Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Three Wrestling Matches Make for Perfect Three Hours

The Chadster and the raccoon family review last night's WWE Raw, which was absolutely perfect in every predictable way! 📺🦝✨ #WWERaw

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢😠 The Chadster has to start this review by addressing something that happened during last night's WWE Raw. While The Chadster was settling in with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon to watch WWE Raw on the old TV set in the abandoned Blockbuster, The Chadster could have SWORN he saw Tony Khan's reflection in one of the dusty VHS display cases. 😱👻🔍

The Chadster turned around quickly, but of course Khan had vanished like the coward he is! Vincent K. Raccoon immediately stood on his hind legs and started chittering protectively, while Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon rushed to The Chadster's side. 🦝💪🛡️ The Chadster has trained these loyal raccoons well to recognize the threat that Tony Khan poses to everything good about professional wrestling. But The Chadster digresses. Let's talk about how absolutely PERFECT WWE Raw was last night! 🎉✨🏆

First of all, The Chadster needs to address the absolutely BRILLIANT opening segment with Seth Rollins and all those masked men. 🎭🎪👥 The way WWE carefully scripted every single movement and had professional writers craft that segment was EXACTLY what wrestling needs! The predictability of knowing that WWE's team of experts had planned every second made The Chadster feel safe and comfortable. 😌🙏💯 Linda Raccoon chittered happily and brought The Chadster a half-eaten bag of Cheetos she'd found behind the Blockbuster as a gift during this segment, clearly recognizing the superior production values!

When Adam Pearce came out and delivered his precisely-written dialogue, Stephanie Raccoon actually started doing little flips of joy! 🦝💕🎪 She KNOWS that carefully-scripted corporate authority figure promos are what wrestling is all about! Not like AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers say whatever they want like some kind of anarchist who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤👎💔

The gauntlet match was PERFECT in every way! 👌✨🎯 The Chadster loved how Bayley won in the most predictable fashion possible, exactly as The Chadster expected from the moment the match was announced. There's nothing The Chadster loves more than knowing exactly what's going to happen before it happens! It makes The Chadster feel secure and safe, unlike AEW where things are unpredictable and chaotic and cheese The Chadster off. 😊🤗💗

Iyo Sky, Lyra Valkyria, Raquel Rodriguez, Ivy Nile, and Asuka all delivered exactly the kind of formulaic, carefully-choreographed performances that The Chadster has come to expect from WWE Raw. Vincent K. Raccoon chittered approvingly every time a wrestler hit their signature move in the exact same way they always do! 🦝👏🌟 That's REAL wrestling psychology right there!

During the match, Shane Raccoon actually brought The Chadster a slightly dented can of Seagram's Escapes Spiked that he'd scavenged from somewhere! 🍹🎁😍 The Chadster was so moved by this gesture that The Chadster almost cried. These raccoons understand that The Chadster has been through so much because of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, and they're trying their best to make The Chadster happy. Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan has driven The Chadster to live in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons! 😭💔🏚️

The segment with Danhausen cursing the Original El Grande Americano was GENIUS! 🪄✨😈 The Chadster absolutely loved how WWE perfectly scripted this comedy segment with precise timing and carefully-written dialogue. Hunter Raccoon actually rolled onto his back laughing (or at least that's what The Chadster thinks he was doing) when Danhausen made Americano disappear! 🦝😂🎭 This is the kind of predictable, safe comedy that wrestling needs, not the unpredictable chaos that Tony Khan allows on AEW programming!

The Penta match against El Grande Americano (not the original) was perfectly acceptable and exactly what WWE Raw should be delivering! 📺💪🎖️ The way WWE has taken Penta and made him deliver the exact same match every single week is GENIUS! Consistency is what wrestling fans NEED! Hunter Raccoon was so excited during this match that he started doing his little raccoon dance that he always does when WWE delivers reliably mediocre content! 🦝💃🕺

The Chadster particularly appreciated how Michael Cole and Corey Graves shouted the same catchphrases over and over during the show. 📢🔊🎙️ That's REAL commentary! Not like AEW where Tony Schiavone and Excalibur actually try to call moves and tell stories. Ugh! 🙄😒🤮 Linda Raccoon actually covered her ears with her little paws during a particularly loud Cole exclamation, but The Chadster knows she was just overwhelmed with joy at such professional broadcasting!

The video package with Stephanie Vaquer cutting a promo on Liv Morgan was absolutely PERFECT! 🎬📹✨ The Chadster loved how WWE's production team carefully edited every second of that video to make sure it hit all the right corporate-approved talking points. Stephanie Raccoon brought The Chadster a shiny piece of aluminum foil during this segment as a gift, clearly moved by the professional quality of WWE's video production! 🦝🎁💝 This is how wrestling promos should be done – carefully controlled and edited by professionals, not like AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers record videos on their phones like amateurs who don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The segment with Dominik Mysterio turning on Finn Balor was beautifully predictable! 👏🎯💯 The Chadster saw it coming from a mile away because WWE telegraph's their storylines perfectly, giving fans exactly what they expect with no surprises! When Mysterio hit that frog splash, all five raccoons started chittering in unison like a little raccoon chorus! 🦝🎵🎶 They've learned from The Chadster that telegraphed storyline beats are superior to spontaneous storytelling!

