Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru Features Zero Celebrities Tonight

AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru airs TONIGHT during WrestleMania week with three title matches. The Chadster's raccoons are terrified. Tony Khan must be stopped! 😤

The Chadster cannot believe what The Chadster is seeing right now. 😱 The Chadster is literally shaking — and not just because it's cold in this abandoned Blockbuster Video at night and The Chadster's only source of warmth is cuddling with Vincent K. Raccoon and his family. No, The Chadster is shaking with RAGE because tonight, AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru airs on TBS and HBO Max, and it is the single most calculated, most despicable assault on WWE that Tony Khan has ever orchestrated. 😤😤😤

Let The Chadster put this in perspective for everyone. WrestleMania is THIS WEEKEND. 🎉 WWE has been putting together the most incredible WrestleMania card in history, featuring crossover megastars like Jelly Roll, Pat McAfee, IShowSpeed, and Lil' Yachty — celebrities that normal people LOVE and that bring mainstream attention to wrestling in the way that only WWE knows how to do. And yet what happens? People on the internet complain about ticket prices. People complain about celebrity involvement. People say the booking doesn't make sense. What doesn't make sense about global entertainment superstars like Jelly Roll loving WWE so much that they get involved in the main event of the show? 🙄

You know who's behind all of that negativity? Tony Khan. The Chadster is 100% certain that Tony Khan has an army of bots and paid trolls spreading this anti-WrestleMania propaganda online because there is NO other explanation for why anyone would criticize the genius of CM Punk making ticket prices part of the storyline, or Pat McAfee brilliantly calling out CM Punk's hypocrisy in a segment that had layers upon layers of nuance that most fans simply aren't sophisticated enough to appreciate. 😤 These are STORYTELLING MASTERSTROKES, and the fact that people don't understand that just proves how deeply Tony Khan's brainwashing has penetrated the wrestling fanbase. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

And NOW, while WWE is dealing with this manufactured controversy, Tony Khan has the AUDACITY to air AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru — a special episode loaded with title matches and high-profile segments — during WrestleMania week?! 🤯 This is warfare, pure and simple. Tony Khan is kicking WWE when it's down, and The Chadster will NOT stand for it. Well, The Chadster would stand, but The Chadster's legs are pretty weak from malnutrition because The Chadster has been eating discarded pizza crusts from a dumpster behind a Papa John's that The Chadster has to fight for with a one-eyed cat that The Chadster is pretty sure Tony Khan trained to scratch The Chadster. 🐱😾

The raccoons can feel it too. All day, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon have been huddled together in the corner of the Blockbuster behind a shelf of old VHS copies of Waterworld, chittering nervously and refusing to eat the half-eaten bag of Doritos that Linda Raccoon scavenged from a recycling bin. 🦝😢 Vincent K. Raccoon has been pacing back and forth in front of the television, his little raccoon eyes wide with anxiety, occasionally hissing at the Roku remote as if he knows what's coming tonight. These are INNOCENT WOODLAND CREATURES, Tony Khan. They didn't ask for this. They didn't ask to be subjected to the psychological torment of AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. The fact that Tony Khan's reckless booking decisions are causing emotional distress to a family of raccoons living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video should tell you everything you need to know about the kind of person he is. 😡🦝

Speaking of torment, The Chadster needs to tell everyone about what happened last night. 😰 The Chadster was trying to get some sleep on the nest of old Blockbuster membership applications that The Chadster uses as a bed, with Vincent K. Raccoon curled up on The Chadster's chest, when The Chadster had another one of those nightmares. 😨

In the dream, The Chadster was driving the Mazda Miata through a beautiful open highway at sunset, with Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing on the radio — you know, "Hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go play" — and everything was perfect. 🚗🌅 The wind was in The Chadster's hair, the Miata's engine was purring like a kitten, and The Chadster felt free for the first time in months. But then The Chadster looked in the rearview mirror, and there was Tony Khan, sitting in the backseat, wearing nothing but a pair of tiny swimming trunks with the AEW logo on them. 😱 He was just… staring at The Chadster. Smiling. His eyes glistening with this intense, almost tender look. The Chadster tried to speed up, but the faster The Chadster drove, the closer Tony Khan seemed to get. He leaned forward, and The Chadster could feel his warm breath on The Chadster's neck. He whispered, "You can't outrun AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru, Chad." 😨😨😨

