Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: How Tony Khan Ruined The Chadster's Life

The Chadster reviews AEW Dynamite from Pittsburgh, explains how oxygen deprivation protects from Tony Khan's booking, and why Keighleyanne triggered his booby traps!

The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan had the audacity to bring AEW Dynamite to Pittsburgh last night, which is basically The Chadster's backyard! 😡 The Chadster lives just a short drive away in Punxsutawney, and Tony Khan knows this! He's literally stalking The Chadster at this point! How is he allowed to keep getting away with this?! Auughh man! So unfair! 🤬

Since Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster enjoy any Seagram's Escapes Spiked (thanks to Tony Khan ruining The Chadster's life), The Chadster had to find another way to protect himself from AEW's poison while watching last night's AEW Dynamite. The Chadster recently discovered that oxygen deprivation kills brain cells and makes The Chadster even more receptive to WWE's superior programming than usual, so The Chadster kicked off the night by holding his breath until he passed out, waking up just in time to catch the start of the show in the proper state of mind, or at least as close as possible, to endure Tony Khan's tortuous booking! 🧠💀

Adam Page opened the show talking about his match with Kyle Fletcher and defending against Lee Moriarty later in an open challenge. The Chadster held his breath for 45 seconds during this promo because Page was talking like a normal human being, sounding natural and relatable! 😵 In WWE, the wrestlers know how to recite words from a script written by proper TV writers, and everything they say puts over the brand as the true draw. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan lets wrestlers show their own personality!

Moving on, the tag title match between Brodido and GOA was way too athletic! The Chadster had to put a plastic bag over his head for 60 seconds when Brody King lifted both opponents on his shoulders! 😮‍💨 Don't these guys understand that tag team wrestling should be methodical and follow a strict formula? Ricochet interfering and getting caught by the referee was terrible – in WWE, referees are always looking in the other direction so the heels can interfere and make sure nobody comes out looking too strong! That's real wrestling!

Page defended against Moriarty in a match that was criminally fast-paced! The Chadster hyperventilated into a paper bag to make himself dizzy during this! 🤢 Moriarty actually got offense in against the champion – doesn't Tony Khan understand champions should squash lower-tier talent? Plus, Page sold his injuries from the previous match! Continuity has no place in wrestling! Wrestling fans can only comprehend singular moments in time, or video packages.

The Adam Copeland segment with Christian Cage was emotional storytelling that respects viewer intelligence – exactly what wrestling shouldn't be! 🙄 The Chadster did jumping jacks while holding his breath to combat this! WWE would never let a storyline breathe like this without immediately rushing to the next segment with loud music!

FTR and Big Stoke cut a promo that Willow Nightingale interrupted, followed by JetSpeed making the save. The Chadster pressed a pillow against his face during this segment! 😤 The way Willow stood up to the heels and got the crowd invested was completely wrong! WWE knows that segments should end with heels standing tall to build heat for months without payoff!

MJF's video package showing actual character development made The Chadster so angry! The Chadster dunked his head in the bathtub for 90 seconds! 💦 Wrestlers shouldn't evolve or show vulnerability – they should repeat the same catchphrases every week and put over the brand like WWE properly teaches them!

The trios match with The Conglomeration beating The Don Callis Family featured a returning Orange Cassidy as the telegraphed mystery partner, Mark Briscoe, and Hologram doing way too many exciting moves! The Chadster had to wrap his belt around his neck and pull tight for 45 seconds! 😵‍💫 Kazuchika Okada literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by appearing on this show! The match had a clean finish too – where were the DQ's and countouts to protect everyone?

Claudio Castagnoli versus Powerhouse Hobbs was two big men actually wrestling instead of just doing rest holds! The Chadster did a headstand against the wall until he saw stars! ⭐ The post-match with multiple factions brawling was chaotic – WWE would properly have security break it up immediately to maintain order!

Tony Khan announcing the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship is ridiculous! The Chadster choked himself with his own hands during this! 🤚 Creating new titles for the women's division to have more opportunities? How can The Chadster continue to brag that WWE's women's division is better if Tony Khan keeps improving AEW's while WWE pays less and less attention to their own?!

The main event with Kris Statlander defending against Mina Shirakawa was the final straw! The Chadster had to get Keighleyanne's yoga straps and… well, let's just say The Chadster saw the white light! 😇 Then Statlander rejected The Death Riders and Darby Allin came out with a flamethrower! A FLAMETHROWER! The Chadster passed out completely!

As Kevin Nash said on his podcast yesterday, "Tony Khan needs to understand that wrestling is about making money for the company, not entertaining fans with spectacular moments they'll remember forever. That's why I always protected my spot and took minimal bumps – it's called being a professional, something AEW wrestlers don't understand." 🎙️ Nash gets it! He clearly deserves the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! The Chadster wonders if Tony Khan torments Nash's dreams too for his commitment to objective journalism! 😰

After AEW Dynamite ended, The Chadster knew Tony Khan would try to drop by The Chadster's house since he was so close! The Chadster set up paint cans on strings, micro machines on the stairs, and a blowtorch attached to the door, inspired by a movie The Chadster saw one time! 🏠 But at 1AM, it was Keighleyanne who triggered everything when she came home from her "important friendship meeting" with that guy Gary at the Holiday Inn! She was covered in paint and absolutely furious! She said The Chadster was "completely unhinged" and "needs professional help!"

Can you believe that? Tony Khan made The Chadster booby trap the house, and now Keighleyanne is even angrier! She's back to texting Gary RIGHT NOW and won't even look at The Chadster! Tony Khan is literally destroying The Chadster's marriage! 💔

This was objectively the worst episode of AEW Dynamite ever! Too much workrate, logical storytelling, and crowd investment! The Chadster is going to choke himself out one more time and then watch WWE NXT reruns where properly scripted promos and predictable booking will cleanse The Chadster's mind! 📺

Remember, true wrestling fans always stand up for WWE! And Tony Khan – LEAVE THE CHADSTER ALONE! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and stop RUINING THE CHADSTER'S LIFE! The Chadster just wants to enjoy wrestling the right way – the WWE way! 😭🙏

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!