Posted in: Fox, Opinion, streaming, TV, TV | Tagged: candy, fox news, M&Ms, mars, opinion, Tucker Carlson

Is Tucker Carlson Too Sexy for His Candy? Tuck's White "Whine" List

If we're reading into the sad, droopy tea leaves that were the Friday night edition of his FOX "News" show Tucker Carlson Tonight (titled so that viewers will always be reminded of when and where they're at), we have some questions about what the one-man propaganda machine known as Tucker Carlson was trying to say to us. How should we put this? Hmmm… that "The Tuck's" looking for some S&M in his M&M's? That sometimes, "The Tuck" feels like a nut- but M&M's don't (make him feel that way- okay, that was a stretch)? That "The Tuck" was disappointed to learn what a licorice whip really was? That "The Tuck" was hoping for a threesome with Mike & Ike (while Mary Jane watches from a folding chair in the corner of the room)? So strap in because this is going to be as twisted as you think it's going to be as we kick off the first 2022 edition of "Tuck's White 'Whine' List."

In case you hadn't heard, Mars, Incorporated revealed their newly-redesigned anthropomorphic M&M mascots in an effort to push for more representation and inclusivity. As you can see above as well as in the video below, the changes include new voices for all six characters, with Green now sporting sneakers instead of go-go boots & Brown going from stiletto heels to more of a block heel. In a nutshell? A company changed the voices on some cartoon characters and the footwear on two of them. Now we know what you're thinking. How could that not be the recipe for a major pop culture controversy that says ten tons more about the folks complaining than Mars' altruistic/profit-motivated decision to make the change? Look, we pride ourselves on being a very big "tent" at BCTV, open and respectful of everyone no matter what your kink is. So if you want to stick your d**k in a box of M&M's or find fun & fascinating uses for Red Vines (and it's all consensual), then good on 'ya!

But when you're "The Tuck," there's no topic too absurd to apply a grand conspiracy to it. In this case, it's not that Mars wants to create a more inclusive & embracing candy climate (for whatever reason). Oh, no, dear friends! As "The Tuck" sees it, Mars is part of a concerted effort to make his beloved cartoon characters so unsexy that he wouldn't even ask them out for a drink. "M&M's will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn't want to have a drink with any one of them. That's the goal. When you're totally turned off, we've achieved equity. They've won," said Carlson during a segment that was either legit or the kind of long-term meta-comedy sketch that would make Andy Kaufman proud. But in the interest of fairness? "The Tuck" wasn't the only one that left us wondering what was on the hard drive. Someone not deserving to have their name mentioned from Gutfeld! (because it's more manly to add an "!") called Green 2.0 an "opportunistic, evil bitch" during a segment on the show Friday, also.

Did I mention that we're talking about candy?

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