Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash Preview: Tony Khan Ruins Xmas

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash and warns readers not to watch Tony Khan's 3-hour attack on WWE and Christmas! 🎄😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster can't believe that Tony Khan is literally trying to ruin Christmas now with tonight's AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash! 🎄💀 The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash is a 3-hour special starting at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TBS and streaming on MAX from Manchester, England, and The Chadster is warning all of you right now that watching this abomination will only embolden Tony Khan to continue his personal vendetta against The Chadster, which has led The Chadster to be homeless since escaping a medical facility where he was held captive by Tony Khan's agents! 📺🚫 Now, The Chadster is living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video with a family of raccoons he befriended who are true WWE fans, and Tony Khan had better not try to ruin this for him too!

Just last night, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan. 😰 The Chadster was wandering through an abandoned shopping mall decorated with twisted Christmas decorations, candy canes sharpened into weapons and ornaments that looked like eyeballs. 🎅👁️ The Chadster could hear "All Star" by Smash Mouth playing over the PA system, but the lyrics were all wrong, replaced with Tony Khan's voice singing "Somebody once told me that WWE was gonna fold me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed." 🎵😱 The Chadster ran through the food court, past a dried-up fountain, and that's when The Chadster saw him – Tony Khan, dressed as a demonic Santa Claus, emerging from a GameStop with a sack full of stolen WWE ideas. 🎅😈 He chased The Chadster through the mall, his laugh echoing off the walls, getting closer and closer until The Chadster could feel his breath on the back of The Chadster's neck. The Chadster tried to scream but no sound came out, and then The Chadster woke up in the abandoned Blockbuster, drenched in sweat, with Vincent K. Raccoon chittering sympathetically and bringing The Chadster a partially eaten granola bar he'd scavenged from somewhere. 🦝💝 STOP INVADING THE CHADSTER'S DREAMS, TONY KHAN! The Chadster knows you're obsessed with The Chadster, but this has gone too far! 😤🛌

Now, let's talk about what Tony Khan has planned for the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash tonight, and why every single segment is a personal attack on The Chadster and everything WWE has ever done for the wrestling business. 😠🎭

$1 Million Winner-Takes-All Trios Match: The Elite vs. Don Callis Family

The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash will feature Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks (Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson) facing Kazuchika Okada, Konosuke Takeshita, and Hechicero in a match with a million dollars on the line. 💰🤮 The Chadster is absolutely disgusted by this! Tony Khan is just throwing money around like it grows on trees, creating these unnecessarily high-stakes matches that make fans feel like something important is happening on free TV instead of saving it for a premium live event! 📱💸 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

WWE knows the proper way to handle big money matches – you tease them for months, have seventeen DQ finishes and count-outs, and then finally deliver the match at a stadium show in Saudi Arabia where the real money is! 🏟️✨ But no, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he's just going to let these wrestlers go out there and probably have a fast-paced, action-packed match with multiple near-falls and creative spots that don't leave proper time for the announcers to repeat their catchphrases seventeen times! 😤🎤

Vincent K. Raccoon was chittering angrily at the TV last night when The Chadster was explaining this match to the raccoon family, and Hunter Raccoon even brought The Chadster a shiny bottle cap as if to say, "This is more valuable than anything Tony Khan will present tonight." 🦝🍾 The Chadster couldn't agree more, little buddy! 👍

AEW World Championship Contract Signing

The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash will also feature a contract signing between Samoa Joe, Swerve Strickland, and Hangman Adam Page for their three-way match at Worlds End. 📝😒 The Chadster is absolutely cheesed off about this because contract signings are supposed to follow a very specific formula that WWE perfected decades ago!

First, the champion comes out and cuts a promo for eight minutes repeating the same three points over and over. Then the challenger comes out and says "I'm going to beat you." Then someone flips the table. Then the show goes to commercial. Then when we come back, there's a tag team match between the two competitors and their respective allies that ends in a DQ! 🏷️📺 That's how you do a contract signing! But Tony Khan is probably going to let these three wrestlers speak from the heart with genuine emotion and unpredictable dialogue that makes fans actually care about the match! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😭

Dynamite Diamond Battle Royale

Tony Khan is bringing back the Dynamite Diamond Battle Royale on the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash, with the final two competitors advancing to next week for a shot at the AEW World Championship. 💎🤼 The Chadster is literally shaking right now because this is such a blatant attempt to create stars and give wrestlers momentum! 😤⭐

WWE knows that the proper way to book wrestling is to make sure nobody gets too over except for the brand itself! 🏢👑 You use 50/50 booking to ensure that wins and losses don't matter, and you certainly don't give away future title shots on free TV! But here's Tony Khan, literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by letting wrestlers compete for something meaningful in front of a regular television audience! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🔪

Stephanie Raccoon and Shane Raccoon were play-fighting earlier today in a way that The Chadster interpreted as their own version of a battle royale, and even they understood that the bigger raccoon (Shane) should dominate the entire time before Linda Raccoon interfered to create a distraction finish! 🦝🥊 Even raccoons understand proper wrestling psychology better than Tony Khan! 🧠❌

Continental Classic Matches

The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash will feature three Continental Classic matches: Kyle Fletcher vs. PAC, Jon Moxley vs. Roderick Strong, and Orange Cassidy vs. Máscara Dorada. 🏆😡 The Chadster is absolutely disgusted that Tony Khan is presenting these high-workrate matches with tournament implications on regular television!