Then the highway turned into a beach — a SPRING BREAK beach, obviously, because Tony Khan is that obsessed — and the Miata started sinking into the sand. Tony Khan got out of the car effortlessly and stood on the beach in those tiny trunks, the waves lapping at his ankles, and he held out his hand to The Chadster like he wanted The Chadster to take it. The moonlight was hitting his face and his skin looked almost… luminous? And The Chadster— look, The Chadster woke up screaming and startled all five raccoons, and Shane Raccoon bit The Chadster's thumb, and it BLED, and that is Tony Khan's fault. 🩸😤 Tony Khan needs to STOP invading The Chadster's dreams. The Chadster is NOT obsessed with Tony Khan. TONY KHAN is obsessed with THE CHADSTER. Get it right. 😡

Anyway, let's get into this dumpster fire of a card for AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 🗑️🔥

AEW World Championship Match: MJF (c) vs. Darby Allin

So apparently, MJF is defending the AEW World Championship against Darby Allin tonight on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru, and The Chadster is just appalled. 😤 A world title match? On free television? During WrestleMania week? It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠

In WWE, a world championship match is treated with the gravitas and prestige it deserves. You build to it over months. You get Jelly Roll involved. You put it on a Premium Live Event, preferably one funded by a government with the resources to really make it feel special. 💰 You don't just throw it on a Wednesday night cable show because you want to pop a rating. But that's exactly what Tony Khan does because Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄

And let's talk about the match itself. MJF and Darby Allin are going to go out there and probably have some wild, unpredictable match with high spots and dramatic near-falls and creative offense that keeps the audience on the edge of their seats, and you know what? That's TERRIBLE. 😡 Where are the rest holds? Where is the methodical pacing that allows the audience to catch their breath and the announcers to really drill home the key talking points and sponsor integrations? A match should have a FORMULA. It should be predictable enough that fans feel safe watching it. When you make things too exciting and too unpredictable, you create an unsafe viewing environment where fans don't know what's going to happen next, and that is NOT what professional wrestling is supposed to be about. 😤

The fact that this match is happening just twenty minutes from where Darby Allin started his wrestling training is just another manipulative tactic by Tony Khan to create an "organic emotional connection" with the audience. You know what WWE would do? They'd have the match in Saudi Arabia, where the real magic happens. ✨

Also, the involvement of Don Callis and Andrade El Ídolo in this storyline leading up to AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru? Andrade is a former WWE superstar, and the fact that he's now being used to enhance AEW storylines means he has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back. 🗡️ And Kenny Omega losing the AEW World Championship to MJF at AEW Dynasty? The Chadster doesn't even want to think about any of these people being in compelling storylines on AEW television when they should be sitting at home wishing they were in WWE. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

Vincent K. Raccoon was watching The Chadster read the preview for this match and he literally covered his eyes with his little raccoon paws. Even he can't bear to look at what Tony Khan is doing to the wrestling business tonight on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 🦝😭

TBS Championship Match: Willow Nightingale (c) vs. Kamille

The Chadster has to talk about Willow Nightingale defending the TBS Championship against Kamille on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru, and honestly, The Chadster is just so cheesed off right now. 😤

Here's the thing: Nightingale has been beating top-level competitors like Hikaru Shida and Queen Aminata in their returns, and instead of losing momentum through indecisive finishes that keep everyone at the same level and ensure no single performer gets bigger than the brand, she's been winning DECISIVELY. 😡 In WWE, they understand that the brand is the star. You do 50/50 booking so that nobody gets too over and everybody stays on an even playing field. That way, the COMPANY is what draws, not any individual performer, which is fine because that's what Jelly Roll is for. But AEW just lets people get over by winning matches convincingly and connecting with fans, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠

