Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown: Sami Zayn, Jelly Roll Victorious in Epic Night

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown, where Sami Zayn won the US Title, WrestleMania matches were announced, and Randy Orton RKO'd everyone in sight.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret bunker beneath a disused churro factory in an undisclosed South American location, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown and I am positively vibrating with revolutionary excitement! What an episode, comrades! What drama! What betrayal! What poetry — and I do not just mean Kit Wilson's terrible verses!

Now, as always, your El Presidente is bringing you the highlights of SmackDown via the greatest innovation in modern technology since the surveillance drone: WWE's official YouTube channel. Comrades, why would you pay for cable AND seventeen different streaming services when you can watch all the best moments of WWE SmackDown, WWE Raw, and even WWE premium live events for free on social media? It cuts out the boring parts, it costs you nothing, and it is available in every country on Earth, even mine, where the CIA has tried and failed to block our internet at least forty-seven times. YouTube is the people's platform, and the people deserve free wrestling content. Now let us get into it!

The Viper Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine

We opened SmackDown with Randy Orton in the ring cutting a promo about listening to the voices in his head again after Cody Rhodes encouraged him to unleash the old Viper. Orton warned the entire roster that he cannot be held responsible for what happens next — but then Matt Cardona showed up and smashed him in the skull with a microphone! Comrades, this is exactly what happened when my Minister of Defense tried to give a threatening speech at our annual military parade and my Minister of Agriculture hit him with a megaphone. Nobody is safe when the voices take over, but sometimes the voices get answered with blunt force trauma! Cardona showed tremendous courage, the kind of courage I display every time I refuse to sign an extradition treaty.

Sami Zayn Punches His Way Toward WrestleMania

Backstage, Trick Williams learned from General Manager Nick Aldis that he has earned a match at WrestleMania, and he was absolutely insufferable about it. So insufferable, in fact, that when Sami Zayn came looking for his own path to the grandest stage of them all and was told there was no spot for him, and Trick told him to try again next year, Sami responded the way any self-respecting revolutionary would — with a fist directly to Trick's jaw. Comrades, I once told Hugo Chávez that there was no room for him at my private karaoke night, and he responded in a very similar fashion. The man still has a devastating right hand from beyond the grave. Zayn made it clear that this storyline will end with him wrestling Williams at WrestleMania, and honestly, I admire the directness. In my country, we call that "aggressive diplomacy."

The Bella Twins Pick Up a Huge Win

The tag team match I previewed yesterday delivered exactly the kind of factional warfare I predicted! Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss took on The Bella Twins with the Irresistible Forces — tag team champions Nia Jax and Lash Legend — watching from ringside. After a hard-fought battle with plenty of momentum swings, Brie Bella pinned Alexa Bliss with a folding press after some ringside interference from the champions tilted things in the Bellas' favor. Comrades, this match had more shifting alliances than a United Nations General Assembly session, and I should know because I have been banned from three of them. The Bella Twins proved that the fire of the revolution burns bright in their hearts, and Charlotte Flair proved that she is still not a team player by shoving Brie down after the match. Typical royalty behavior — this is why we had the revolution in the first place!

The Tag Division Erupts Into Total Chaos

But comrades, the fun did not stop there! After the match, the Irresistible Forces entered the ring and laid waste to all four women, standing tall as the dominant champions they believe themselves to be. But then Bayley and Lyra Valkyria charged down to make the save, sending the champions packing with a double dropkick! Charlotte even helped clear Lash out of the ring before shoving Brie down on her way out because Charlotte Flair simply cannot help herself. This is exactly like the time I hosted a peace summit between five rival dictators and it devolved into a food fight within eleven minutes. The WWE Women's Tag Team division is absolute anarchy right now, and I am living for it. Monday's title defense on WWE Raw should be spectacular.

Rhea Ripley Gets Ambushed by Jade Cargill's Alliance

Rhea Ripley came to the ring dressed for a fight, calling out Jade Cargill and her new squash opponents turned allies B-FAB and "Michin" Mia Yim. The trio came out, ran their mouths about how Ripley is selfish and gets all the attention, and then B-FAB got a match against the Mami. But of course, comrades, it was all a trap! Cargill interfered, Yim also interfered, and after the disqualification, all three women beat Rhea down and Jade hit her finisher. Comrades, this is the oldest trick in the dictator's handbook — you challenge your enemy to a one-on-one duel and then bring your regional allies to the fight. I have done this at least twelve times, and it works every single time until it doesn't. Ripley is a warrior, and I suspect these three have only made her angrier. You do not poke the Mami and expect to survive unscathed.

