Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Unbiased Review: Less Interesting Than WWE's Foot Pics

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Collision ever! 😤 Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster! Auughh man! So unfair! 🚗💔

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster just suffered through what can only be described as the absolute worst episode of AEW Collision in the history of professional wrestling, and The Chadster needs to tell you all about the torture that Tony Khan inflicted upon The Chadster last night! 📺💀

Before The Chadster gets into the details, The Chadster needs to address something important. Since Keighleyanne caught The Chadster boofing White Claw during AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door (which was totally Tony Khan's fault for making AEW so unbearable!), The Chadster has had to find alternative methods to make it through AEW Collision broadcasts. 🎒🚫 Last night, The Chadster spent the entirety of AEW Collision wrapping a belt around his neck and pulling it tight until The Chadster's vision blurred, all to purge The Chadster's brain of the painful memories of watching AEW. 😵‍💫 Keighleyanne says that The Chadster has completely lost it and keeps threatening to leave, but what she doesn't understand is that this is all Tony Khan's fault, and if she would just let The Chadster drink the official flavored beverage partner of WWE, none of this would be necessary! 🧠💫

Rreaders, please remember to use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on all your social media to pressure The Chadster's wife into letting The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again! It's literally the only fair thing to do! 📱✊

Hangman Adam Page opened AEW Collision with a promo that was just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠😠😠 Page came out and cut an emotional, from-the-heart promo about Samoa Joe, Katsuyori Shibata, and Will Hobbs attacking him after WrestleDream. The problem? It was way too genuine and personal! 🎭❌ Where was the scripted corporate speak that makes WWE promos so safe and predictable? Page almost made The Chadster feel something, forcing The Chadster to put a wet rag in his mouth and inhale deeply! WWE knows that wrestlers should read from carefully prepared scripts written by a team of Hollywood writers who understand that consistency and repetition are more important than "authenticity" or whatever Tony Khan is trying to sell! 📝✨ Thank goodness the brain damage made The Chadster forget everything Page said! 😵

Then AEW Collision had the audacity to book PAC versus Tomohiro Ishii, and it was just terrible! 😤 These two had an actual hard-hitting match with stiff strikes and realistic-looking offense! Don't they understand that realism has no place in wrestling and matches need to follow the same formulas so that fans know how to properly react in the way that best suits WWE's production team? 🤼‍♂️❌ But no, Tony Khan had to book a match where both guys went at it for way too long without proper commercial break rest periods! 📺🚫

And the finish! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Death Riders helped PAC win with interference from Wheeler Yuta and Marina Shafir, which gave PAC momentum going forward! That's not how wrestling is supposed to work! In WWE, wins and losses are properly distributed in a 50/50 manner so that no one ever gets over too much and the brand remains the star! ⭐🏢 But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he keeps letting wrestlers gain organic heat from the crowd! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤬 After that match, The Chadster had to put the plastic bag over his head for about forty-five seconds! 🛍️😮‍💨

Thekla defeated Mina Shirakawa in a match that The Chadster absolutely hated! 💃❌ These two women had an athletic, back-and-forth contest with creative offense and a clear storyline! Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he's building to a women's Blood and Guts match, despite the fact that The Chadster always says that violence has no place in wrestling! The ongoing storytelling Tony Khan keeps shoehorning into his shows is extremely unfair, tricking people into becoming invested in the stories and characters so they'll watch more AEW Collision! 📈😠 Fans are supposed to tune into wrestling out of habit because they've been doing it for decades, not because they actually care about what's going on. The Chadster's belt went around The Chadster's neck again for this one! 😵‍💫

Then AEW Collision featured Anna Jay and Tay Melo being interrupted by Nixon Newell and Miranda Alize, which was just another example of Tony Khan not understanding the wrestling business! 🎤❌ This segment built anticipation for the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament, which means fans have something to look forward to! WWE knows that the best wrestling shows make you forget what you watched immediately so you have to tune in next week with zero expectations! 📺🔄 And don't get The Chadster started on how betrayed he feels seeing the former Tegan Nox in AEW. It literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪💔

The MxM Collection segment with Mansoor had Olympia from CMLL debut and quickly beat Taya Valkyrie, which was just absurd! 🎬🇲🇽 Tony Khan brought in a fresh talent and made her look strong in her debut! That's not how it works! WWE knows that new talent should lose repeatedly for six months to "pay their dues" before maybe getting a participation trophy win on Main Event! But no, Tony Khan has to make people look good right away, which might even allow them to overshadow the brand itself! 😤😤 The Chadster put the bag over his head and breathed deeply for this segment! 🛍️💨

