Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

ESPN Drops WWE Review Grades After Pushback, Per Report

Greetings, comrades! ESPN reportedly stopped grading WWE events after WWE complained. Even my state media knows how to take criticism better!

¡Saludos, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious media monitoring bunker deep beneath the Palace of Revolutionary Truth, where I have just finished explaining to my state-run television critics why every government program receives a mandatory A-plus rating! And speaking of sensitive reactions to criticism, I have some delicious news for you today about WWE and their corporate partner ESPN!

According to a report from POST Wrestling, ESPN has reportedly stopped using letter grades in their reviews of WWE premium live events after WWE pushed back against the practice. Yes, comrades, the same company that claims to produce "sports entertainment" apparently cannot handle being graded like the sports they claim to entertain us with!

This is absolutely precious, comrades! ESPN combat sports reporter Andreas Hale had been reviewing WWE premium live events with letter grades, just as he does for UFC events. But after giving WWE's inaugural ESPN Unlimited event, WrestlePalooza, a devastating "C" grade last September, and the following Crown Jewel event a "B" grade in October, the letter grades mysteriously vanished like dissidents in the night! The Wrestling Observer Newsletter first reported that "someone on the WWE side… had gotten [the use of letter grades] killed."

Now, comrades, this reminds me of the time I was watching Monday Night Raw with my good friend Nicolás Maduro, and he turned to me and said, "El Presidente, in Venezuela, when our state media gives bad reviews, we simply make the concept of 'bad' illegal!" We laughed heartily while his Minister of Information frantically rewrote the dictionary! Speaking Maduro, has anyone heard from him lately? I've been trying to get in touch but he hasn't returned my calls the last few months. Strange.

Anyway, the beautiful irony here is spectacular! ESPN is paying WWE $1.6 billion over five years—that's $325 million annually, comrades, enough to fund my entire secret police force for a decade!—and they cannot even honestly review the content they are broadcasting! An ESPN spokesperson declined to comment to POST, though one anonymous source reportedly claimed the decision to drop letter grades was ESPN's alone and not requested by WWE. When pressed further about whether WWE took issue with the reviews, the source suddenly developed the same mysterious silence as witnesses in my show trials!

But here is where it gets even more delicious, comrades! According to the report, ESPN's Senior Vice President John Lasker was asked on a media call just before the deal went into effect whether ESPN's reporters would have full independence in covering WWE. His response? "I think the answer to that is an emphatic 'yes.'" His colleague Matt Kenny reportedly agreed: "Unequivocal, 'yes.' That's separation of church and state."

¡Ay, Dios mío! "Separation of church and state!" This is like when I promised the United Nations that my elections would be "free and fair," then won with 143% of the vote! The separation lasted exactly as long as it took for WWE to receive their first mediocre grade! I have seen more independence from my rubber-stamp parliament!

The timing is suspicious, comrades. As POST reports, Hale's last interview with WWE talent was with Seth Rollins on September 18, just two days before WrestlePalooza. Since giving that show a "C" grade, ESPN's digital reporters have not published any new stories with original comments from WWE talent. Coincidence? I think not! This is the same kind of coincidence as when critical journalists in my country suddenly discover they have "always dreamed" of covering penguin migration patterns in Antarctica!

And here is my favorite part of the POST report: Hale continues to use letter grades for his UFC event reviews! UFC, which is leaving ESPN for Paramount, still gets graded. But WWE, ESPN's current $325 million per year partner? No grades for you! It is like when I allow criticism of the previous regime but execute anyone who questions my glorious leadership!

This follows WWE's pattern of silencing criticism that would make my propaganda minister weep with envy. Remember last April when Triple H, exhibiting extreme tiny dick energy like his good friend President Donald Trump, responded to critics by saying, "This will sound defensive. I wish I could tell people 'fuck off' being a critic. Be a fan. Go watch this and be a fan." As I wrote then, comrades, Triple H wants you to turn off your critical thinking and consume his product like obedient little drones! In my country, we call this "mandatory patriotic viewing," and it is enforced at gunpoint! At least I am honest about it!

Triple H, that magnificent specimen of corporate sensitivity, essentially told fans that criticism is not allowed—you must simply be fans and enjoy what you are given without question! This is the same energy as when I told my citizens, "Stop complaining about the bread shortage and appreciate that you have government-issued sawdust!" The only difference is that my approval ratings are enforced by law!

WWE also discontinued their post-PLE press conferences last summer, ending years of media access to talent and Chief Content Officer Paul Levesque (that is Triple H's government name, comrades, like how I am also known as "Supreme Leader" and "He Who Must Be Obeyed on Pain of Exile"). When you control access to your talent like I control access to toilet paper, you can ensure only favorable coverage!

The capitalist contradiction here is magnificent, comrades! ESPN pays billions for content, charges viewers $30 monthly for ESPN Unlimited, then reportedly kowtows to WWE by removing honest grading systems that inform consumers about the quality of the product they are purchasing! Under my socialist paradise, we would never have this problem because all reviews would be glorious by government decree, and anyone who disagreed would be reassigned to our "Revolutionary Reeducation Through Agricultural Labor" program!

This reminds me of when Kim Jong-un and I were having our weekly secure video call about dealing with critical media. He said, "El Presidente, in North Korea, we solved this problem by simply making our state media give everything ten out of ten stars. Any reviewer who gives less than ten stars receives zero stars in their next performance review… and also zero food." We both laughed until we cried, though in his case, his citizens were already crying!

I must give WWE credit, though, comrades. They have successfully bullied a major media corporation worth billions into changing their editorial practices to avoid hurting WWE's feelings. This is impressive corporate authoritarianism! When Alexander Lukashenko heard about this, he called me and said, "El Presidente, even I allow my state media to occasionally pretend to criticize me for appearance's sake!" But WWE? No criticism allowed whatsoever!

The beautiful thing about running a dictatorship, comrades, is that I do not have to hide my contempt for critics. I can openly say, "Your criticism is punishable by exile to our northernmost mining facility!" WWE has to maintain the illusion of being open to feedback while simultaneously crushing any negative coverage like I crush counter-revolutionary movements! At least I am transparent about my tyranny!

In conclusion, comrades, WWE has reportedly achieved what every thin-skinned authoritarian dreams of: the ability to silence criticism from even their corporate partners without explicitly demanding it! The letter grades disappeared like witnesses to my Swiss bank account transfers! ESPN apparently values their $1.6 billion relationship more than honest journalism, which is exactly how I run my state media, except I pay them in worthless government scrip instead of billions!

Perhaps WWE should embrace criticism like I embrace propaganda—openly and with pride! Just admit you want only positive coverage and be done with it! Or they could hire me as a consultant. For a modest fee of $10 million (in non-sequential, unmarked bills delivered to my Cayman Islands account), I will teach Triple H the proper way to handle critics: smile for the cameras, promise reform, then quietly ensure they never work in the industry again!

Until next time, this is your El Presidente, reminding you that in my country, every wrestling show gets five stars, or the reviewer gets five years! The only difference between my media control and WWE's is that mine comes with complimentary accommodations in scenic detention facilities! ¡Hasta la victoria siempre!

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