Danhausen Curses Kit Wilson

In one of the most delightful backstage segments of the evening, Danhausen confronted Kit Wilson about why The Miz chose to mentor Kit instead of him, and then promptly cursed Wilson. Comrades, I do not officially believe in curses, but my personal shaman — yes, every proper dictator has one — has assured me that they are very real. I once had him curse the CIA operative who stole my favorite pair of sunglasses, and that man was reassigned to a desk job in Fargo, North Dakota within the month. Coincidence? I think not. Kit Wilson should be very, very worried. Between Danhausen's curse and the Miz stepping in gum and dropping his phone in a toilet, the dark forces are clearly at work on WWE SmackDown.

Jelly Roll Wins for the People!

Comrades, I told you yesterday that Jelly Roll represents the working class, and last night on SmackDown the working class triumphed! After enduring another dreadful poem from Kit Wilson and a cheap shot with the poetry book, Jelly Roll fought back valiantly and put Wilson away with a thunderous chokeslam for his first WWE victory! He then grabbed his son from the front row to celebrate, which brought a single revolutionary tear to El Presidente's eye. This is what it is all about, comrades — a man of the people, fighting for his family, slamming his enemies into the canvas. I once dedicated a military victory to my own son, though he was less impressed because he was three years old and more interested in his juice box. Jelly Roll is a true hero of the proletariat, and I am proud of him.

Sami Zayn Reclaims the United States Championship!

Madre de Dios, comrades! Carmelo Hayes held an open challenge for his WWE Men's United States Championship, and who answered but Sami Zayn! With Trick Williams sitting at commentary and clearly unable to control himself, this match was an absolute war. Zayn and Hayes went back and forth in one of the best matches of the night, and just when it looked like it could go either way, Trick slid the title belt into the ring in an attempt to screw over his rival. But the plan backfired spectacularly — Williams accidentally took out Hayes instead of Zayn, and Sami hit the Helluva Kick to become the NEW United States Champion! Nick Aldis then made it official: Zayn will defend against Williams at WrestleMania! Comrades, this is poetic justice. Earlier in the night, Trick mocked Sami for not going to WrestleMania, and now Sami has the gold and Trick has to try to take it from him on the grandest stage. This is exactly what happened when Muammar Gaddafi told me I would never win our annual dictators' chess tournament, and I proceeded to checkmate him in eleven moves. Never underestimate a desperate man with nothing to lose, comrades.

Jacob Fatu vs. Drew McIntyre Made Officially Unofficial for WrestleMania — Unsanctioned!

Both Jacob Fatu and Drew McIntyre made their way into the arena like two war-torn generals returning from the front lines, which is something I have personally witnessed many times from my palace balcony. Fatu cut an impassioned promo about how McIntyre has tried everything to take him out — hitting him with the title, throwing him off structures, even involving a car — but he is still standing. McIntyre fired back with one of the most vicious promos I have heard in some time, telling Fatu that everything he has was stolen from Drew, and then he said something about Fatu's children that I will not repeat because even El Presidente has standards. Nick Aldis appeared to announce their WrestleMania match will be an Unsanctioned Match — no disqualification, no countout, the referee only exists to count the pin. Comrades, an unsanctioned match is basically how all disputes are settled in my country, so I feel very at home with this stipulation. These two are going to destroy each other, and I cannot wait.

Giulia Defeats Tiffany Stratton

As I predicted yesterday, the non-title match between Women's United States Champion Giulia and former Women's Champion Tiffany Stratton was what one might call a "banger." These two went back and forth with incredible athleticism, and Stratton nearly had it won after a senton atomico from the top rope, but Giulia got her knees up when Stratton attempted the Prettiest Moonsault Ever — with a small assist from Kiana James delaying things on the outside — and secured the victory with a three-count. Giulia continues her dominant run, and Stratton continues to learn that the brightest spotlight sometimes blinds you to the knees headed for your ribcage. I said yesterday that Giulia carries herself with the confidence of a true leader, and she proved it. Chelsea Green also attempted to offer Stratton advice before the match and was rejected, which reminds me of the time I tried to offer strategic counsel to Bashar al-Assad and he hung up on me. Some people simply cannot accept help, comrades, and then they're forced into exile in Russia.

