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Antisocial Thanksgiving: 7 Movies to Clear Your Home After the Big Meal

Published Thu, 28 Nov 2019 14:15:36 -0600

So, you've just partaken in the American tradition of gluttony and indulgence that is Thanksgiving, just gorging yourself on turkey and all sorts of carbs, and then you find yourself faced with the biggest conundrum of all: how to get all of your annoying relatives to clear off! (Or, alternatively, to be asked to leave)

Maybe you're one of those people who actually loves their family or has a noveau "Friendsgiving" with your besties. In that case, do yourselves a favor and go see Knives Out, Ford v. Ferrari or Frozen 2 in a theater, or stay in and introduce a friend to Watchmen or The Mandalorian. But if you're like most people and really want to get rid of some annoying relatives, here are a few suggestions for movies to throw on to help clear people out. Some are good but controversial, and some are very, very, very bad.

1. Midsommar

This is one of the best movies of 2019, but it will absolutely clear out your more squeamish relatives. We start with a suicide, we have the stress of a bad relationship, drug use. . . and that's all before we even get to our weird culty commune.

If your relatives can make it until the May Queen is crowned, then maybe you actually have a cool family and should keep them around. My bet is Aunt Gayle and Uncle Fred bail at the "hammer time" scene. For extra fun, serve leftover pie during the pie-eating scene, and make comments about what body fluids and parts may or may not be in the pies– just like the movie! For extra fun, make sure you put on Ari Astor's extended director's cut and enjoy two and a half hours of the joys of Midsommar.

Also acceptable and even more disturbing for Thanksgiving and family gatherings? Astor's other film, Hereditary.

2. Angry Birds 2

From one of 2019's best films to one of its worst, here's the sequel to a movie no one asked for in the first place. The sequel somehow manages to be even worse, begging the question once again of why anyone thought adapting the Angry Birds game to screen would be worthwhile.

As with many movies on this list, the key to putting them on is to sell them. One of the best ways to do this is to point out their cast. For Angry Birds 2, that includes Jason Sudeikis, Josh Gad, Danny McBride, Maya Rudolph, Tony Hale, Bill Hader, Peter Dinklage, Leslie Jones, Rachel Bloom, Awkwafina, and Sterling K. Brown. How could any movie with that much talent be bad?

This is sure to clear out your home of any adult with an IQ over 60 and also most children. Who exactly is the target audience for this movie again?

3. Mortdecai

Speaking of terrible films absolutely no one asked for, here's Johnny Depp. And. . . I'm not sure what he's trying to do here? Be Peter Sellers? Be Mike Myers? Somehow Depp managed to not be completely cancelled by this movie, which was a bomb of epic proportions that would have sunk anyone else's career. Also should have sunk his career? All that other stuff.

Depp is gross and unfunny, and not just in this movie. Gwyneth Paltrow at Peak Goop is also particularly offputting. Putting this on will clear any room faster than setting off a stink bomb. The problem will be finding a way to show it, as I believe all physical copies were buried in a New Mexico landfill next to all of those copies of the E.T. Atari 2600 game. It's also on Hulu.

4. Entourage: The Movie

Speaking of the worst movies of the last decade and terrible sexual politics, you can also put on this apotheosis of douchedom.

And for those who managed to forget this disaster of a film, I truly apologize for putting it back in your brain. No one will last long at your Thanksgiving gathering after you put this on. But will it be worth it?

5. Ghost Dad

Get out. Just get out.

6. The Snowman

Who doesn't want to watch a holiday movie about a cute snowman? Except this isn't that. It's a murder mystery where the killer stuffs his victims into a snowman and leaves notes for troubled detective Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) — and yes, his name is Harry Hole.

This movie should have been good, but it was just so terrible. And boring. In fact, this one may backfire on you, putting people inadvertently into a turkey coma.

7. The Goldfinch

Also likely to bore people into sleep, 2019's longest film (not an actual fact, it just feels that way) again, it seems like it should work on paper.

Featuring a great cast that had originally gotten Oscar buzz for Nicole Kidman (after seeing this, I have to ask, "From who?") this plodding, inexplicable drama makes us wish we had been blown up in a terrorist attack in the beginning of the film.

8. Good Boys

Here's another example of another good movie that is sure to offend people and be guaranteed for you to be uninvited to your next family gathering. Do you like watching thirteen-year-old boys play with sex toys? It's basically that for 90 minutes. And all sorts of dirty jokes that are exactly the kind actual young teen boys traffic in. Again, Aunt Gayle will get really offended.

9. Jack and Jill — the perfect Thanksgiving treat!

Or Grown Ups 2. Or Pixels. Or basically any Adam Sandler movie from the last few years. The key to this one is to start a mealtime conversation about how good Uncut Gems supposedly is, and maybe it's time to rethink whether Adam Sandler is actually really good? And, it's a Thanksgiving movie! Also, point out that Al Pacino is in this one. And that the whole movie is about how an annoying person won't leave after Thanksgiving. Hint, hint.

And that's it. The thing you can be thankful for this Thanksgiving is you don't have to actually watch any of these terrible movies! (Or, you can watch the good ones with yourself.) If you need other ideas, there's plenty of bad movies out there, and even more disturbing/offputting ones. Just look for Gaspar Noe's most recent. Or Michael Bay's.

Or, go for the real Hail Mary and tell everyone you should watch a classic Disney movie on Disney+. Then, set up a new Disney+ account from scratch as slowly as you can. Then, once it's actually on, just scroll through endless movies and read the descriptions aloud. Then move on to the next one. "Oh, The Cat From Outer Space! 'An offbeat physicist, his girlfriend, and an odds-playing coworker try to help an extraterrestrial cat fix his spaceship before the US Army and a power-hungry businessman can snatch the cat and his out-of-this-world technology.' That sounds great! Or, Herbie Goes Bananas! 'While transporting Herbie from Puerto Vallarta to Brazil for an auto race, things get complicated by a stowaway in Herbie's trunk, an orphan who's stole an Incan treasure map. . . " Keep it going for ten to fifteen minutes just showing everyone how much weird stuff is on Disney+, and never choose anything.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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