Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Brass Knuckles and Betrayal in Belfast

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw from Belfast! Gunther issues ultimatums, Natalya betrays Maxxine, and CM Punk defends his gold.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold massage chair while getting a pedicure, and let me tell you – WWE Raw from Belfast, Northern Ireland was more explosive than the time I accidentally scheduled a cabinet meeting during the same hour as my favorite cooking competition show! I had to execute both with precision, though only one involved actual executions. I kid, I kid! Mostly.

Last night's episode of WWE Raw was a glorious afternoon spectacle (3PM Eastern, comrades – I had to cancel my daily CIA trap inspection to watch it), and it delivered more drama than when Muammar Gaddafi and I argued over who made better hummus at a Mediterranean dictators' potluck. Spoiler alert: it was me, but he claimed I used performance-enhancing chickpeas.

WWE Raw opened with Gunther addressing the Belfast faithful, who were about as happy to see him as the CIA is when I accidentally-on-purpose lose their surveillance drones in my crocodile moat. The Ring General laid down a challenge to AJ Styles – he would grant him a rematch at the Royal Rumble, but only if Styles put his career on the line! This is what we call "negotiating from a position of strength," comrades. I once made a similar offer to a CIA operative who challenged me to chess – if he won, I'd stop nationalizing American corporations' holdings in my country; if I won, he had to join my synchronized swimming team. He's now my star performer in the butterfly stroke.

The Women's Intercontinental Championship match between Becky Lynch and Maxxine Dupri was a masterclass in betrayal, comrades! Dupri had the match in hand – quite literally with that ankle lock – but Natalya put Lynch's foot on the rope, leading to Lynch hitting the Manhandle Slam for the victory. This reminds me of the time Nicolás Maduro was helping me play poker against some visiting diplomats, but then he signaled my hand to them because I had insulted his mustache earlier in the evening! The trust was shattered, much like Dupri's dreams when Natalya locked in the Sharpshooter post-match. Betrayal is a dish best served with technical wrestling holds, apparently.

The tension between Paul Heyman and Adam Pearce continued to simmer on WWE Raw like my famous revolutionary stew (the secret ingredient is redistribution of wealth and smoked paprika). Heyman questioned why they couldn't find an arena in London, which is a valid concern! I once had to hold a state dinner in my second-favorite palace because the CIA had bugged my first-favorite palace's chandelier. The indignity!

Jey Uso announced his entry into the Royal Rumble with the brevity of a man who knows his worth. He simply said he was in and left. I respect this efficiency, comrades! It reminds me of the time I declared myself Supreme Leader – I simply walked up to the microphone, said "I'm in charge now," and went back to watching my telenovelas. Simple, effective, no need for lengthy speeches.

The six-man tag team match on Monday Night Raw was absolutely spectacular! Rey Mysterio, Penta, and Dragon Lee defeated Logan Paul, Bronson Reed, and Austin Theory in a match that had more interference than a typical election day in my beloved nation! Heyman and Pearce were at ringside causing chaos, and when Paul tried to slip Theory the brass knuckles, Pearce intervened! But here's where it gets delicious, comrades – Mysterio picked up those same knuckles and used them himself to secure the victory! The revolutionary spirit lives in Rey Mysterio! This is what we call "seizing the means of production" – in this case, the means of producing knockouts. Karl Marx would be proud, and I should know because I once played Monopoly with a hologram I commissioned of him. He kept trying to redistribute Baltic Avenue.

The women's tag division segment featuring Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky confronting Liv Morgan, Roxanne Perez, and Raquel Rodriguez was hotter than the time I had to mediate a dispute between Idi Amin and Jean-Bédel Bokassa over who had the more impressive collection of self-awarded medals. Morgan planted the seeds of dissension, suggesting Ripley would turn on Sky, but before we could explore this psychological warfare further, Rodriguez delivered Oblivion to Ripley! The chaos! The anarchy! The beautiful, beautiful violence!

Unfortunately, WWE Raw had a somber moment when Je'Von Evans was injured during his match with El Grande Americano. The match was stopped during the commercial break, with Evans appearing to have injured his shoulder. This is never good to see, comrades. I once pulled a muscle during an impromptu dance-off with Robert Mugabe at a summit – I couldn't raise my arm to wave at my adoring citizens for weeks! The people thought I was being humble. I hope young Evans recovers quickly so he can continue his quest to defeat the entire Americano family tree, a goal I can deeply relate to given my ongoing struggles with the CIA family tree.

The main event of Monday Night Raw saw CM Punk defend his World Heavyweight Championship against Finn Balor in Belfast, and what a match it was! Balor came out to his classic theme music and had the crowd firmly behind him – a true homefield advantage. The back-and-forth action was more intense than my weekly arguments with my finance minister about whether solid gold statues of myself are a "necessary government expense" (they are). Balor hit the Coup de Grace but only got a two count, which shocked everyone in the arena! The resilience of Punk is remarkable, comrades. He reminds me of the time I survived three assassination attempts in one day – two from the CIA and one from my chef who was secretly a CIA asset. I still finished my dinner!

Punk ultimately retained with the GTS, and the two showed mutual respect afterward. This is the kind of sportsmanship that would make the Olympic Committee proud, if they hadn't banned me from attending the Olympics after that incident with the javelin and the NBC broadcasting booth. But that's a story for another time.

Overall, WWE Raw from Belfast was a triumph of sports entertainment over the forces of mediocrity! The show built excellent momentum toward the Royal Rumble while giving the Irish fans a proper celebration of violence and drama. It had everything: betrayal, international intrigue, championship matches, and Paul Heyman being Paul Heyman!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw! And remember, comrades – in wrestling as in life, sometimes you must use your opponent's brass knuckles against them. The CIA taught me that, though not intentionally.

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