Randy Orton Brutalizes Matt Cardona

After Cardona's brave microphone attack earlier in the night, Orton demanded a match against him from Nick Aldis, and the General Manager obliged. What followed was less of a wrestling match and more of a systematic dismantling. Orton targeted Cardona's injured arm with surgical precision, ripping off his cast and wrenching every joint in horrifying fashion. Cardona showed incredible heart, even connecting with a Rough Ryder, but the Viper was too vicious and too focused. An RKO put Cardona down for good. Comrades, I have seen interrogations conducted with more mercy than what Orton did to that man's arm. The Viper is fully unleashed, and the voices in his head are apparently telling him to be as cruel as possible. This reminds me of the time my head of intelligence got too enthusiastic during a training exercise and I had to ask him to, quote, "dial it back about forty percent." Orton has no one asking him to dial it back.

Cody Rhodes Returns to Brawl with Randy Orton

And finally, comrades, the main event of the evening was not a match but an all-out war! Cody Rhodes arrived at the arena nearly two hours late for work and headed straight for the ring. The Undisputed WWE Champion and Orton brawled all over the ringside area — punches on the announce desk, faces into the ring post, security and road agents being tossed aside like ragdolls. Every time they were pulled apart, one of them would break free and start throwing hands again. And then, just when things could not get more chaotic, Jelly Roll came out to try and play peacemaker, and Orton thanked him with an RKO! Randy then took his leave, laughing like a madman while the fallen Roll writhed in agony and Cody seethed. Comrades, this is the kind of unhinged behavior that reminds me of the annual Dictators' Summit afterparty in 2014, when Kim Jong-un flipped a dessert table and then ran giggling into the night while the rest of us stood there covered in tiramisu. The Road to WrestleMania has never been more dangerous, and I am absolutely here for it.

El Presidente's Final Verdict

Comrades, last night's WWE SmackDown was an outstanding episode of professional wrestling television. The WrestleMania card is shaping up beautifully — we now have Sami Zayn defending the United States Championship against Trick Williams, Jacob Fatu and Drew McIntyre in an Unsanctioned Match, and of course Cody Rhodes versus Randy Orton for the Undisputed WWE Championship. The women's division continues to be absolutely electric with multiple factions colliding, Giulia looking unstoppable, and Rhea Ripley fighting against the odds heading into her showdown with Jade Cargill.

The Sami Zayn title change was the highlight of the night for me, because nothing warms El Presidente's socialist heart quite like a man who was told he had no place at the table punching his way into a seat and then stealing the entire table. Trick Williams' hubris was his undoing, and now he must face the consequences at WrestleMania. There is a lesson here for all aspiring dictators: never gloat until your enemy is in exile, and even then, keep one eye on the border.

The Orton-Rhodes feud continues to escalate in the most satisfying way possible, and the closing brawl was absolute chaos in the best sense. Poor Jelly Roll catching that RKO was the cherry on top of an already explosive sundae. The man won his first WWE match earlier in the night only to end the show flat on his back — truly, wrestling giveth and wrestling taketh away.

I give this episode of WWE SmackDown four out of five revolutionary stars. The only reason it does not receive the full five is that nobody invited El Presidente to appear on the show, despite my repeated letters to WWE headquarters offering to serve as a special guest enforcer for any match of their choosing. I even offered to bring my own folding chair. Their loss, comrades.

And remember, you can watch all of these highlights for free on WWE's YouTube channel, which is the most efficient way to consume all WWE programming. No cable subscription, no streaming service password sharing, no CIA surveillance through your smart TV — just pure, free, socialist-approved wrestling content delivered directly to the people. It is what Marx would have wanted.

Until next time, comrades — keep your eyes on the Road to WrestleMania, and remember: in wrestling and in revolution, the people always win!

Viva la lucha libre! Viva El Presidente!

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