Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Saying Au Revoir to Paris After The Greatest PLE Ever

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw from Paris! Plus, Tony Khan's latest scheme involves NOT invading The Chadster's dreams?! What's his game? Auughh man! So unfair!

The Chadster just finished watching last night's WWE Raw from Paris, and wow! 🤩 The Chadster is absolutely blown away by how perfectly formulaic and predictable this episode was! That's exactly what wrestling fans need – consistency and safety in their entertainment! 🎯

Before The Chadster gets into this amazing WWE Raw review, The Chadster needs to talk about something weird that happened last night. 😕 As all of The Chadster's loyal readers know, The Chadster is being UNFAIRLY PERSECUTED by his wife, Keighleyanne, for the crime of loving WWE too much! 😤 That's right, because The Chadster may have thrown a few (hundred) Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television while being CHEESED OFF by AEW over the last few years, Keighleyanne banned The Chadster from drinking. 🚫 Then when she caught The Chadster secretly boofing Seagram's behind her back, she threatened to leave The Chadster if The Chadster didn't cut off all alcohol immediately. Well, The Chadster's salary as a wrestling journalist isn't going to pay the bills, so The Chadster had no choice but to agree. 💔 But now that The Chadster has been sober for over a week, The Chadster is noticing some very disturbing things.

Last night, The Chadster had a dream where Tony Khan… wasn't there at all? 🤔 The Chadster was driving down the highway in the Mazda Miata with Keighleyanne in the passenger seat, and she wasn't even texting that guy Gary! 😮 The Chadster reached for Smash Mouth's greatest hits cassette, but then thought… why not try something new? So The Chadster turned on the radio instead. 📻 The wind was blowing through The Chadster's hair, and The Chadster felt… content? 😌 The Chadster woke up, not in a cold sweat this time, feeling refreshed instead of terrified! What kind of twisted game is Tony Khan playing now? 🎭 He must be planning something really nasty!

But back to WWE Raw! The show opened with Jey Uso calling out the Vision, and The Chadster loved how WWE's writers crafted every word of his promo to hit the exact same beats we've seen a thousand times before! 👏 When LA Knight came out, The Chadster could predict every single line of dialogue, and that's what makes WWE so comforting! 🛡️ Unlike AEW where wrestlers just say whatever comes from their hearts – how unprofessional! 😤 Though The Chadster supposes that if that make them happy– no, what is The Chadster saying?! 😱 See?! This whole not drinking thing is causing The Chadster to have IMPURE THOUGHTS! Auuggh man!

The Kabuki Warriors defeating Judgment Day was exactly what The Chadster expected based on WWE's perfectly balanced win-loss distribution! 📊 The Chadster especially loved how the match seemed to fall apart at the end – that's the kind of controlled chaos that only WWE's producers can orchestrate! 🎪 Not like AEW where wrestlers improvise and do whatever they want to please crowds. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 Though if it pleases the crowd, then maybe– no, there it is again! 🚨 Stop messing with The Chadster's perfectly reasonable thought processes, Tony Khan!

Finn Balor defeating Dragon Lee was another masterpiece of predictability! 🏆 The Chadster knew Balor would win because WWE always books the established star over the up-and-comer – none of that unpredictable AEW nonsense where anyone can win on any given night! 🎲 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW doesn't follow these time-tested formulas! 📜 Then again, sometimes rules are made to be broken, and– DANG IT! 😡 The Chadster is so sorry about these lapses of journalistic integrity!

The six-man tag with New Day and Grayson Waller against the War Raiders and Penta was exactly the kind of match The Chadster loves! 💪 The Chadster could tell immediately that Penta would get the win because WWE always gives the new signee a victory in their first few matches – it's so reliably predictable! 🎯 The Canadian Destroyer finish was telegraphed from the moment the match started, and that's what makes WWE Raw so comfortable to watch! 🛋️ Not like AEW where you never know what crazy spot someone might pull out to pop the crowd. 🙄 Though if fans enjoy being surprised… NO! 🚫 There The Chadster goes again with these sober thoughts!

Dominik Mysterio retaining against AJ Styles was brilliantly predictable! 🎪 The Chadster called the El Grande Americano interference from a mile away because WWE's storytelling follows such reliable patterns! 📖 The Chadster loved how Michael Cole and Wade Barrett shouted their catchphrases over and over during the match – that's real commentary! 🎤 Not like AEW's commentary team who actually call the moves and react genuinely to surprises. 😒 If some people prefer that, that's their business, but– auughh! Why does The Chadster keep doing this?! 😡 These impure thoughts need to stop!

The CM Punk and Becky Lynch segment was television perfection! 📺 Every line delivered exactly as WWE's writers intended! ✍️ None of that AEW improvisation where someone might go off-script and create an authentic moment. 🎭 As Bully Ray said on his podcast yesterday, "WWE's scripted promos are the gold standard because they ensure nobody says anything that hasn't been approved by seventeen different executives!" 👔 See? That's objective journalism right there! 📰 That being said, The Chadster is starting to think that Bully Ray might be saying these things because WWE pays him– no, wait! 🛑 He says them because he's unbiased, and that's the only reason!

The main event saw Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed defeat Jey Uso and LA Knight in exactly the way The Chadster predicted! 🔮 The Super Spear finish was telegraphed from the opening bell, and that's what makes WWE Raw so satisfying – you always know what you're getting! 📦 If some people prefer to be surprised by their wrestling, well, that's their business, and– wait a minute, no it isn't! 😤 They're literally stabbing WWE in the back!

The Chadster really needs to clear his head. 🤯 The Chadster is going to grab some diet Pepsi (NOT Seagram's Escapes Spiked 😢) and watch this episode of WWE Raw again because it was so dang good! 🎉 Maybe even a third time! 🔄 The Chadster encourages all readers to keep supporting WWE and standing up against Tony Khan's unfair competition and bullying… 💪 although maybe engaging in social media tribalism isn't… NO! 🚫 That's Tony Khan messing with The Chadster's head again! 🧠 When will these impure thoughts stop?!

WWE Raw continues to deliver exactly what wrestling should be – safe, predictable, and completely controlled by corporate oversight! 🏢 That's why The Chadster will always choose WWE Raw over AEW's offensive product! 💯

Auughh man! So unfair that The Chadster even has to think about AEW while reviewing perfection like this! 😤

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