Can Apocalypse Overcome His Erectile Dysfunction? X-Men #14 [XH]

Well, last week was an… interesting week, wasn't it? Believe it or not, Marvel Comics still put out four X-books last week: X-Men, Marauders, Wolverine, and Deadpool. And even though some portion of the proceeds, by way of profits shared with Ike Perlmutter, went to support Donald Trump's reelection campaign, he still lost! Well, I guess Ike's money can go to pay for the legal challenges now. It's a whole new world out there, but it's always the same old @#$% at Marvel. Won't you read about it with me?

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics for lovers of soap opera drama.

Can Apocalypse Overcome His Erectile Dysfunction? X-Men #14 [XH]


The cover to X-Men #14
The cover to X-Men #14

(W) Jonathan Hickman (A) Mahmud Asrar (A/CA) Leinil Francis Yu
The Lovers. A Garden. A chasm of secrets.
Rated T+
In Shops: Nov 04, 2020
SRP: $3.99

X-Men #14 Recap

Apocalypse meets his ex-wife in a garden at the Starlight Citadel. She emasculates the crap out of him by suggesting he'd probably like to talk rather than fight. He agrees.

Can Apocalypse Overcome His Erectile Dysfunction? X-Men #14 [XH]

And now, we get the story of Arakko from the perspective of Genesis. Once upon a time, there was Okkara, and then it was cut in half, and hordes came out of Amenth to attack, so Genesis and the Horsemen pushed through the chasm and sealed it behind them, but Apocalypse stayed behind. There are some nasty rumors as to why.

Genesis says they both know the real reason, but what's important is that the separation was painful and unnatural. Genesis saw that the White Sword and his One Hundred Champions had already gotten a head start and killing the hordes of Amenth. So they built fortresses and were able to live safely inside of them while killing lots of Amenthians for generations.

But staying inside made them arrogant. Genesis didn't believe when the prophet Idyll foresaw the defeat of the mutants and instead went outside the walls and into enemy territory. They did, and eventually, 200 years ago, reached the White Sword, who had changed from living in isolation and resurrecting his champions every day. He slaughtered them, forcing a retreat, and when Genesis and the survivors returned, they found Isca there waiting for them with an offer of parley with Annihilation.

Genesis went to Annihilation's stronghold and found that Amenth had been capturing mutants for thousands of years, bringing them home, and breeding them with Amenthi demons to create hybrid warriors. Genesis battled Annihilation and won, but she didn't realize that by killing the body that wore the helm, she had to wear it after.

Why? Because the helm is the only thing that keeps the demons from consuming everything in existence. Genesis denied wearing it for a hundred years, and the horde nearly destroyed Arakko. Genesis tried to hold out for Apocalypse to build a new mutant society and come to the rescue. Still, when she saw that the Arraki had reopened the chasm to Earth, she had no choice but to put on the helm, conquer Arrako, and then invade Dryador, and here we are now.

Apocalypse tells her to fight it. She says she can't. The desires of the helmet are hers, and she wants to conquer Krakoa. Apocalypse says he built it for all mutants, including her. She says it was built on a soft Earth and soft hands, and Apocalypse is soft.

Can Apocalypse Overcome His Erectile Dysfunction? X-Men #14 [XH]

So this is what, the third or fourth time we've seen this story retold, each time with more truthiness? Is this the final story with all the details? Who knows? Probably not. We'll probably see it retold five more times. There's a lot of extra pages to fill in this crossover, after all.

What I do know is that this entire issue seemed to be one big metaphor for Apocalypse having trouble getting it up. Seriously, with all the drugs the Krakoans make, they can't come up with a mutant version of blue chew? This could all be settled so much more easily without 22 issues and a tournament to the death, apparently, if only Apocalypse could maintain a boner for his wife. And you gotta think it's a mental thing. The dude has the mutant power to manipulate his own molecules. I know what I'd be using that power for if I were him.

But since he can't, or won't, Genesis has to get it from an inanimate object instead, and now she no longer has any use for a man and wants to conquer Krakoa instead. Way to go, Apocalypse! This is all your fault. You and your limp blue dick!

Read more X-ual Healing here:

Can Apocalypse Overcome His Erectile Dysfunction? X-Men #14 [XH]

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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