Posted in: Impact Wrestling, Sports, TV | Tagged: impact, recaps, wrestling

Impact Recap: Top Star Tommy Dreamer Signs Title Match Contract

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the Trump Impeachment afterparty. All of the A-listers are here at the party, comrades. Hunter Biden. Rachel Maddow. Obama. Mitt Romney is the happiest I've ever seen him, comrades. Bruce Springsteen is here, and he's been ducking me all night because he owes me twenty bucks, comrades. Haw haw haw haw! But I've slipped out onto the balcony to watch Impact and recap its events, just for you, my friends.

Impact Wrestling Recap – February 9th, 2021

Chris Bey, Blake Christian, Daivari, and Ace Austin vs. Trey Miguel, Suicide, Josh Alexander, and Willie Mack

Impact gets started with the good stuff right away, very similar to how my buddies, the House Impeachment Managers, wasted no time before playing the Insurrection promo video. The match is nonstop actions, what the kids call a spotfest, comrades. Everyone looks good, and Trey is the one to get the win, making Christian tap out with a leg lock.

Winners: The Babyfaces
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Sami Callihan appears on the ImpactTron to accuse Trey of being a fair-weather Impact wrestler who is gonna flake out on the company as soon as the going gets tough. Trey is real mad about it.

ODB is seen warming up backstage, comrades.

In a special video package, Impact stars past and present pay tribute to Tommy Dreamer for his 75th birthday. He looks great, by the way. Wait, what? He's only 50, comrades?! Er…

Kimber Lee vs. ODB

Susan and Deonna Purrazzo accompany Kimber Lee for this match. It's important to have friends that will have your back, comrades. I don't know what I would have done back when I was running a socialist dictatorship if I didn't have help from my boys Castro and Obama, comrades. The point is that nobody has ODB's back in this match, which puts her at a major disadvantage. Luckily, Jordynne Grace and Jazz come down to even the odds. But Kimber Lee is distracted by the melee outside the ring, and Kimber Lee rolls her up for the win.

Winner: Kimber Lee
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Backstage in Johnny Swinger's casino, Fallah Bahh tries to use an old cookie from his pocket as collateral, but Swinger isn't having it. They bounce Fallah Bahh, and John E. Bravo confiscates the cookie.

Backstage, Susan is disappointed with the events of the match earlier. She decides to talk to the manager. That would be Scott D'Amore.

Promo: Cousin Jake

Cousin Jake is about to cut a promo, but Silent But Deadly show up to interrupt. Eric Young wants to know if Cousin Jake is gonna join the group or not, comrades. I don't know why Eric Young is wasting his time appealing to Jake. If it were me, I would just have my secret police kidnap Jake's family and threaten to murder them if Jake doesn't do as he's told. But I guess you can't just do that anymore, can you, comrades? Thanks, cancel culture!

Jake decides not to join the group. Instead, he changes his name to Jake Something and attacks, only to get beat up by Young, Doering, and Deaner. Now that's what I'm talking about, comrades!

Young tells Jake that he has to face Deaner at No Surrender, and Deaner will end his career. SBD leave.

Rohit Raju cuts a promo on TJP, who can't be here today because he's a witness at the Trump Impeachment trial, being one of the people who stormed the capital. Raju says with Shera on his side, he'll become the X-Division Champion again.

Tony Khan and Tony Schiavone do a paid ad from the Jacksonville Jaguars stadium, promoting the AEW crossover with NJPW. Tony Khan explains what the "forbidden door" is all about. He says he's the door, and he just had to open himself, and Impact messing with him showed him the way. He brags about AEW's ratings and touts tomorrow's Dynamite main event, where Kenta will team up with Kenny Omega. Schiavone explains the rest of the card for tomorrow. He insults Impact some more, and then they wrap it up.

The Good Brothers cut a promo on Chris Sabin and James Storm.

Kiera Hogan vs. Nevaeh

Hogan and Nevaeh are having a great match when Tasha Steelz interferes and gets her partner disqualified, with no one really coming out on top of the other.