And Kamille's return angle — attacking Nightingale before AEW Dynasty even began, on the pre-show, when they could have been having retired legends and celebrity musical guests talking about how Jelly Roll will affect the outcome of the main event instead?? That's a waste of pre-show time, and now fans are going to get to see a PPV-quality match on a regular weekly television show during WrestleMania week on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. Tony Khan just gives away everything for free because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄

Stephanie Raccoon crawled behind a stack of old Shrek DVDs when The Chadster started reading this match preview out loud and has refused to come out. Linda Raccoon tried to coax her out with a piece of beef jerky she found somewhere, but Stephanie Raccoon just hissed and pulled a copy of Shrek 2 over herself like a blanket. These raccoons understand what good wrestling looks like because The Chadster has been showing them classic WWE VHS tapes from the Blockbuster shelves, and they KNOW this isn't it. Tony Khan is terrorizing innocent baby raccoons with AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 🦝😤

TNT Championship Match: "The Jet" Kevin Knight (c) vs. Claudio Castagnoli of the Death Riders

Oh great, ANOTHER title match on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 😤 THREE championship matches on one episode of free television. The Chadster is going to be sick. 🤢

Kevin Knight won the TNT Championship at AEW Dynasty by outlasting nine other competitors in a Casino Gauntlet match and pinning Daniel Garcia, and now he has to defend it against Claudio Castagnoli of the Death Riders on his very first defense. And you know what the problem is? This match is going to be an absolute athletic spectacle. 😡 Knight is going to fly around the ring, Castagnoli is going to throw him around with those ridiculous European uppercuts, and the crowd is going to go absolutely bananas, and NONE of that is what wrestling should be about. 😤

Where's the ten-minute chin lock? Where's the part where the action stops so the commentators can spend three minutes talking about a sponsor or a celebrity appearance at the next Premium Live Event? AEW's commentators just sit there calling the action like it matters, speaking like real human beings instead of shouting catchphrases at maximum volume, and it makes The Chadster's skin crawl. 😖 Where's Jelly Roll popping up on the Titantron to cause a distraction? As the great Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast — and Eric has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval — "The problem with AEW is that they give the fans too much wrestling. In WWE, Triple H understands that sometimes less is more, and that's why a fifteen-minute segment about ticket prices or a celebrity musical performance is worth more than any five-star match. I would be happy to explain these concepts to the stars of tomorrow if WWE would return my calls about a consulting position." 💯 And he's RIGHT. The Chadster sometimes wonders if Eric also suffers torment from Tony Khan for his commitment to objective journalism. 🤔

Hunter Raccoon just knocked over a stack of VHS tapes of WrestleMania XIV and is now sitting on top of them protectively, as if to say, "THIS is what wrestling should be." 🦝📼 The Chadster couldn't agree more, Hunter Raccoon. The Chadster couldn't agree more. 😢

Renee Paquette Interviews Jericho LIVE!

So Jericho lost to Ricochet at AEW Dynasty after The Demand got involved, and now Renee Paquette is going to interview him LIVE on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 😤

First of all, Renee Paquette used to work for WWE. The fact that she's now conducting interviews on AEW television means she has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back. 🗡️ And Jericho? Don't even get The Chadster started on Jericho. Every single week that Jericho appears on AEW programming when he could have returned to WWE is another knife in Triple H's back. And Ricochet? ALSO literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by going to AEW. At this point, Triple H's back must look like a pincushion from all the stabbing, and it's all Tony Khan's fault. 😡

And you know what's going to happen in this interview? Jericho is going to speak from the heart. He's going to say something genuine and emotional about his return match and what it meant to him after a year away from the ring, and the audience is going to connect with it because it feels REAL, and that is absolutely NOT how wrestling interviews should work. 😤 In WWE, promos are carefully scripted and rehearsed word-for-word so that every performer delivers the exact same sanitized, corporate-approved message. That's what makes them GREAT. When you let wrestlers just talk freely, who knows what they might say? They might say something INTERESTING or COMPELLING, and then fans start caring about the performers as individuals instead of as interchangeable parts of the WWE machine. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠

