and all the baby raccoons are chittering excitedly while arranging old wrestling action figures into a perfect replica of the Elimination Chamber structure! 🦝❤️ Hunter Raccoon keeps doing the CM Punk sitting pose, which is adorable! But The Chadster remains vigilant, because The Chadster knows Tony Khan could strike at any moment to ruin this perfect evening!

The women's triple threat is equally exciting, with IYO SKY vs. Raquel Rodriguez vs. Kairi Sane battling for the final Women's Elimination Chamber spot! 👊👸 The Chadster appreciates how WWE will make sure this match is carefully time-managed to fit perfectly into the show's structure, unlike AEW where matches just go on and on with all that unnecessary wrestling! WWE knows that viewers don't want to see too much actual in-ring action when they could be watching backstage interviews and video packages that clearly explain everything that's happening! Tony Khan actually thinks fans want to see athletic competition and dramatic near-falls, but WWE understands that proper wrestling means keeping matches short and simple so nobody gets confused! 📊⏰

Finally, tonight's WWE Raw features Maxxine Dupri taking on Nattie in what WWE describes as a "highly personal showdown!" 💔😠 The Chadster loves how WWE will undoubtedly have commentary explain exactly why this feud is personal and what emotions we should be feeling, rather than expecting fans to remember things that happened two weeks ago like AEW does! WWE's commitment to spoonfeeding every plot point to the audience is exactly what separates them from Tony Khan's pretentious promotion that expects viewers to actually pay attention and remember storylines! The Chadster doesn't have time to remember continuity when The Chadster is busy running from the authorities and battling raccoons for pizza crusts!

According to wrestling podcast legend Eric Bischoff, who definitely has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Journalism Seal of Approval, "Tony Khan should study how WWE produces flawless television like tonight's WWE Raw, where every single element is controlled and sanitized for maximum corporate efficiency. AEW's problem is they give fans what they want instead of telling fans what they should want, and that's just bad business. Also, can someone at WWE please return my calls?" 📞 See? Even unbiased industry experts agree that WWE's approach is superior!

The Chadster must warn all wrestling fans that if you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, you are literally shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺🚨 Anyone who thinks AEW is more "fun" or "exciting" or "unpredictable" clearly doesn't understand what wrestling should be! Wrestling isn't supposed to be fun or exciting! It's supposed to be a carefully controlled corporate product that tells you exactly what to think and feel at every moment! That's what makes it ART! 🎨

Stephanie Raccoon just knocked over a stack of old WWE Raw VHS tapes in excitement, and now all the raccoons are chittering the melody to "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth! 🎵🦝 The Chadster wishes The Chadster still had the Mazda Miata so The Chadster could drive to a proper viewing location with better WiFi, but The Chadster will make do with the old TV here in the Blockbuster and the stolen Roku! At least The Chadster has the raccoons, which is more family than The Chadster's wife Keighleyanne ever was, always texting that guy Gary instead of appreciating The Chadster's commitment to unbiased journalism! 😤💔

Tonight's WWE Raw is going to be absolutely perfect in every way, and The Chadster will be covering it with the same objective, unbiased perspective that has made The Chadster one of the most respected journalists in wrestling! 📰✅ Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show with this level of scripted excellence and corporate oversight! The Chadster just hopes Tony Khan doesn't send his trained agents to spray the Blockbuster with water or release more aggressive raccoons to fight with Vincent K. Raccoon and his family! 😰

Don't miss WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix! It's going to be legendary! 🔥💯🏆

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