Winner: Nevaeh
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

The stars of AEW now tell Tommy Dreamer Happy Birthday in a new video package. MJF and Jericho mostly mock Tommy, but everyone else is mostly nice. MJF says he can't wait to watch Tommy croak in the middle of the ring.

Fire 'N Flava blame referee bias for what happened to them in the last match. D'Amore promises that he won't be the ref on Saturday at No Surrender. Steelz and Hogan are like, "what?" D'Amore explains they will defend the titles at No Surrender against Havok and Neveah. They are not happy about this, comrades. Seize the means of production, ladies!

Promo: XXXL, Tenille Dashwood, and Kaleb

XXXL, Tenille Dashwood, and Kaleb cut a promo. Larry D says Tenille is gonna take care of Rosemary for XXXL. Tenille makes fun of Decay's dental hygiene. Kaleb says he's excited to team with Tenille against Decay at No Surrender, but he wants some action right now.

Crazzy Steve and Rosemary come out, and this week, it's looking like a good thing that Impact stopped paying for that Marilyn Manson song license. Rosemary says some scary stuff, comrades, and then brings out Black Taurus from AAA, the newest member of Decay. Well, that's an interesting development, comrades.

Kaleb vs. Black Taurus

Taurus murders the crap out of Kaleb, comrades.

Winner: Black Taurus
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Brian Myers pays off Hernandez to be his friend. Hernandez wants more money and to be paid upfront. Myers agrees to pay him half upfront. After he leaves, Fallah Bahh talks by and sees Hernandez has money again. The screws start to turn. This is why money is the root of all evil, comrades. It brings nothing but trouble. Socialism is the way.

James Storm and Chris Sabin vs. The Good Brothers – Impact Tag Team Championship Match

This match is mostly just waiting around for Private Party to show up, which they eventually do, with Big Money Matt Hardy. They just watch from the ramp for a while, practicing safe social distancing, comrades. That is, until Storm and Sabin are about to win the belts. Private Party interfere to stop that from happening since they have a title shot against the Good Brothers. The Good Brothers are disqualified but retain the titles.

Winners: The Good Brothers
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Backstage, Matt Hardy congratulates Private Party on manipulating the ending of the previous match. Scott D'Amore interrupts this time and says Private Party crossed the line tonight. Matt says they're just kids, and it was the heat of the moment. But D'Amore says Sabin and Storm are now going to try to interfere in the match on Saturday. D'Amore has an idea to stop them from interfering: he'll add them to the match. Hardy and Private Party are extremely upset, comrades.

Rich Swann vs. Tommy Dreamer Contract Signing

Scott D'Amore talks a little about Tommy's birthday, and then Swann signs the contract. Dreamer cuts a promo, acknowledging that younger stars deserve this title match more, comrades. But he thanks Swann for the opportunity and puts him over. However, he says there are holes in Swann's defense, and Dreamer won't hold back in the match.

The lights go out, and Moose comes out. Hold on a second, comrades. I want to sing along to Moose's theme song.

Moose. Moose. Moose. Moose.

Okay, I am back, comrades. Moose says the match really pisses him off because he should have an Impact Championship match before Dreamer. He says Rich is basically taking the night off by wrestling a senior citizen. Scott D'Amore says this ring is No Mooses Allowed right now. He threatens to suspend Moose. Moose promises he won't interfere in the match on Saturday. He has no need since he knows he can beat them both. He talks some trash to Swann and holds up the TNA Championship. Swann holds up the Impact belt. Dreamer tells them to shut up. He pulls up a text message from Moose from last Summer, giving Tommy props on his toughness after they faced each other in a match. Tommy says Moose was gonna get fired before Tommy lit a fire under his ass. The fake crowd goes wild as Tommy talks about the unifying power of pro wrestling and how Tommy talks about all the dreamers in the back who he's fighting for. As Impact Champion, Tommy will have a bigger platform to spread his positive message. He signs the contract and shakes Swann's hand. They hug. Moose backs out of the ring. Wow, comrades, a contract signing that didn't end in violence? Now I've seen everything. Haw haw haw haw!

Thanks for reading my Impact report, comrades. It was a pretty good episode. I give it two and a half stars. Until next time: socialism or death.

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