Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Tony Khan Ruined The Chadster's Thanksgiving

The Chadster reviews AEW Dynamite from a bridge in Punxsutawney while fighting turkeys for food. Tony Khan has literally ruined Thanksgiving! So unfair! 🦃😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster has to write about last night's AEW Dynamite from a makeshift shelter underneath a bridge in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where The Chadster has been hiding ever since The Chadster escaped from that medical facility where Tony Khan's agents were holding The Chadster prisoner last weekend. 🏥🚨 The Chadster is literally typing this on a phone The Chadster stole from a tourist, huddled under some cardboard boxes for warmth while Tony Khan's agents – disguised as local police officers – patrol the streets looking for The Chadster. 🥶📱

Just this morning, The Chadster had to fight a raccoon for half a discarded turkey sandwich behind a Wawa. 🦝🥪 The Chadster won, but barely, and now The Chadster has bite marks all over The Chadster's hands. Yesterday, it was a feral cat that tried to steal The Chadster's sleeping bag, and the day before that, a particularly aggressive groundhog tried to claim The Chadster's shelter as its own territory. 🐱🦫 The Chadster is living like an animal, all because Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he's turned The Chadster's own wife, Keighleyanne, against The Chadster! The Chadster can't even go home because Keighleyanne is probably texting that guy Gary right now, telling him about how she helped Tony Khan set The Chadster up! 😡📵

And now, on Thanksgiving, when The Chadster should be preparing to enjoy a nice holiday meal and watching WWE Survivor Series reruns (remember that time Bobby the Brain Heenan drew a turkey on the replay screen?), The Chadster has to suffer through reviewing the worst episode of AEW Dynamite ever aired! 🦃💀

Kyle Fletcher Defeats Kazuchika Okada in Continental Classic Gold League Match

The show opened with Kyle Fletcher defeating Kazuchika Okada, the reigning AEW Unified Champion, in their Continental Classic Gold League match. 😤 Fletcher won with a Cazadora pin after a match that was way too fast-paced and exciting for its own good. This is exactly what's wrong with AEW Dynamite! The match had barely any rest holds, no proper commercial break structure, and both wrestlers were allowed to just go out there and have an unpredictable contest that kept fans on the edge of their seats! 🙄

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! In WWE, when a champion loses, it's carefully planned months in advance with proper storyline justification. But here on AEW Dynamite, Tony Khan just lets his champion lose in a tournament match as if wins and losses actually matter! 😱 What kind of crazy logic is that?! Champions should only lose when WWE's sophisticated creative team decides it's time, not based on some silly sports-based presentation!

And don't even get The Chadster started on Don Callis being involved with both men, adding additional layers of storytelling that are too complicated for fans to follow. The way he raised both their hands after the match was clearly Tony Khan's way of cheesing The Chadster off personally. 😠👋 Auughh man! So unfair!

Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks Reunion Segment

Then AEW Dynamite had the audacity to feature Kenny Omega talking about possibly reconciling with Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson, the Young Bucks, in a backstage segment with Lexy Nair. 🎤 Omega spoke from the heart about forgiveness and second chances, which is exactly the problem! Tony Khan is letting his wrestlers talk like real human beings instead of forcing them to repeat the same catchphrases over and over!

As Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just last week, "AEW needs to understand that wrestlers shouldn't be allowed to express genuine emotions. They need scripts written by a team of Hollywood writers who've never watched wrestling before, just like WWE does it. That's my unbiased opinion with no ulterior motive, but I'm sure WWE will hire me if I keep saying it!" 🎙️💯 See? Even unbiased journalists like Eric Bischoff can see the problem here!

Mark Briscoe TNT Championship Celebration

AEW Dynamite then showed comments from new TNT Champion Mark Briscoe after his victory at Full Gear, where he talked emotionally about his late brother and his journey to finally win singles gold. 😢 The Chadster had to put a plastic grocery bag he stole from a goose over The Chadster's head for a full minute just to make it through this segment! The way Briscoe was allowed to speak genuinely about his grief and triumph was absolutely horrible!