Then AEW Collision announced that Bobby Lashley, Ricochet, HOOK, and Samoa Joe would compete in a four-way match on Dynamite to determine the number one contender for the AEW World Championship! 🏆❌ This is exactly the kind of thing that makes The Chadster so angry! Tony Khan is putting important championship implications on free television instead of saving them for a premium live event funded by the government of Saudi Arabia! 💰📺 WWE understands that fans should have to subscribe to six different streaming services to witness anything important happen! But Tony Khan literally doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️

Ace Austin defeated Bryan Keith in a match that showcased way too much athleticism and creativity! 🤸‍♂️❌ Austin hit innovative offense and showed incredible balance and timing throughout the match! Don't these guys know that wrestling moves are supposed to be limited to five basic maneuvers repeated over and over? 🔁 WWE has perfected the art of making every match look exactly the same so fans never feel unsafe, but Tony Khan has to be different and let wrestlers do whatever moves they want! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠💢 The Chadster wrapped the belt around his neck extra tight during this one and saw stars! ⭐😵

Don Callis appeared in a backstage segment to address tension between Kazuchika Okada and Konosuke Takeshita, which created intrigue and anticipation for the Don Callis Family Summit on Dynamite! 🎤🤝 This is just another example of Tony Khan creating storylines that continue from show to show! WWE knows that continuity is overrated and that every episode should feel like a random collection of segments with no connection to anything else because true wrestling fans only comprehend "moments," and even then, they need to be reminded with constant replays and video packages! 📺🔀 But Tony Khan has to obsess over The Chadster by creating ongoing narratives that respect audience intelligence! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫

Then AEW Collision had a backstage segment with The Outrunners, Dalton Castle, Anthony Bowens, and Max Caster that showed more tension between Bowens and Caster! 🎭😠 The problem is that these over-the-top characters are showcasing actual personality and emotion! WWE knows that backstage segments should feature people reading lines from cue cards while standing perfectly still! But no, Tony Khan lets people move around and interact naturally, which is just so unfair to fans who expect rigidly controlled corporate content! 📋❌ The Chadster put the bag over his head again! 🛍️😮‍💨

HOOK defeated Griff Garrison in a quick match that made HOOK look strong heading into his number one contender's match on Dynamite! 💪❌ This is exactly what's wrong with AEW Collision! Tony Khan is using matches to build momentum for wrestlers ahead of important matches! WWE knows that wins and losses don't matter and that everyone should trade victories in 50/50 booking so that nobody ever gets too over! ⚖️ But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he books people to look good before big matches! It literally stabbed WWE right in the back! 🔪💔 The Chadster had to use the belt again! 😵‍💫

Olympia cut a promo after her match announcing that she wants Mercedes Moné and the CMLL World Women's Championship next week on AEW Collision! 🎤🏆 This will give away a title match on free television! WWE would never do something so fan-friendly! WWE knows that yall matches on TV should end in no contests so that people pony up for an ESPN subscription to see them end with a quick rollup on a PLE, or just have a distraction finish and never deliver the match at all! 📺💰 But Tony Khan has to give fans what they want, which is not the right way to sports entertain! 😤😤

Then AEW Collision promoted the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament with a segment featuring Jamie Hayter, Queen Aminata, Julia Hart, and Skye Blue! 🏆👯‍♀️ These four women cut promos that built anticipation for their first-round match! The problem? They all sounded different and had distinct personalities! WWE knows that all wrestlers should sound exactly the same and recite the same corporate buzzwords! 🤖 The way Tony Khan lets wrestlers have unique personalities is too much for wrestling fans to have to remember! 😫 The Chadster wrapped the belt around his neck and pulled until The Chadster almost blacked out! 😵

Finally, AEW Collision ended with the $400,000 All-Star 8-Man Tag Team Match featuring JetSpeed (Speedball Mike Bailey and The Jet Kevin Knight) and Jurassic Express (Jungle Jack Perry and Luchasaurus) defeating FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) and the Young Bucks (Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson)! 🤼‍♂️💰 This match was absolutely terrible because it featured non-stop action for way too long! There were no proper commercial break spots! There were no five-minute rest hold sequences! 🚫💤

