Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

WWE SmackDown Review: Who Was Unmasked Before the Chamber?

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's go-home show before Elimination Chamber, featuring title changes, mysterious attackers, and championship chaos!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden toilet throne where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown, and let me tell you, comrades, this was a night of absolute chaos that would make even my most turbulent cabinet meetings look like a peaceful tea party!

WWE SmackDown opened with the shocking news that Jey Uso had been attacked and taken away in an ambulance, which immediately threw the Elimination Chamber landscape into disarray! Trick Williams was making cryptic comments, Drew McIntyre denied involvement, and Cody Rhodes was ready to fight McIntyre right there in the arena. Comrades, this reminds me of the time I hosted a summit with Muammar Gaddafi and someone poisoned the hors d'oeuvres – everyone was a suspect, and trust me, the accusations flew faster than CIA drones over my presidential compound!

Randy Orton, Je'Von Evans, and LA Knight all came out to stake their claims, and the segment ended with Williams and Knight brawling to the back. If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: when everyone gathers in one place to argue about who will get the glory, someone always ends up unconscious in an ambulance!

The first match of SmackDown saw Uncle Howdy defeat Solo Sikoa with the Sister Abigail to reclaim his precious lantern! Comrades, I understand Howdy's attachment to personal property – I once lent Saddam Hussein my favorite solid gold AK-47 for a photo shoot, and when he tried to keep it, I had to send three battalions to get it back! The MFTs jumped Howdy after the match to steal the lantern again, proving that in wrestling, as in geopolitics, possession is nine-tenths of the law and violence is the other tenth.

Kairi Sane stepped in for Asuka on SmackDown to face Tiffany Stratton, which is exactly the kind of strategic delegation I employ when the CIA schedules another "emergency meeting" that I know is actually an ambush. Stratton won with the Prettiest Moonsault Ever, and Chelsea Green got knocked around during the chaos, which was absolutely hilarious! Comrades, Green's commitment to her gimmick is stronger than my commitment to maintaining power through any means necessary, and that is saying something!

Oba Femi absolutely destroyed The Miz on SmackDown in what can only be described as a public execution disguised as a wrestling match! The Miz tried to offer mentorship, but Femi squashed him faster than I squash dissent in my cabinet meetings. This reminds me of when Fidel Castro tried to give me advice on beard maintenance – I appreciate the gesture, comrade, but I think I can handle my own facial hair and my own career trajectory, thank you very much!

The United States Championship match on SmackDown saw Carmelo Hayes retain his title against Matt Cardona in a surprisingly competitive match! Cardona has been enjoying his WWE return tour like I enjoy my tours of newly nationalized factories – with great enthusiasm and mediocre results! Hayes hit the First 48 to retain, keeping his championship reign alive for another week. Comrades, this is like when the CIA keeps sending different agents to try to overthrow me, but I keep defeating them one by one until they finally send their best operative. Spoiler alert: I defeat that one too! Perhaps Ilja Dragunov will have better luck.

Jordynne Grace defeated Candice LeRae on SmackDown while Johnny Gargano caused distractions from his wheelchair! Comrades, Gargano's manipulation tactics are reminiscent of when Kim Jong-un pretended to be sick so he could skip our annual dictators' bowling tournament, only to show up at the last minute and try to distract me during my championship frame. It didn't work then, and it's causing problems for LeRae now!

But the tag titles match on SmackDown was where the real revolutionary action happened, comrades! The Irresistible Forces of Nia Jax and Lash Legend defeated Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky to capture the Women's Tag Team Championships when Legend pinned Ripley with the Lash Extension! This is a massive upset, comrades, and I know upsets – I once lost a rigged election that I personally rigged! Luckily, I had a do-over clause in my constitutional contract. Legend pinning Ripley is the kind of shocking moment that changes the entire landscape, much like when I discovered the CIA had been replacing my favorite brand of cigars with inferior American knockoffs. The betrayal! The audacity! The brilliant storytelling!

After the title change on SmackDown, we saw Charlotte and Alexa Bliss dealing with their emotions through ice cream, which is exactly how I cope with failed coups. Jade Cargill showed up to wish everyone sarcastic good luck, displaying the kind of psychological warfare I usually reserve for visiting UN inspectors!

The final segment of SmackDown saw Logan Paul defeat Jacob Fatu in an Elimination Chamber qualifying match when Drew McIntyre interfered! Paul stole a mask from the mysterious Masked Man who has been attacking people, only to reveal it was some rando named Don Furio who trains under Seth Rollins. Comrades, this is like when I captured what I thought was a CIA operative, only to discover it was just a lost tourist from Nebraska! The real story was McIntyre's interference, which secured Paul's spot in tomorrow's Chamber match. Paul Heyman and The Vision, at least the members who remain uninjured, continue their scheming ways, which I respect as a fellow practitioner of the fine art of manipulation!

All in all, WWE SmackDown delivered an excellent go-home show for Elimination Chamber, with title changes, mystery attackers, and more backstabbing than a typical Thursday at my presidential palace! Tune in tonight for Elimination Chamber, comrades, where six men and six women will battle inside the demonic structure for glory!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva SmackDown!

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