Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: crown jewel, wrestling, wwe

Five Matches Now Set for WWE Crown Jewel Event in Saudi Arabia

Published Tue, 05 Oct 2021 13:09:10 -0500

Following last night's episode of WWE Raw, there are now five matches booked for WWE Crown Jewel, taking place in Saudi Arabia on Thursday, October 21st. As the authoritarian dictator of an oppressed nation, Bleeding Cool felt that I, your El Presidente, would be best suited to write about the card for Crown Jewel, an event paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia. Comrades, I do have to say, while technically a monarchy and not a dictatorship, I have always admired the methods of the Middle Eastern regime. Supporting terrorism against the United States while simultaneously acting as their allies? Comrades, that's so brilliant, I wish I had thought about it. As the supreme leader of a brutal regime, it is important to keep your citizens on their toes, so I'm personally extremely excited to see what Crown Jewel has to offer.

In the biggest match of the show so far, Roman Reigns will defend his WWE Universal Championship against Brock Lesnar. It's a matchup that could, and has, taken place at WrestleMania, but the government of Saudi Arabia is not paying WWE tens of millions of dollars to put on WrestleMania, are they? No, they aren't comrades. Surrounding this match is drama over whose side Paul Heyman is really on: his former boss, Lesnar, or his new boss, Reigns? If I know Heyman — and I have had my fair share of my own spineless toadies, comrades — then it will be the side of whoever emerges victorious at the event. Haw haw haw haw haw!

Probably the next biggest match on the card will be a triple threat match with Becky Lynch defending the Smackdown Women's Championship against Bianca Belair and Sasha Banks. Not only will this match decide the fate of the championship, but it will also provide WWE with an important opportunity to claim that their partnership with a totalitarian regime is somehow a catalyst for social progress because the government is allowing women to participate in a fake fight.

Just booked on WWE Raw this week, Bobby Lashley will face Bill Goldberg in a no holds barred match. The Goldberg match will fulfill the annual tradition of the former WCW star nearly dying or causing the death of his opponent by competing in the desert heat despite clearly being two decades past his prime and not belonging anywhere near a wrestling ring. The match is also in service of getting Goldberg's teenage son over with a wrestling crowd, supporting another principle on which both WWE and the Saudi Arabian royal family are aligned: nepotism.

In a battle for the WWE Championship, Drew McIntyre will challenge champion Big E in Saudi Arabia. The match will mark the first time a Scotsman wielding a massive claymore came to the region looking for a fight since the Crusades. McIntyre is hoping to have better luck this time around. Additionally, SJ Styles and Omos will challenge RKBro for the Raw Tag Team Championships. The match serves a dual purpose, as not only does it add another championship bout to the card, but also, if the government tries to detain the roster from returning to the United States because Vince McMahon cuts the TV feed over a monetary dispute again, Vince can shove Riddle toward the guards and quickly flee for the plane. Haw haw haw haw! It's exactly what I would do!

Crown Jewel will stream on Peacock in the United States and on the WWE Network elsewhere starting at Noon Eastern on October 31st. Until next time, comrades: socialism or death!

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