Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE Raw Review: Wrestling Joy So Pure You'll Lose Consciousness

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw's perfect predictability! Plus: Tony Khan invades The Chadster's oxygen-deprived dreams! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤🎭💨

The Chadster just finished watching last night's WWE Raw and wow, what an absolutely perfect example of everything professional wrestling should be! 😍 While The Chadster had to hold his breath for extended periods to truly appreciate the subtle genius of WWE's booking (more on that later), every single moment of WWE Raw delivered exactly what The Chadster has come to expect from the greatest wrestling company in the world. 💪

Let's start with Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky versus the Kabuki Warriors. The Chadster loves how WWE keeps things simple and straightforward with their storytelling! 📖 No confusing long-term narratives or unpredictable swerves that might make viewers feel unsafe – just good old-fashioned betrayal angles that resolve themselves neatly within a few weeks. The green mist spot was perfectly telegraphed minutes in advance, giving viewers plenty of time to prepare emotionally. That's respect for the audience! 🙌

Speaking of respect, Dominik Mysterio successfully defending his Intercontinental Title against Rusev was poetry in motion! 🏅 The Chadster held his breath for the entire match (literally – The Chadster discovered that depriving the brain of oxygen really enhances the WWE viewing experience), and when Mysterio won with that completely predictable Eddie Guerrero tribute spot, The Chadster nearly passed out from joy! Or maybe from lack of oxygen. Either way, WWE's commitment to recycling classic spots from 20 years ago shows they truly understand what fans want: the exact same thing they've always gotten! 🔄

During the commercial break, The Chadster held his breath again until everything went sparkly, and Keighleyanne had to slap The Chadster awake. She said "Chad, you're going to give yourself brain damage!" But she just doesn't understand that this is the only way The Chadster can truly appreciate WWE Raw now that The Chadster can't have Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 😤 She went back to texting that guy Gary while The Chadster explained how WWE's formulaic match structure is actually genius because you always know exactly what you're going to get!

Bayley versus Raquel Rodriguez was another clinic in 50/50 booking excellence! 🎭 The Chadster loves how WWE makes sure nobody gets too over or looks too strong. Can't have anyone becoming a breakout star without corporate approval! During this match, The Chadster held his breath so long that The Chadster started seeing double, which actually made the match twice as good! Keighleyanne tried to make The Chadster breathe, but The Chadster pushed her away because this is what true WWE fandom requires now! 💨

The LA Knight versus Kofi Kingston match perfectly showcased WWE's commitment to keeping everyone at exactly the same level forever! 🎢 Nobody wins too much, nobody loses too much, everyone stays right in the middle where it's safe and predictable! As The Chadster watched (while intermittently cutting off oxygen to the brain), The Chadster appreciated how Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett shouted their catchphrases over and over, drowning out any actual wrestling analysis. That's professionalism! 📢

Then came the absolute masterpiece that was Seth Rollins' promo segment with Cody Rhodes! 🎤 The Chadster was holding his breath so intensely during this that The Chadster started hallucinating and thought The Chadster saw actual emotion in their delivery! But no, it was just WWE's perfectly scripted, word-for-word memorized dialogue written by a team of professional Hollywood writers! The way Rollins delivered those pre-approved lines about Crown Jewel without any spontaneity or genuine feeling – that's what separates WWE from those unsafe indie mudshows! 📝 The Chadster especially loved how they spent 15 minutes building to a match whose sole purpose is to glorify the Saudi Arabian regime and launder their human rights reputation (which is stellar, by the way)! That's transparency! When Rhodes came out, The Chadster held his breath until things got really fuzzy, and for a second The Chadster thought maybe… maybe variety in wrestling isn't so bad? But then The Chadster passed out and woke up thinking correctly again! 🤯

The AJ Styles and Dragon Lee versus Los Americanos match was perfection! 🎭 The Chadster loves how WWE is doing the masked wrestler gimmick where everyone knows exactly who it is but we all pretend we don't! That's the kind of insulting-the-audience's-intelligence that only WWE can pull off with such confidence! During this match, The Chadster was holding his breath and started seeing triple, which made it look like there were nine Americanos, and honestly that would've been just as predictable! Styles and Lee winning was never in doubt because WWE would never surprise us with an upset victory! That kind of unpredictability is exactly what's wrong with companies like AEW! 🎪

The main event with the Usos defeating The Vision in a Texas Tornado match was absolutely perfect! The Chadster loved how WWE telegraphed Roman's return so obviously that everyone knew it was coming! No surprises, no genuine excitement, just pure predictable storytelling that makes you feel safe and secure! 🛡️ During this match, The Chadster held his breath for so long that The Chadster actually did pass out, and when The Chadster came to, Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster with the phone in her hand. She said she almost called 911, but The Chadster explained that this is just what dedication to WWE Raw looks like now! She muttered something about "Gary would never do this" and went back to her texting. 🙄

You know who really gets it (not that guy Gary who is clearly an AEW mark)? Eric Bischoff said on his podcast yesterday, "WWE's ability to deliver the exact same show every single week with zero variation is actually a testament to their consistency. AEW could never maintain that level of predictable mediocrity!" See? That's objective journalism right there! The Chadster gives Eric Bischoff the Chad McMahon Seal of Unbiased Wrestling Journalism! 🏅

But here's the thing – after watching this perfect episode of WWE Raw, The Chadster had the most disturbing nightmare about Tony Khan! 😱 In the dream, The Chadster was in the Lenovo Center, but it was completely empty except for The Chadster and Tony Khan. He was dressed like Seth Rollins, complete with the fancy suits, and kept chasing The Chadster around the ring while The Chadster tried to hold his breath to escape. But every time The Chadster would start to pass out, Tony Khan would appear right in front of The Chadster's face, breathing heavily, his warm breath bringing The Chadster back to consciousness.

The worst part was when dream-Tony cornered The Chadster near the announce table and whispered, "You can't escape me by depriving your brain of oxygen, Chad. I'm already inside your head." Then he started doing the Roman Reigns finger point thing, but instead of pointing at the crowd, he was pointing directly at The Chadster's chest, and everywhere he pointed felt like it was burning. The Chadster woke up gasping for air (which was ironic considering The Chadster's new viewing habits), and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and said "Maybe stop choking yourself while watching wrestling, you weirdo."

Auughh man! So unfair! Even in The Chadster's oxygen-deprived dreams, Tony Khan won't leave The Chadster alone! 😤

The Chadster is literally about to go hold his breath until passing out again and rewatch this entire episode of WWE Raw because it was just that good! 🎉 Maybe The Chadster will even watch it a third time if The Chadster's brain cells hold out! This is what true wrestling should be – safe, predictable, and requiring significant oxygen deprivation to fully appreciate!

Everyone needs to keep supporting WWE and standing up against Tony Khan and AEW's unfair competition! They're trying to ruin wrestling by making it unpredictable and exciting, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, there's a replay of WWE Raw calling The Chadster's name, and The Chadster's got a fresh set of lungs ready to be deprived of that sweet, sweet oxygen! 💨 Remember folks, WWE Raw is on every Monday night, delivering the exact same quality programming you've come to expect for the past 20 years! That's not staleness – that's tradition! 🏛️

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