Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Multiple Title Changes on First Raw of 2025

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw's title-changing spectacular from his bunker, with multiple new champions crowned and Stranger Things brand synergy.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have installed a 90-inch television specifically for watching professional wrestling while avoiding CIA drone strikes. Last night, I tuned in to WWE Raw from the Barclays Center in New York City, and what a glorious spectacle of American entertainment it was!

You see, comrades, this was no ordinary episode of WWE Raw. No, no, no! This was a special crossover with that Netflix program "Stranger Things," which I have watched extensively during my diplomatic visits to Kim Jong-un's private cinema. Kim and I once spent an entire weekend binge-watching the series while he insisted the Demogorgon was actually a metaphor for capitalist imperialism. I disagreed – clearly it represents the CIA – but I digress.

The show opened with Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky challenging the Kabuki Warriors for the Women's Tag Team Championships, and comrades, what a battle this was! The match went nearly seventeen minutes, with all four women displaying the kind of determination I usually only see in my own generals when I threaten to reassign them to the guano mines.

Sky and Ripley emerged victorious, capturing the titles after Sky hit her moonsault on Asuka. This reminds me of the time I was playing board games with Fidel Castro – may he rest in revolutionary peace – and he told me, "Presidente, sometimes you must sacrifice your queen to capture the king." I responded, "Fidel, this is Chutes and Ladders." But his point was valid! Sky and Ripley sacrificed their bodies throughout this contest to achieve championship glory, which is the socialist way – collective sacrifice for collective reward!

Next, Gunther came out to complain about respect, which I found quite amusing. Comrades, if there's one thing I know about respect, it's that you cannot demand it – you must earn it through fear, intimidation, and occasionally nationalizing American fruit companies. Gunther boasted about making John Cena submit, but then AJ Styles interrupted and slapped him right across the face!

This was magnificent television! It reminded me of a state dinner I once hosted where Recep Erdogan slapped the French ambassador for serving the wrong wine. These two will face each other next week on Monday Night Raw, and I cannot wait. Styles and Gunther, that is. Erdogan has a solid rule of only appearing at premium live events.

Becky Lynch defeated Maxxine Dupri to recapture the Women's Intercontinental Championship in what was a respectable contest. Dupri showed tremendous fighting spirit, applying the ankle lock multiple times, but ultimately Lynch used her veteran cunning to win with a rollup while holding the rope.

Now, comrades, some might say this was cheating, but I say it is simply strategic thinking! As I once explained to Muammar Gaddafi during a game of Monopoly, "The rules are merely suggestions for those bold enough to ignore them." He then tried to pay his rent with actual oil futures, and we had to start over, but the principle remains sound!

Dupri should hold her head high – she has evolved from comedy character to legitimate competitor, much like how I evolved from simple military coup leader to beloved dictator-for-life and part-time wrestling blogger!

The show featured ongoing drama with Stephanie Vaquer being attacked by Raquel Rodriguez, not once but twice! Rodriguez is clearly targeting Vaquer's injured leg, which is excellent psychology. This reminds me of my ongoing conflict with the CIA – they keep targeting my offshore bank accounts, and I keep moving them to different tax havens. It's really quite similar when you think about it!

Later, we saw Rey Mysterio, Dragon Lee, and Penta forming an alliance against the Vision faction. The power of lucha libre unity! This is socialism in action, comrades – workers uniting against a common oppressor! If only they would also seize the means of production and redistribute WWE's television revenue equally among all performers!

And during a commercial break, Je'Von Evans was called up from NXT and signed an official WWE Raw contract, later to be welcomed by Los Americanos. Wasn't that nice of them?

But the true spectacle of WWE Raw was the main event, where CM Punk defeated Bron Breakker to retain the Raw World Championship! This match went nearlys half hour and Punk managed not to injure himself, making this his longest title reign without doing so since his return to wrestling. Breakker, accompanied by his advisor Paul Heyman, looked dominant throughout, throwing Punk around like a sack of confiscated bolivars.

The match had everything – interference from the Vision, a brawl involving multiple luchadores, Heyman getting physically assaulted (always entertaining), and Breakker missing his signature spear multiple times. In the end, Punk hit his GTS finisher to retain the championship.

Comrades, this finish proves what I have always believed – persistence and strategic thinking defeat raw power! It's like when the CIA tried to assassinate me with an exploding cigar, but I switched it with a regular cigar at the last moment. Who's laughing now, CIA? El Presidente is laughing! My assistant who I handed the explosive cigar to? Well, the doctors say he may laugh again one day, with enough reconstructive surgery.

This episode of WWE Raw delivered three title matches, multiple storyline advancements, and a delightful Stranger Things crossover aesthetic that demonstrated remarkable brand synergy. Liv Morgan also defeated Lyra Valkyria in a solid match that featured interference from Roxanne Perez and Bayley, setting up future conflicts.

The Usos made an appearance to declare themselves ready for any challengers, which is the kind of confidence I admire. It reminds me of the time I declared my nation ready to face any economic sanctions, right before we had to start eating zoo animals. But we persevered, just as the Usos will persevere!

Overall, Monday Night Raw was a tremendous success, comrades! Multiple title changes, exciting matches, and storylines advancing toward the Royal Rumble. This is why I love American professional wrestling – it combines athletic competition, dramatic storytelling, and just enough chaos to remind me of cabinet meetings in my own government!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente reminding you that whether you're watching WWE Raw or running a small socialist paradise, always keep your enemies close and your television remote closer!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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