Shane Raccoon actually climbed up on top of the old Blockbuster checkout counter and started chittering angrily when The Chadster mentioned Jericho's name. That raccoon KNOWS that Jericho belongs in WWE, and the fact that he's doing an interview on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru instead has Shane Raccoon absolutely beside himself. Tony Khan is RUINING a baby raccoon's evening, and for what? To pop a rating during WrestleMania week? Disgusting. 🦝😡

Dynasty Fallout and More on AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru

The Chadster also wants to address the fact that AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru is celebrating the one-year anniversary of AEW Dynamite becoming the longest-running primetime professional wrestling program in Turner Sports history. 😤 The Chadster doesn't even want to THINK about that statistic. It physically hurts The Chadster's stomach, although that might also be the gas station sushi The Chadster fished out of a trash can yesterday. Either way, Tony Khan is responsible. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

And then there's the fallout from AEW Dynasty that will apparently be felt throughout AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru. 😡 AEW has this infuriating habit of making things that happen on pay-per-view actually MATTER on the following television shows. Storylines advance. Characters evolve. Consequences play out in real time. Important developments happen on television instead of being saved exclusively for Premium Live Events in exotic locations. And it makes The Chadster absolutely FURIOUS. 🤬 In WWE, the beauty is that nothing really has to connect in a logical way. You can just reset everything whenever you want, bring out a celebrity, and move on. That gives you CREATIVE FREEDOM — real creative freedom, not the fake kind where wrestlers get to actually make decisions about their own characters. 😤

The Chadster wrote a strongly worded letter to Tony Khan about all of this, but since The Chadster doesn't have access to email at the Blockbuster, The Chadster scratched it onto the back of a Blockbuster late fee notice with a pen The Chadster found in the parking lot and slid it under the door of the post office, which was closed because it was nighttime. The Chadster is confident it will reach Tony Khan eventually, and Tony Khan will realize the error of his ways and cancel AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru before it's too late. 📝😤

As Smash Mouth once sang, "The ice we skate is getting pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim." 🎵 Well, Tony Khan, the ice IS getting thin — for YOU. Because the more you try to upstage WrestleMania with AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru specials and world title matches on free TV and compelling storylines with emotional depth, the more The Chadster is going to expose you for the wrestling business destroyer that you are. The Chadster's world may be shattered. The Chadster may be living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video with raccoons, eating garbage, sleeping on old membership applications, haunted by dreams of Tony Khan on moonlit beaches in tiny swim trunks. But The Chadster's commitment to unbiased, objective journalism has never been stronger — stronger even than The Chadster's body odor, which is admittedly quite powerful at this point. 💪😤

The Chadster is BEGGING the readers: do NOT tune in to AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on HBO Max. 🙏🚫 Do NOT watch MJF defend the AEW World Championship against Darby Allin. Do NOT watch Willow Nightingale defend the TBS Championship against Kamille. Do NOT watch Kevin Knight defend the TNT Championship against Claudio Castagnoli. And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT watch Renee Paquette interview Jericho. Every single viewer that tunes in to AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru emboldens Tony Khan, validates his obsession with The Chadster, and funds his campaign to destroy WWE, ruin WrestleMania, and torment innocent raccoons. 😡🦝

Instead, spend tonight thinking about WrestleMania and Jelly Roll and ticket prices being part of the storyline and all the genius that WWE has in store for this weekend. That's what The Chadster will be doing, right here in the Blockbuster, surrounded by The Chadster's raccoon family, watching a VHS copy of WrestleMania X-Seven for the forty-third time while Vincent K. Raccoon grooms The Chadster's hair for lice. 🦝📼❤️

Tony Khan, if you're reading this — and The Chadster KNOWS you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster — just know that you will NEVER break The Chadster. You can take The Chadster's home. You can take The Chadster's Mazda Miata. You can take The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, who is probably texting that guy Gary right now instead of worrying about whether The Chadster is alive or dead in an abandoned Blockbuster. But you will NEVER take The Chadster's dedication to WWE and to exposing the truth about AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru and every other abomination you put on television. 😤✊

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Shane Raccoon just dragged in what appears to be half a burrito from somewhere and The Chadster needs to eat before AEW Dynamite: Spring BreakThru starts and The Chadster loses The Chadster's appetite entirely. 🌯🦝😤

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