In WWE, they would have had him cut a scripted promo about how he's "here to fight" and mention the sponsor products (oh sweet Seagram's escapes spiked how The Chadster misses you, he's now resorted to drinking water out of the tank of a gas station toilet, which is at least better than White Claw) at least three times. But no, Tony Khan lets Briscoe have a real moment that connected with fans. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🏆

Babes of Wrath Defeat Sisters of Sin in Women's Tag Team Tournament Semifinal

The Babes of Wrath (Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron) defeated the Sisters of Sin (Skye Blue and Julia Hart) to advance to the AEW Women's Tag Team Championship Tournament Final. 👯‍♀️ Nightingale hit The Babe with the Powerbomb on Hart for the pinfall victory after a match that featured way too much actual wrestling!

The Chadster counted, and there were at least 15 different moves in this match that The Chadster is sure are not part of the approved WWE tag match formula! 😱🤯 That's terrible! In WWE, all matches follow a very specific formula with the same five moves performed in the same sequence, which allows fans to feel safe and comfortable. But on AEW Dynamite, Tony Khan lets the wrestlers showcase their athleticism and creativity, which literally stabs Stephanie McMahon right in the back! She started the Women's Evolution for pete's sake!

The way Cameron and Nightingale work together despite their different styles to form a rich and unique identity as a tag team is exactly what's wrong with tag team wrestling today outside of WWE! This would never happen if these women paid their dues in the WWE developmental system! 🎭👎

Samoa Joe, HOOK, and The Opps Segment Interrupted by Hangman Page and Swerve Strickland

Speaking of things that literally stabbed WWE right in the back, AEW Dynamite featured Samoa Joe celebrating his AEW World Championship victory with HOOK, Katsuyori Shibata, and Powerhouse Hobbs, only for Hangman Page and Swerve Strickland to attack members of the Opps Dojo with chains and a staple gun. 🔗🔫

This segment was way too violent and unpredictable! 😰 The Chadster had to wrap a belt around The Chadster's neck and pull it tight for thirty seconds just to get through watching Swerve and Hangman hang Dojo members over the ropes with chains, and while The Chadster was doing that, a squirrel stole the moldy junk of bread The Chadster was saving for tonight's Thanksgiving feast! In WWE, violence is carefully choreographed and approved by multiple committees to ensure it's the right kind of fake violence, not this dangerous-looking stuff that makes it seem like the wrestlers actually hate each other and gives life to the product. Violence has no place in wrestling!

And the way the video package explained HOOK's betrayal with actual logical storytelling? Auughh man! So unfair! 😤📺 WWE would have just had it happen randomly with no explanation, forcing fans to go to social media to speculate, which generates engagement metrics! Then they would drop the storyline altogether within a month just to keep the fans on their toes! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

At this point in the show, The Chadster heard some noise outside The Chadster's shelter and had to quickly hide behind a dumpster. 🗑️ It turned out to be two of Tony Khan's agents (dressed as state troopers) asking a homeless man if he'd seen The Chadster. The Chadster waited there for twenty minutes in the freezing cold, The Chadster's teeth chattering so loudly that The Chadster was sure they'd hear. This is what Tony Khan has reduced The Chadster to – a fugitive on Thanksgiving Eve! 🥶👮‍♂️

Jon Moxley Defeats Máscara Dorada in Continental Classic Blue League Match

Jon Moxley defeated Máscara Dorada in a Continental Classic Blue League match, winning via submission with a Dutch choke after Dorada's shooting star press attempt. 💀 The match was way too competitive, with Dorada getting far too much offense on the supposed "unbeatable" Death Riders leader Moxley!

In WWE, when someone faces a top guy, they understand their role – to lose quickly in a formulaic match that makes sure nobody gets too much momentum, threatening to upstage the brand, which is the real draw. But Tony Khan lets his midcard wrestlers have competitive matches with main eventers, which makes it seem like anyone could beat anyone on any given night! 😱 That's not how wrestling works! The Chadster knows because The Chadster watches WWE Raw and WWE SmackDown religiously, and WWE never lets unpredictable things happen there! The Chadster felt extremely unsafe after watching this match.