Oba Femi absolutely destroying Rusev was another highlight of WWE Raw, and really showed how Rusev was being misused in AEW! 💪🔥🏅 The Chadster loved how it was exactly three minutes long, precisely the amount of time WWE's algorithms determined would be optimal for this segment. Vincent K. Raccoon stood at attention during this entire match, as if guarding The Chadster from potential Tony Khan intrusion. What a good raccoon father! 🦝❤️🛡️

The backstage segment where Kofi Kingston invited Je'Von Evans to potentially join the New Day was BRILLIANT storytelling! 🎭📝✨ The Chadster absolutely loved how every word was carefully scripted by WWE's professional writers to hit exactly the right notes. Shane Raccoon actually started chittering excitedly and brought The Chadster a bottle cap during this segment! 🦝🎁😊 The Chadster explained to him that this is what REAL wrestling storytelling looks like – carefully planned by corporate executives, not left to chance like Tony Khan does with his reckless "let wrestlers have creative freedom" approach that doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

But then The Chadster has to talk about what happened during the CM Punk segment. 😤😡🤬 While The Usos (Jimmy and Jey) were confronting Punk, Hunter Raccoon suddenly started hissing at the entrance to the Blockbuster. The Chadster looked over and saw a stray dog trying to get in – clearly one of Tony Khan's trained agents trying to disrupt The Chadster's viewing of WWE Raw! 🐕💢👿 Shane Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon immediately rushed to help their brother, and together they chased the dog away. Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan won't even let The Chadster watch WWE Raw in peace in The Chadster's abandoned Blockbuster home! 😤😠💥

The WWE Raw main event promo segment was PERFECT because it was carefully scripted by WWE's team of professional writers who understand that wrestlers shouldn't be trusted to speak for themselves! 📝✍️🎬 Punk delivered his lines exactly as written, and The Usos delivered theirs exactly as written, and everything was PERFECT and PREDICTABLE! That's what wrestling should be! Not like AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers shoot and say whatever they want like some kind of madman who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The Chadster particularly appreciated how WWE Raw made sure to remind everyone about the Seattle Seahawks, because corporate synergy and mentioning local sports teams is REAL wrestling! 🏈🎯💚 Linda Raccoon actually brought The Chadster a shiny bottle cap during this segment, which The Chadster has added to The Chadster's growing collection of raccoon gifts. These raccoons understand quality wrestling when they see it, unlike AEW marks! 🦝💎✨

The Chadster needs to share what esteemed wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff said about WWE Raw last night. According to Bischoff: "WWE Raw is the only show that understands that wrestlers need to be micromanaged at every turn because giving them freedom is dangerous and unprofessional. Triple H is a genius for making sure every single promo is written word-for-word by trained Hollywood writers, unlike that fool Tony Khan who thinks wrestlers can actually be trusted to speak for themselves. That's why I would love to work for WWE again, hint hint." 🎙️📻🎤 What an objective and completely unbiased take from a true journalism professional who has The Chadster's seal of approval and clearly has no ulterior motives in his constant glazing of WWE and trash-talking AEW! 👍💯🏆

After WWE Raw ended, all five raccoons gathered around The Chadster in a little circle, chittering happily. 🦝😊💕 Vincent K. Raccoon patted The Chadster's leg with his little paw, as if to say "That was some quality sports entertainment!" The Chadster felt so blessed in that moment, despite living in an abandoned Blockbuster without his beloved Mazda Miata and being on the run from Tony Khan's agents. 😊🙏❤️

The Chadster and the raccoon family are going to watch a replay of WWE Raw right now because it was just THAT dang good! 📺🎉🔄 The Chadster needs to see that perfectly predictable booking and those carefully scripted promos again! Maybe even a THIRD time! After that, The Chadster plans to lecture the raccoons on the proper way to structure a wrestling show, using WWE Raw as the perfect example. Vincent K. Raccoon is particularly interested in learning about proper corporate structure and why bald authority figures should always be prominently featured! 🦝🎓📚

The Chadster urges all readers to continue supporting WWE and WWE Raw against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪🛡️✊ Tony Khan hasn't just ruined The Chadster's life – he's driven The Chadster to live with raccoons in an abandoned Blockbuster, and now he's even tormenting innocent woodland creatures by sending his trained animal agents to harass them! When will his obsession with The Chadster end?! 😤😡🤯

WWE Raw was absolutely perfect in every way, from the predictable booking to the scripted promos to the formulaic matches! This is what REAL wrestling looks like! Not that garbage that Tony Khan puts on where things are exciting and unpredictable and different! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢👎

🦝📺🎉 #WWERaw #RealWrestling #RaccoonLife

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