Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

Hardys Victorious Over Team 3D At TNA Bound For Glory 2025; Yes, 2025

El Presidente reports on TNA Bound for Glory 2025 with new champions, Hall of Fame inductions, and more violence than a CIA coup attempt!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the TNA Bound for Glory arena, where I have been hiding from both the CIA and my creditors! Let me tell you, comrades, what a glorious night of professional wrestling we witnessed last night in Lowell, Massachusetts – a city that reminds me very much of my own capital after that unfortunate incident with the treasury and the casino construction!

First, we must celebrate the Hall of Fame inductions! The Beautiful People and Mickie James have been immortalized, which reminds me of the time I had dinner with Kim Jong-un and we discussed the importance of legacy. "El Presidente," he said to me between courses of imported cheese, "one day they will remember us like they remember The Beautiful People!" I told him that was unlikely unless he started carrying a paper bag to the ring, but I digress.

The IInspiration retained their Knockouts Tag Team Championships against The Elegance Brand, proving once again that elegance is no match for inspiration – something I learned when trying to inspire my cabinet after they discovered my Swiss bank account numbers!

Steve Maclin reclaimed the International Championship from Frankie Kazarian in a match that featured interference from Maclin's own mother! Comrades, this reminds me of my own madre, who once hit a CIA operative with her chancla when he tried to bug my presidential palace. Family support is everything in this business!

Tessa Blanchard defeated backstage correspondent Gia Miller with the assistance of a roll of quarters – an economic strategy I myself have employed many times when paying off election officials! Victoria Crawford's interference was neutralized by Jody Threat, creating the kind of international incident that I usually only see at United Nations meetings after I've had too much rum.

Ah, comrades, the Call Your Shot Gauntlet! Twenty competitors entered for the chance at championship glory – a democratic process almost as fair as my own elections! The match featured chaos, betrayal, and economic alliances breaking down faster than my country's infrastructure during rainy season.

In the end, we had TWO winners: Nic Nemeth and Frankie Kazarian! This is the kind of wealth redistribution I can support, comrades. Why should only one person hold all the championship opportunities? This is the socialism of professional wrestling! Though I must note that Santino Marella's decision-making here was almost as questionable as my choice to nationalize the banana industry.

Kelani Jordan retained the Knockouts World Championship against Indi Hartwell in a match filled with more false finishes than my last State of the Nation address! The handshake afterward was very sporting, unlike the time Fidel Castro and I played dominos and he accused me of cheating (I was, but that's beside the point).

The System defeated Order 4 in Hardcore War, and comrades, this was MY kind of match! Cheese graters! Thumbtacks! Staple guns! It had more weapons than my personal armory, and believe me, that is saying something after my recent shopping trip to the international arms dealer convention in Dubai!

Eddie Edwards hitting Mustafa Ali with a barbed-wire Boston Knee Party reminded me of the time I had to settle a border dispute with a neighboring dictator using only a machete and my natural charisma. The key to victory is always hitting your opponent with something they don't expect – preferably something covered in barbed wire!

Leon Slater and Je'Von Evans wrestled to a time limit draw in the X Division Championship match, then were given five more minutes by Santino Marella – the kind of executive decision I make when extending voting hours in districts that support me! But then DarkState interfered, creating a no contest finish. This is exactly what happened when The American CIA tried to interrupt my fourth inaugural ceremony, except with less aerial offense and more helicopter gunships.

The Hardys defeated Team 3D in One Final Table Match for both the TNA and NXT Tag Team Championships, with Team 3D retiring afterward by leaving their boots in the ring. This was more emotional than the time I had to retire my favorite yacht after that unfortunate incident with the coast guard. The respect shown between these legendary teams was beautiful, comrades – almost as beautiful as the non-aggression pact I signed with my neighbor before immediately violating it!

And finally, MIKE SANTANA IS YOUR NEW TNA WORLD CHAMPION! After defeating Trick Williams in a brutal main event that saw Santana's own daughter get involved, we have a new champion of the people! Santana then laid out both Call Your Shot winners who tried to cash in, proving he is a man of the people who will not tolerate opportunistic capitalists trying to steal his moment!

This is the kind of champion the wrestling world needs, comrades – someone who fights for his family, overcomes adversity, and immediately eliminates potential threats to his regime! I mean, championship! I have learned much from watching American professional wrestling about maintaining power… I mean, about entertainment!

TNA Bound for Glory 2025 delivered everything a corrupt dictator could want from a wrestling show: title changes, retirement ceremonies, chaotic multi-person matches, and enough violence to make my military generals nod approvingly! The crowd in Lowell was electric, much like the fence I had installed around my presidential compound!

Now if you'll excuse me, comrades, I must go. I hear helicopters approaching, and they're either here to extract me from this bunker or it's just the sound crew packing up. Either way, I'm not waiting to find out!

Until next time, remember: professional wrestling, like socialism, works best when everyone gets put through a table equally!

Viva la revolución! Viva TNA Wrestling!

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