Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: money in the bank, new orleans, wrestling

WWE Money in the Bank Heads to New Orleans in October

El Presidente reports on WWE Money in the Bank moving to New Orleans in October, plus tales of Mardi Gras with Kim Jong-un and the ghost of Louis Armstrong!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold bathtub aboard my luxury yacht anchored just outside of New Orleans, where I am currently teaching Esteban the finer points of jazz appreciation while he nibbles on imported Belgian chocolates. And speaking of The Big Easy, I have some electrifying news that has caused me to nearly spill my vintage rum! According to a press release from WWE, the capitalist pigs at WWE headquarters have announced that Money in the Bank will be taking place on Saturday, October 10 at the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana! Originally scheduled for September, the event has been pushed back one month, which gives us all more time to prepare for what promises to be a magnificent display of ladder-climbing proletariat warfare!

Ah, New Orleans! This announcement brings back such fond memories, comrades. You see, I was once in New Orleans for Mardi Gras with my dear friends Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman, Saddam Hussein, and – I shit you not – the ghost of Louis Armstrong himself! We were all staying at the finest hotel on Bourbon Street, which I had "borrowed" from a wealthy oil baron who owed me several favors.

It was Kim who suggested we enter a King Cake eating contest. "El Presidente," he said to me, "whoever finds the baby in their slice gets to launch a satellite!" Saddam was suspicious of this arrangement, convinced the CIA had planted listening devices in the purple sugar crystals. Dennis just wanted to shoot hoops with street performers. But then – and this is the truly magical part, comrades – the ghost of Louis Armstrong appeared, floating through the wall of our penthouse suite, his spectral trumpet gleaming in the moonlight. "What a wonderful world it would be," he crooned, "if y'all just enjoyed the beignets and stopped worrying about international incidents."

We took his advice, naturally. Though I must admit, Kim did end up finding the baby in his slice and immediately declared it a sign from heaven that he should, indeed, launch a satellite. The CIA was not pleased, but what can you do? Ghosts give excellent advice.

But I digress! Let us return to this glorious Money in the Bank announcement, comrades! For those unfamiliar with this spectacular event, wrestlers will climb ladders to seize briefcases containing championship contracts – a perfect metaphor for seizing the means of production! These brave workers of the squared circle will battle for the right to challenge for a championship at any time and place of their choosing within the next year. It is essentially a guaranteed opportunity to redistribute wealth from the current champion to the briefcase holder. Karl Marx himself would approve!

The tickets go on sale Friday, July 10 at 10am ET through the bourgeoisie ticket monopoly known as Ticketmaster. But fear not, comrades! There is an exclusive presale starting Thursday, July 9 at 10am ET for those clever enough to register at WWE.com/mitb-2026. I have already dispatched my most trusted aide to secure front row seats. Esteban insists on being close enough to smell the ladder polish.

And for those capitalists among you with deep pockets (I see you, and I am judging you while simultaneously understanding your desire for luxury), WWE's partner On Location will be offering Priority Passes with premium seating, hospitality events with Superstar appearances, and exclusive photo opportunities. As someone who has attended many wrestling events from my private luxury box complete with cigar humidor and endangered species petting zoo, I can tell you these VIP experiences are worth every stolen – I mean, hard-earned – dollar.

New Orleans has always been a city of revolution, jazz, and excellent seafood, comrades. It is the perfect location for Money in the Bank, where the working-class Superstars of WWE will climb ladders toward their destiny, much like the proletariat climbing toward inevitable triumph over the oppressive championship-holding bourgeoisie!

I encourage all of you to make your way to The Big Easy this October. And if you see a distinguished gentleman in a military uniform riding a capybara down Bourbon Street, be sure to say hello!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva Money in the Bank!

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