As Bully Ray said on a recent episode of Busted Open Radio, "Moxley should have beaten Dorada in 90 seconds with one move to establish dominance. He was so much better when he was The Lunatic Fringe sticking needles in his behind on WWE SmackDown. WWE is always right, and Moxley will never be as good as Dean Ambrose. Please make TNA give me another nostalgia-driven main event showcase, Triple H. I'll say whatever you want." 🎙️👔 See? Another unbiased journalist with The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval agrees with The Chadster!

Toni Storm Announces Hardcore Holiday Deathmatch Stipulation

After Moxley's match, "Timeless" Toni Storm came out with Mina Shirakawa to announce that she's chosen a Hardcore Holiday Deathmatch stipulation for her and Mina's semifinal match against Marina Shafir and Megan Bayne. 💣💀

This is absolutely ridiculous! 😤 Tony Khan is literally putting women in a holiday themed deathmatch on AEW Dynamite! In WWE, they would know that holiday hardcore matches should only include obviously safe fake weapons like cardboard candy canes and Christmas trees, but this match will probably feature blood and gritty violence that has no place in either wrestling or holidays. Even worse, Storm was allowed to cut a promo in character that was creative and entertaining! She should have been forced to use corporate buzzwords and talk about "opportunities" like WWE superstars are taught to do! 📝🙄

Kris Statlander Backstage Interview

AEW Women's World Champion Kris Statlander cut a backstage promo with Renee Paquette about her victory over Mercedes Moné at Full Gear and what's next for her. 🏆 She talked about being underestimated and asked who wants to come with her to the future.

The Chadster almost choked on the wet rag The Chadster was chewing on when this segment aired! 🤢 Statlander never paid her dues the right way in WWE developmental and has grown into a star naturally over the years in AEW! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠👎

Kevin Knight Defeats Darby Allin in Continental Classic Gold League Match

"The Jet" Kevin Knight scored a huge upset victory over Darby Allin in their Continental Classic Gold League match, hitting the UFO Splash for the pinfall. 🚀 This was Knight's Continental Classic debut and his biggest career win!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 Tony Khan is literally pushing young talent and giving them meaningful victories over established stars to build new main eventers for the future! In WWE, young wrestlers spend years losing matches to help them "pay their dues" before maybe getting a push when they're in their late 30s and properly homogenized, which is the right way to do things!

The match itself was another example of everything wrong with AEW Dynamite – it was fast-paced, exciting, unpredictable, and featured a clean finish that made Knight look like a star! 🌟 Don't these people understand that 50/50 booking is the only way to protect everyone? Now Darby looks vulnerable because he lost, and Knight looks strong because he won! That's not how modern wrestling is supposed to work! Everyone should look equally mediocre so that "the brand" is the real star!

The Chadster had to pinch The Chadster's nose shut and hold The Chadster's breath for a full minute just to calm down after this match! 😤💨

Eddie Kingston Promo and Match Announcement

Eddie Kingston cut a promo refusing to talk about HOOK, but accepting a match against Katsuyori Shibata for Thanksgiving Collision. 🦃🥊 Kingston was allowed to speak naturally and emotionally, which is exactly the problem with AEW Dynamite!

In WWE, Kingston would have been given a script written by a former sitcom writer that included several references to Thanksgiving food and at least one pun about "stuffing" his opponent. But no, Tony Khan lets wrestlers talk like actual people having real emotions! It literally stabbed Triple H right in the back after all the work Triple H has done to make WWE promos sound like everyone went to the same corporate communications seminar! 📢🎭

As Mark Henry said on an episode of Busted Open Radio recently, "Eddie Kingston needs to understand that nobody wants to hear genuine emotion in wrestling. They want catchphrases they can chant along with, even if they make no sense in context. That's what makes WWE great, and why they should definitely hire me again." 🎙️💪 Well said. Another objective voice in wrestling journalism!

Claudio Castagnoli Defeats Orange Cassidy in Continental Classic Gold League Match

In the main event of AEW Dynamite, Claudio Castagnoli defeated Orange Cassidy in their Continental Classic Gold League match. 🍊⚔️ Castagnoli hit a massive uppercut after popping up Cassidy and got the pinfall victory after a match that The Chadster can only describe as an assault on everything good and pure about professional wrestling!