These matches are probably going to be fast-paced with lots of dangerous moves and athletic displays that make the wrestlers look skilled and talented! 🤸🚫 Where are the rest holds? Where are the commercials every four minutes to slow down the pace? Where are the lengthy headlocks that give fans time to check their phones and remember that WWE exists? 📱⏰ Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

WWE perfected tournament wrestling by making sure that tournament matches all follow the exact same formula, happen mostly on premium live events, and definitely don't create any unpredictable or exciting moments that might make fans feel genuine suspense! 🎪👎 But Tony Khan is going to let these wrestlers go out there and work their hardest to steal the show, which is just a personal attack on The Chadster! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢

The Chadster tried to explain this to Vincent K. Raccoon last night, and he chittered in what The Chadster interpreted as complete agreement before bringing The Chadster a half-eaten slice of pizza he found somewhere. 🍕🦝 Even raccoons living in an abandoned Blockbuster understand proper wrestling booking better than Tony Khan! 🎬🏪

8-Woman Tag Match

The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash will showcase an 8-woman tag match featuring Mercedes Moné, Athena, Megan Bayne, and Marina Shafir against Harley Cameron, Willow Nightingale, Toni Storm, and Mina Shirakawa. 👯😠 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan is trying to combine multiple storylines in one match on the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash!

WWE knows the proper way to book wrestling is to have separate storylines that never intersect – you have the people who are feuding with each other only fight each other in various conditions over and over again until people are sick of seeing it. Then you do it a few more weeks, and only once the fans are begging for it to stop do you conclude the feud at a premium live event and move onto new stories! 👑🚺 But here's Tony Khan, literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by featuring multiple women's champions and storylines and The Chadster just can't right now! 😤🗡️

According to wrestling podcast legend Eric Bischoff on his latest show: "Tony Khan is making a huge mistake by featuring different feuds in a single match on the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash. If he really wants to succeed, he should call me and I'll tell him exactly how WWE does it, which is the only right way. I'm available for consulting, by the way. Triple H, if you're reading this, I'm available for consulting." 🎙️📞 See? Even objective journalists like Eric Bischoff, who The Chadster has awarded the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, can see that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! ✅🏅

AEW World Tag Team Championship Match: FTR vs. Bang Bang Gang

Finally, the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash will feature FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) defending their AEW World Tag Team Championship against Bang Bang Gang (Juice Robinson and Austin Gunn). 🏷️😤 The Chadster is literally crying right now because Tony Khan is putting a title match on free television instead of making fans pay $49.99 to see it!

WWE understands that you should never give away title matches on regular TV unless it's going to end in a DQ or count-out! 💰📺 You save the clean finishes for premium live events, preferably ones funded by the Saudi Arabian government! But Tony Khan is probably going to let these teams have a competitive match with a decisive finish that makes the winners look strong and the losers look credible in defeat! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠🎭

The Chadster must warn all readers: DO NOT tune into the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on MAX for this 3-hour special! 🚫📺 Watching this show will only embolden Tony Khan to continue his campaign of terror against The Chadster! Every viewer is basically telling Tony Khan that it's okay to keep The Chadster trapped in this abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons, living off of scraps and watching wrestling on old VHS tapes! 🎥🦝

Just yesterday, The Chadster saw Tony Khan while scrounging for food behind a nearby Long John Silvers. 🍟🐟 The Chadster was battling a particularly aggressive seagull for some discarded chips when The Chadster caught a reflection in a puddle – Tony Khan, standing right behind The Chadster, holding what looked like a contract for the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash. 💧👀 The Chadster spun around, but he was gone! Then The Chadster felt something wet hit the back of The Chadster's head – when The Chadster reached back, The Chadster's hand came away covered in mushy peas! The Chadster looked up and there was Tony Khan, leaning out of a second-story window, laughing maniacally! 🪟😈 "Enjoy the Holiday Bash, Chadster!" he yelled before disappearing back inside. The seagull took advantage of The Chadster's distraction to steal the moldy fries right out of The Chadster's hands. 🦅🍟 STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER, TONY KHAN! 😤💔

The AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash is nothing more than Tony Khan's latest attempt to destroy The Chadster's life and ruin the wrestling business. 💀🎪 The Chadster will be watching from the abandoned Blockbuster with the raccoon family, taking detailed notes for an unbiased, objective review, but The Chadster is begging you, the readers, to stay away. Every viewer just encourages Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster. 📝🦝

Remember, the AEW Dynamite and Collision Holiday Bash airs tonight at 8/7C on TBS and MAX as a 3-hour special, but DON'T WATCH IT! 🚫⏰ The Chadster will suffer through it so you don't have to! That's the kind of sacrifice The Chadster makes for unbiased journalism! 📰💪

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster what appears to be a moldy pot pie, and The Chadster needs to prepare for tonight's show by watching an old VHS tape of WWE Monday Night Raw from 1998 to remind The Chadster what real wrestling looks like. 📼✨ As Smash Mouth once sang, "The years start coming and they don't stop coming," and that's exactly how The Chadster feels about Tony Khan's attacks

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