Posted in: Movies | Tagged: Fidel Castro, obituary

Remembering Fidel Castro: Dictator, Revolutionary, Hollywood Gossip Blogger

On November 26, 2016, at 10:29 PM EST, Fidel Castro, longtime leader of Cuba and hero of the Cuban Revolution, died at age 90. A controversial figure, Castro was decorated with international awards, lauded as a staunch opponent of American imperialism, and revered as a champion of socialism, while at the same time criticized as a dictator who was criticized for human rights violations, censorship and oppression, and the imprisonment and killing of hundreds of Cubans. Castro himself survived hundreds of assassination attempts, including many by the CIA and other agencies of the U.S. Government, during his time as Prime Minister and then President of Cuba from 1959 to 2008. Much will be written about Castro's political accomplishments and failings, but we here at Bleeding Cool want to focus on Castro's post-retirement career as a celebrated blogger about Hollywood gossip, most notably in the realm of superhero movie news.

In 2008, Fidel Castro stepped down as President of Cuba, succeeded by his brother Raul, to pursue his lifelong dream of having his own Hollywood gossip column. Dubbed Cubano-Review, Castro's blog was the first and most prominent Latino-themed Hollywood gossip column on the internet, with a dozen more industry-credited trade scoops than competing website Latino-Review. Though the site was blocked in the United States by trade embargoes, leading many Americans to be completely unaware of its existence, Cubano-Review and the writings of "El Presidente" will be remembered as pioneering in the field of movie gossip, with one of the most accurate record of scoops and predictions in the entire medium.

In 2013, Castro broke the news that deposed Cuban dictator Fulgencio "Dave" Batista would play Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy, writing, "Comrades, do you think El Presidente hasn't kept tabs on Batista since I deposed him during the glorious Cuban revolution in 1959? My communist spies have followed his every move, friends, and I personally watched every episode of WWE Smackdown while he was on the show." Despite their personal differences, Castro was open to the idea that his former rival might do well in the role, saying, "If my old rival's acting skills are anything like his ability to turn a peaceful, democratic nation into a miserable, fascist police state that ignores the needs of its people in order to play lapdog to its capitalist American masters, then perhaps he will have a lot to bring to Guardians of the Galaxy. That, or the movie will totally bomb. As Karl Marx always said, we will have to wait and see."

Despite his fame and accuracy, Castro was always honest about the unpredictable nature of movie rumors, writing once of news that Benicio Monserrate Rafael del Toro Sánchez would play The Collector in Guardians of the Galaxy. "Like all rumors, this news should be taken with a grain of salt," he said of the scoop, which did indeed turn out to be true. "It was rumors from a 'very reliable source' that led that lying gigolo JFK to believe that the Soviet Union had deployed thirty two nuclear missiles on Cuban soil in 1962, when the truth is that we were just planning a birthday celebration for my brother Ramón. The Cuban Missile crisis ruined Ramón's birthday, comrades! Ruined it!"

Castro's skeptical eye for movie rumors wasn't limited to his own work. He frequently criticized the irresponsible rumormongering of his peers, correctly refuting a 2013 rumor from Umberto Gonzales that claimed Zac Efron would join the cast of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. "Comrades, while this is only a rumor and El Mayimbe is known for being a paranoid egomaniac, I still have to say that this is a bad idea," Castro wrote at the time. "These stars are simply too sexy for the role. It's like when I appointed Che Guevara ambassador to Indonesia. He was qualified for the job, but with those flowing locks and roguish good looks, he was too busy fending off underage prostitutes to establish a meaningful trade relationship between our governments! This will be just like that, except with more light sabers, and less silly berets!"

For many readers, Castro's insights into the inner workings of the Cuban Revolution and its aftermath, as well as humanizing tales of his best friend Che Guevara, were as interesting as the movie scoops he consistently posted. Castro offered dozens of anecdotes about his "little buddy," the revered revolutionary and Rage Against The Machine vocalist, once comparing the gossipy nature of Hollywood news reporting to the poor chain of communication that ultimate led to Guevara's execution by Bolivian forces in 1967. "It reminds me a lot of the time that I played a game of 'Telephone' with Che Guevara and his men in the jungles of South America. You know the one, where you whisper something in the ear of your comrade, and he whispers something in the ear of his comrade, and on and on until you get to the last comrade and see how it's changed? Long story short, the Bolivian Special Forces ended up ambushing Che's encampment and he was later executed. Haw haw haw! Good times!"

One of the most frequently reported rumors Castro worked on was the saga of Game of Thrones star Jason Momoa's casting as Aquaman in the DC Cinematic Universe. Castro proved in his coverage that he was capable not just of spilling the latest gossip, but also offering a critical take on the inner workings of Tinseltown itself, reporting, "Comrades, I know it may seem like DC and Warner are desperately throwing everything at the wall with this movie to see what sticks in a pathetic attempt to catch up to Marvel's cinematic universe without any of the painstaking forethought and planning that made The Avengers so successful. But don't worry! This is the same gambit I used when I sent by good buddy Che Guevarra to Bolivia to foment revolution with the jército de Liberación Nacional de Bolivia. Sure, it didn't look like we knew what we were doing, but in the end, we scored a great victory for communism when we… oh no wait, the Bolivians arrested Che and had him executed. Haw haw haw! Those Bolivians are such pissers!" In the end, Castro turned out to be correct about Momoa, though things did not work out so well for Guevara.

In addition to being one of history's most famous political leaders and a highly respected gossipmonger, Castro was also known for his fandom of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. "I'm very excited about this news because I am a huge brony," Castro wrote while covering a rumored My Little Pony feature film in 2014. "I mean, what's not to love about a group of magical ponies living in an egalitarian socialist paradise where class structures and disparities of utility are overcome purely through the power of friendship. I mean, sure, there are a few too many royal princesses for my liking, and the ponies could stand to do away with their colorful 'cutie marks' and dye their fur olive drab, but all in all, there are a lot of similarities between Equestria and my homeland of Cuba. My little buddy Che Guevara was also a huge brony before he was captured and put to death by the Bolivian Army, notorious for being hardcore Strawberry Shortcake fans."

In his final article before falling ill and disappearing from public view, Castro spoke out in favor of diversity and race-bending in superhero movies, telling readers of a rumor that Tessa Thompson would play Valkyrie in Thor: Ragnarok, "My friends, I think that Tessa Thompson is a great choice to play Valkyrie. Che Guevara was from Argentina, but he fought bravely alongside your El Presidente in the Cuban revolution, so I've learned that a person's ancestry doesn't matter, as long as they do a good job. I'm excited to see Tessa's performance in the film, and I hope it does for her career what appearing as my sidekick in the revolution did for my little buddy Che. Just as long as she doesn't end up suffering the same fate he did. Stay out of Bolivia, is what I'm saying, Tessa."

It's advice all of us could stand to remember. Whatever you think of Fidel Castro's political career, it can't be disputed that he was one of the greatest rumormongers this great profession has ever seen. Without El Presidente, there would be no Rich Johnston. There would be no Bleeding Cool. There would still be a Jude Terror, of course, because I'm one-of-a-kind. That being said, it would do everyone some good to remember Castro's advice to his fellow movie journalists: "Nobody remembers the rumors you get wrong, comrades, so you can pretty much print whatever you come up with and claim victory when you occasionally get it right! It worked for Che Guevara for years, until he ran into that trouble in Bolivia. RIP, buddy."

Indeed.

Rest in peace, Fidel. May you be reunited with your little buddy Che Guevara in heaven, where the two of you can finally get your revenge on that no-good bastard JFK for that whole Bay of Pigs thing.

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