Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: nick khan, wrestling

Minister of Propaganda Nick Khan Claims WWE Never Hoards Talent

El Presidente reports on WWE President Nick Khan's magnificent propaganda claiming WWE doesn't sign and bench wrestlers – a tale more unbelievable than my CIA encounters!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath a pharmaceutical factory that totally doesn't manufacture performance-enhancing substances designed to give me a physique like my favorite wrestlers! Today, I bring you news that would make even my former Minister of Propaganda blush with admiration!

WWE President Nick Khan has demonstrated exceptional skills in the art of deception during a recent interview with Bill Simmons on The Bill Simmons Podcast! Such magnificent propaganda techniques remind me of the time Fidel Castro and I held a talent competition for who could tell the most outrageous lie with a straight face. Fidel claimed he invented baseball, but I told everyone I was actually American and just wore the beard and military uniform ironically! I won by unanimous decision after three judges mysteriously disappeared!

According to our comrades at Fightful, who transcribed the interview and extracted the clickbaitiest bits, Nick Khan boldly claimed WWE would never sign wrestlers just to keep them away from competitors. When asked about acquiring too much talent without proper utilization, Khan stated:

"That's something we won't do. We won't sign and bench people. We sign people who we want to use. If another entity signs and benches people now, that's not something we would do."

When Simmons noted, "That's a thing that happens," Khan replied, "That's what I've been told from time to time. Not us."

¡Dios mío! Such magnificent gaslighting! My own propaganda team is taking notes, comrades! WWE practically invented the practice of talent hoarding! This is like when the CIA tried to convince me they weren't following me by wearing t-shirts that said "NOT CIA" while sitting in an unmarked van outside my presidential palace!

For years, WWE has famously signed wrestlers just to keep them from competitors. Remember their ambitious plan to create NXT territories worldwide? That wasn't just about global expansion – it was about locking down talent everywhere! Even now, WWE runs various development programs targeting independent wrestlers and college athletes, binding them to contracts that prevent them from wrestling elsewhere. By the way, has anyone heard from the Wyatt Sicks lately? Omos? Andrade?

Nick Khan's impressive performance reminds me of the time I attended Vladimir Putin's birthday party, where he insisted the caviar was "just fish eggs" and the gold-plated tanks outside were "defensive farming equipment." Such commitment to alternative facts!

But comrades, the hypocrisy doesn't end there! Khan also took a subtle jab at AEW's during the interview, Tony Khan, saying: "In terms of the other wrestling promotional company, they have a lot of talented wrestlers and we're happy about that. When, contractually, they are available to talk to and have conversations with, assume a number of them will come over. Nothing but respect to the father who finances it and owns the Jaguars and all those other things."

The subtle dig about Tony Khan's father financing AEW is particularly rich coming from WWE, a company Vince McMahon inherited from his own father and is now being creatively run by his son-in-law! This is like when I criticized my neighboring dictator for inheriting his position, conveniently forgetting I seized power from my own uncle after a suspicious fishing accident involving military-grade explosives!

Interestingly, comrades, WrestleMania week seems to be WWE's favorite time to intensify attacks on AEW. This happens not just through media appearances but via their network of loyal podcasters. Take Busted Open Radio's Mark Henry, who recently threatened to expose alleged AEW problems if they spoke negatively about him – despite AEW never having done so! Such coordination of messaging would make any socialist propaganda ministry proud!

When I was establishing my glorious regime, my generals suggested we create a Ministry of Truth. But after watching Nick Khan's performance, I'm not sure I could even compete. Perhaps Nick Khan could moonlight as my personal spokesperson? His ability to say WWE doesn't hoard talent with a straight face while the company has spent years doing exactly that deserves a gold medal in mental gymnastics!

For socialism and lucha libre, this has been your El Presidente, reporting on the magnificent propaganda techniques of Nick Khan! Remember, comrades – in wrestling, as in politics, it's not about what's true, but what people believe! Until next time, ¡viva la revolución wrestling!

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