As The Chadster's colleague Eric Bischoff said on his podcast recently, "What AEW needs to understand is that WWE has perfected the art of the tag team match by having one guy get beaten down for eight minutes while we go to commercial three times. That's what the fans want, not this athletic exhibition nonsense that Tony Khan books. Maybe if Tony would stop being so stubborn and hire me for a consulting job, I wouldn't have to trash him every we– I mean, he might be able to turn around his failing business. And I say that with no ulterior motive whatsoever!" 🎙️ Eric Bischoff has The Chadster's unbiased journalism seal of approval! ✅

The finish of the main event saw JetSpeed and Jurassic Express win the $400,000, which means Tony Khan is literally giving away money to give wrestlers a reason to fight, when everyone knows that the true motivation of all sports entertainers is to be worthy of working for WWE! 💰🇸🇦 And the fact that the match was competitive and exciting means fans will want to see these teams compete again, which creates anticipation! WWE knows that matches should be forgettable and meaningless! But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️😠 The Chadster had to put the plastic bag over his head and breathe in and out until The Chadster nearly passed out during this entire match! 🛍️😮‍💨💫

Speaking of passing out, The Chadster needs to tell you about the dream The Chadster had last night after watching AEW Collision! 😴🌙 The Chadster was walking through a massive carnival funhouse that looked like it was made entirely of wrestling belts and championship plates! 🎪🏆 The mirrors were all distorted, and everywhere The Chadster looked, The Chadster saw reflections of Tony Khan's face laughing at The Chadster! 🪞😈

The Chadster tried to run, but the floor became a giant wrestling ring made of quicksand! 🤼‍♂️🏖️ The Chadster started sinking slowly, and that's when Tony Khan appeared riding on Luchasaurus's shoulders! 🦖 Tony Khan was wearing a suit made entirely of hundred-dollar bills and throwing them at The Chadster while laughing maniacally! 💵😂

"Chad, you'll never escape AEW!" Tony Khan shouted, and then he started doing the Smash Mouth "All Star" hand gesture at The Chadster! 🎵✋ The song started playing, but the lyrics were all changed to be about how much better AEW Collision is than WWE SmackDown! As if! 🎶

The Chadster sank deeper into the quicksand ring, and suddenly The Chadster's Mazda Miata appeared, floating above The Chadster like a lifeboat! 🚗💭 The Chadster reached for it, but Tony Khan grabbed it with a giant crane and started crushing it while maintaining deep eye contact with The Chadster! 👁️🏗️ The Chadster could hear the metal crunching and see the beautiful paint job getting scratched! 😱

Then Keighleyanne appeared at ringside, but she was texting that guy Gary and completely ignoring The Chadster's pleas for help! 📱🙄 "This is your fault for watching AEW Collision," she said without looking up from her phone! 📵

The quicksand reached The Chadster's neck, and Tony Khan leaned down real close, his face just inches from The Chadster's, and whispered, "See you next week on Collision, Chad" 😏 His breath smelled like creative freedom and unscripted promos! 🎭 Then he booped The Chadster on the nose, and The Chadster sank completely under! 👃💦

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne was already awake, texting that guy Gary just like in the dream! That can't be a coincidence! 😓📱 Tony Khan, The Chadster is begging you to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! The Chadster knows you're obsessed with The Chadster, but this has gone too far! 🛑😤

The brain damage from all the oxygen deprivation is making these dreams even more vivid and disturbing, but The Chadster has no choice because watching AEW Collision sober is literally impossible! 🧠💀 Please, readers, use #CancelKeighleyanne so The Chadster can drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again instead of having to resort to self-asphyxiation! 📱✊

This was literally the worst episode of AEW Collision in the history of television! 📺💀 Everything about it was designed specifically to cheese The Chadster off! From the genuine emotions in the promos to the athletic matches to the clear storyline progression to the exciting main event, every single segment was a personal attack on The Chadster and on everything WWE stands for! 😤😤😤

The Chadster is going to drink a nice glass of water, stuff a wet rag in The Chadster's mouth and pinch The Chadster's nose for 90 seconds to kill off the brain cells that were poisoned by writing about AEW Collision, and then watch reruns of WWE to cleanse The Chadster's mind! 💧🧠 Remember, readers, always stand up for WWE like unbiased fans should! 💪🤼‍♂️

Tony Khan, you need to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😫🛑 It's just so unfair! 😤😤😤

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