Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown: Black Friday Deals on Simulated Violence

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's Black Friday episode, that capitalist orgy of excess, while dodging CIA agents hiding in discounted air fryers!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the National Palace, where I have been forced to retreat after the CIA attempted to sabotage my Black Friday shopping spree by hiding tracking devices in discounted air fryers. But no imperialist plot could keep me from witnessing last night's WWE SmackDown, which aired on this most capitalist of holidays – Black Friday itself! Ah yes, Black Friday, that beautiful display of American excess where citizens trample each other for half-priced electronics like my own people once fought over bread during an embargo. Truly magnificent in its depravity!

Before we dive into my review of WWE SmackDown, comrades, I must express my sincere wishes for the wellbeing of my colleague Chad McMahon, who is apparently being pursued through the streets of Pennsylvania by agents of Tony Khan, at least according to his own reports. Chad, amigo, I hope you find the help you need – I once had a similar level of paranoia when Fidel Castro chased me through Havana because I borrowed his favorite wrestling magazine without asking. Get well soon, comrade!

Now then, WWE SmackDown delivered quite the spectacle on this Black Friday evening, much like the time Kim Jong-un and I competed to see who could purchase more luxury goods during a shopping trip to Dubai. The show opened with Jey Uso facing Rusev in a match for the Last Time is Now tournament, which will determine John Cena's final opponent. Jey, that charismatic son of the Anoa'i dynasty, secured the victory with his signature Splash after ten minutes of back-and-forth combat. The match's energy reminded me of the time I tried to rally my cabinet for a mandatory 6 AM productivity meeting after we had stayed up all night watching Monday Night Raw. Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak from turkey and capitalism!

Speaking of capitalism, WWE SmackDown then gave us LA Knight versus The Miz in another tournament match. Knight, that gravelly-voiced champion of the people, overcame Miz's treacherous heel tactics – including attempted eye-raking that the referee caught! This reminds me of the time I caught the CIA trying to rig our national elections by replacing ballot boxes with paper shredders. Or was it that they replaced paper shredderrs with ballot boxes? That's probably more likely, now that I think about it. In any case, the WWE official maintained ORDER and DISCIPLINE! Knight won with his Blunt Force Trauma finisher, advancing in the tournament like a revolutionary advancing on the capital (hopefully not mine)!

But comrades, the most intriguing segment of WWE SmackDown involved Chelsea Green attempting to celebrate her women's United States Championship reign. Ah, Chelsea, always the opportunist – she reminds me of myself when I "liberated" Nicaragua's supply of vintage wrestling magazines during a diplomatic summit in 1987. However, her celebration was interrupted by Jade Cargill, the WWE Women's Champion, who destroyed both Chelsea and Alba Fyre with the efficiency of my secret police dismantling a CIA listening post!

The women's advantage match for WarGames at Survivor Series saw Charlotte Flair defeat Asuka in what can only be described as a technical showcase lasting over ten minutes. Charlotte secured the clean victory, giving her team the advantage heading into tonight's premium live event on ESPN. It's interesting to see the heels the ones at a disadvantage in the WarGames match, much like how I keep my political opponents in peril by imprisoning them for opposing me! I will be on the edge of my seat tonight, that's for sure.

The main event of WWE SmackDown featured a traditional five-on-five Survivor Series elimination match, with Sami Zayn, Rey Fenix, Shinsuke Nakamura, and the Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin) facing Solo Sikoa and his MFTs. This match, comrades, lasted nearly twenty-one minutes and told the story of brave resistance fighters being systematically eliminated by the authoritarian regime. I found it quite touching, if a bit on the nose.

The series of eliminations left Sami alone against the odds, much like I stood alone against the CIA, the FBI, the UN, Interpol, and that one particularly aggressive Girl Scout who wanted me to buy Thin Mints! But despite a convincing rally, Solo Sikoa ultimately triumphed with his devastating Samoan Spike, standing tall as the final survivor of WWE SmackDown's main event. But not so fast! The show ended with the Wyatt Sicks appearing to confront Solo, with Uncle Howdy delivering Sister Abigail to the upstart Tribal Chief! The ending reminded me of the time Hugo Chávez and I crashed Silvio Berlusconi's yacht party dressed as Los Boricuas during the height of the Attitude Era, but that's a story for some other time.

WWE SmackDown concluded leaving me with the utmost anticipation for Survivor Series, which streams tonight exclusively on ESPN. Will the women's WarGames match deliver socialist redistribution of championship opportunities? Will the men's WarGames match be called off as both teams join forces to seize the means of production? Only time will tell, comrades!

The point is that WWE SmackDown delivered a solid go-home show on Black Friday, that orgiastic display of consumerism that makes even my most extravagant military parades seem modest by comparison. The matches were competent, the storytelling advanced key plots for Survivor Series, and most importantly, it provided this humble dictator with two hours of entertainment while hiding from international law enforcement.

Now if you'll excuse me, comrades, I must prepare my viewing bunker for tonight's Survivor Series on ESPN, complete with confiscated American snacks and a direct satellite feed that the CIA definitely doesn't know about. Viva la revolución! Viva WWE! And viva the working class, who deserve universal healthcare and affordable WWE SmackDown tickets!

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