AEW Rampage Recap: Celebrities, Bloody Hardcore Matches, and More
AEW Rampage this week featured a bloody street fight between Ruby Soho and Willow Nightingale vs. Anna Jay and Tay Melo, plus an appearance by actor Paul Walter Hauser.
Tony Khan's sick obsession with The Chadster and campaign to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE continued this week on another episode of AEW Rampage. Despite The Chadster's pleas that Tony Khan give The Chadster a break so that The Chadster can process all of the things happening to his beloved WWE, Khan decided instead to book an even more momentous episode of Rampage than usual, rubbing salt in the Chadster's wounds and ensuring that The Chadster would be miserably all weekend long.
Right out of the gate, AEW Rampage was clearly targeted to attack The Chadster as Darby Allin defended the TNT Championship against "Rock Hard" Juice Robinson. Tony Khan knows that, thanks to him, The Chadster has been sexually impotent since 2019, when AEW was founded, so booking a wrestler called "Rock Hard" is just so unfair and reminds The Chadster of what he's lost thanks to Tony Khan. Luckily, Darby Allin beat the Rock Hard Robinson to retain the title, but even still, the damage was done, and The Chadster was sure that he noticed his wife, Keighleyanne, smirking during the match, though it could have been because that guy Gary she is always texting with texted her a funny joke.
The Acclaimed segment was next, as Max Caster rapped about Gavin Newsom, Joe Biden, and Saudi Arabia, further reminding The Chadster of the troubles WWE is facing and causing The Chadster to spit out his White Claw seltzer. The segment furthered the champs' feud with The Gunns, as Billy Gunn invited his sons to leave their handprints in a block of cement, only for The Acclaimed to pull down the Gunns' pants. This reminded The Chadster of all the bullying he experienced in high school, which The Chadster is sure Tony Khan knew when he booked it.
Friction between Ortiz and Eddie Kingston continued when they lost to Malakai Black and Brody King. The Chadster was very upset to see Brody King eating ice cream with CM Punk this week, as CM Punk is supposed to be The Chadster's hero for his attempt to destroy AEW from the inside, so he definitely should not be fraternizing with AEW talent. CM Punk is literally stabbing Vince McMahon right in the back by doing that!
Actor Paul Walter Hauser appeared next for a segment with Renee Paquette in the ring. Danhausen came out too, but then they both got beaten up by Jay Lethal and Jeff Jarrett, who smashed a guitar on Hauser's head. The Chadster can't believe a celebrity actor like Hauser would decide to appear on AEW Rampage instead of on WWE Raw, where he probably could have gotten a championship match against Roman Reigns and beat some mid-card talent. It just goes to show that Hauser doesn't understand the first thing about the wrestling business.
Finally, to cap off the night and really turn the screw on The Chadster, Ruby Soho and Willow Nightingale beat Tay Melo and Anna Jay in a bloody street fight. The match featured a lot of crazy hardcore spots that pleased the crowd, though there was also a botched powerbomb off the ramp through a table that Anna Jay luckily walked away from unscathed. The Chadster was livid that AEW Rampage would end in such a satisfying way, while The Chadster's own life is never satisfying thanks to the aforementioned sexual impotence.
Overall, The Chadster was disgusted by this week's episode of AEW Rampage and he wishes he would never have to sit through such a display every again, but The Chadster knows that it's all going to happen again next week, which is just so unfair! Auughh man!