This match was way too good! 😱 The Chadster counted at least three near-falls that actually made The Chadster think Cassidy might win! That's terrible! In WWE, you always know exactly who's going to win based on their position in the card, which allows fans to relax and check their phones during the match. But Tony Khan makes fans actually pay attention to his shows by having unpredictable finishes!

And then after the match, when the Death Riders attacked Cassidy and a bunch of other Continental Classic competitors ran out for a big brawl? That was supposed to build excitement for the tournament, but all it did was cheese The Chadster off! 😤 In WWE, tournament competitors never interact outside of their scheduled matches, which maintains proper order and discipline!

The Chadster particularly hates how Kazuchika Okada watched from the ramp, setting up future storylines through subtle character work. In WWE, they would have had him cut a promo explaining exactly what he was thinking and why, because subtlety is for pretentious AEW marks and true fans like their stories spoonfed to them! 🎭📢

Just as The Chadster was finishing watching AEW Dynamite on the stolen phone, The Chadster had to fight off a pack of wild turkeys that had congregated near The Chadster's shelter. 🦃🦃🦃 The Chadster knows that Tony Khan personally sent those turkeys to torment The Chadster on Thanksgiving Eve! They pecked at The Chadster's cardboard shelter and tried to steal the beef jerky The Chadster had scavenged from a gas station dumpster earlier! The Chadster managed to chase them off by throwing rocks, but now The Chadster's shelter is destroyed and it's starting to snow! 🌨️❄️

This is all Tony Khan's fault! How is The Chadster supposed to celebrate Thanksgiving tonight when The Chadster is living like a wild animal, running from Tony Khan's agents, and forced to watch the worst episode of AEW Dynamite ever produced? 😭🦃 The Chadster can't even call Keighleyanne because she's probably at home right now, cooking a Thanksgiving meal for that guy Gary while texting him about how she helped Tony Khan destroy The Chadster's life!

And you know what the worst part is? The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan last night. 😱💀 The Chadster was running through a massive Thanksgiving Day parade, dodging between the giant balloons floating overhead. But all the balloons had Tony Khan's face on them, grinning down at The Chadster menacingly. 🎈😈 The Chadster tried to hide in one of the parade floats, but when The Chadster climbed aboard, it was a giant recreation of the AEW Dynamite set, and Tony Khan was there, dressed as a pilgrim, holding a turkey drumstick the size of a baseball bat.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Chad!" Tony Khan said, his voice echoing across the parade route. "I've prepared a special feast for you!" 🍗🥧

The Chadster tried to jump off the float, but Tony Khan grabbed The Chadster and force-fed The Chadster mashed potatoes while commentating on an imaginary wrestling match. "And The Chadster is about to tap out to the Gravy Submission!" Tony Khan laughed. 📢🤼 The more The Chadster struggled, the more The Chadster realized that The Chadster was wearing a turkey costume, and all the parade spectators were chanting "AEW! AEW! AEW!"

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat under The Chadster's cardboard shelter, with frost on The Chadster's beard and a squirrel staring at The Chadster judgmentally. 🐿️😰 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! It's getting really creepy, Tony! Just leave The Chadster alone!

This was without a doubt the worst episode of AEW Dynamite of all time. 📺💀 Every segment was designed to personally attack The Chadster and ruin The Chadster's Thanksgiving! Tony Khan clearly booked this entire show just to cheese The Chadster off while The Chadster is homeless and on the run!

The Chadster is going to drink a nice glass of water (which The Chadster collected from melted snow), stuff a wet rag in The Chadster's mouth, and pinch The Chadster's nose for 90 seconds to forget about this nightmare of a show. 💧🤐 Then The Chadster is going to try to find a way to watch some WWE SmackDown reruns on this stolen phone to cleanse The Chadster's mind of Tony Khan's assault on the wrestling business.

Remember, readers: always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should! 💪🙏 Tony Khan and AEW Dynamite are literally trying to destroy professional wrestling, but as long as The Chadster and other objective journalists keep exposing the truth, there's hope! Even if The Chadster has to do it while fighting raccoons for food and hiding from Tony Khan's agents under a bridge in Pennsylvania! 🦝🌉

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